Joshua's Birth Story

Joshua was born December 7th at 11:38 am weighing in at 8 lbs 2 oz and 20.5 inches! We're at home recovering and getting adjusted and so blessed for our early Christmas gift this year!

Now let's back up to hear how it all happened. Take a seat, it's long.

41 weeks was approaching- Wednesday the 6th. I had a feeling all along December 7th would be Joshua's birthday, so I purposefully made my 41 week appointment on Friday- hoping I'd go into labor before then, and trying everything I could naturally to make that happen.

Well, Bojangles put me into labor. End of story. Haha just kidding, though really, I truly believe Bojangles put me into labor lol. It was Monday the 4th and J and I both had a taste for Bojangles for dinner. A few hours later I had what felt like a contraction. Then I had a feeling, it's going to be soon, but not too soon. I didn't connect the two things together. But I woke up very early morning hungry so I finished the rest of my Bojangles. Again shortly after, another contraction! Coincidence? I think not. I was tempted to keep eating Bojangles until this little guy decided to make his appearance. Instead, I decided, it's better to wait until Wednesday when my parents would be here and could drive us to the hospital if need be (J can't drive in the dark and I hear the majority of women go into labor overnight).

So Wednesday came and we decided to make a "date" day of it- funny because our "date" was walking a large warehouse store (walking- trying everything to go into labor now at 41 weeks). And also eating Taco Johns because well- I love Mexican food and it's in a town we don't frequent so I thought I'd get it one last time while I can get out and about. Well, the entire day I had what I would imagine to be contractions. It was kind of scary because at first they were all over the place- 2 minutes apart, 8 minutes apart, 4 minutes apart etc. but then they were consistently 3-4 minutes apart, lasting 30-45 seconds. Turns out I was in early labor.

So my parents get here right before dark, and guess what they want to eat? Bojangles! Well, they leave to go pick up the food and in the mean time I had another sign of labor. It again scared me so I first called my doula who said to go ahead and call my dr (he gave his cell number for things like this). I called and he said it sounds like I'm in labor and to come in to be checked. Ok I about lost it. Suddenly everything I knew dissipated from my mind. I went blank. What do I do? (walk out the door) What do I need to still pack and bring? (not much) Who do I need to call? (no one) And then the- I can't do this. I'm not ready. What did I get myself into? I don't think I'm good enough to be a mom. It's not time yet. Ahhhhhhhh. I needed J to calm me down. We packed up the car and left- my parents driving, in the dark, eating Bojangles on the hour ride there. Oh Bojangles. Should have made that Joshua's middle name lol.

We arrive to the hospital and I don't know what to expect. No one told us where to go if it's after hours. Going through the ER made me so nervous so we just entered there and walked on up to labor and delivery. The dr already called so they were expecting me, but no rooms were ready so I was put in this tiny closet like room that was super hot. Fortunately it was only temporary. The nurse asked if I was in pain and I said no, only scared. She did everything she had to do and moved me into a labor and delivery room. Shortly after that my dr and my doula showed up- I don't remember who was first and what all happened. Oddly I remember more of the latter parts than the beginning. All I know is I was 4 centimeters and 90%. Woah, it's like go time, almost. They admitted me and told me it's about to happen. Said goodbye to my parents and continued eating the rest of my Bojangles. Seeing a theme here?

Active labor soon began. Walking, rocking, leaning against my husband- funny part- I apparently kept getting mad at his glasses and said "I hate those things!" I guess you had to be there because it doesn't sound funny now. But he had his glasses on his shirt and when I was trying to lean up against him I couldn't because of it. Oh how I wanted to throw those things. Kneeling, laying, moving into the labor tub. I am SO thankful for a hospital that allowed me to freely move during labor, who never once- not even once!- asked if I wanted an epidural (exactly what I wanted them to do- not even offer it). A hospital that let me go without even having a line in for IV until I truly needed one. A hospital that let me eat and drink and pretty much do whatever I wanted as long as it was deemed safe. I was the patient- I called the shots- they were just there to help me. Why can't all medical staff be like that? It was incredibly amazing and incredibly different than what I've ever experienced from a hospital or medical staff. It was a true relief. This was a natural thing, and they were here to support a natural process.

I knew as all modesty went out the window this was the real thing. Transition. I read about it, talked about it, but nothing can prepare you for it. I felt like for me it was between 5-8 cm, but maybe it came after. Again it's mostly all a blur. Wow did that hurt. I can't remember the pain but I remember it was incredibly exhausting and nothing like anything I've ever experienced. Now is when I kept saying I can't do this, I think I need help taking this child out of me, etc. But because of my preparation I knew all of that was expected and signs that things were progressing well. J and I had a code word that there would be absolutely no talk of epidural unless I said it. I said a lot of things but that was never one of them nor did I even think about it. No way. I made it this far. There's no turning back now. I can do this. I can do this through HIM who gives me strength. God. Jesus. And the prayers started.

Next thing I know I'm praying my way through the latter part of labor and delivery. Lord help me. God be my strength. I cannot do this but You can. This is all You. All the glory goes to You. Lord thank you for relieving my pain. Thank you for getting me through this.

I was in another world. Nothing and no one around me affected me any more. My husband fell asleep for a short while and I saw him- that's good- go for it. My doula asked to leave for a short while to take a nap- you're fine- go for it. God's got me, God's got this.

Dr was in and out and comes back in. After a day of early labor followed by about 12 hours of hard active labor, he says I think you're ready to push. Um, no, no dr I'm not. I don't think it's time yet. Oh but it is, you can do this. What? I'm actually to this point of pregnancy, labor and delivery? The pushing? The part where baby soon comes after? Um, again yeah I'm not ready for this. But this isn't on my time. It's on His. And Joshua's. Joshua was ready... well, almost.

Pushing... 3 hours or something close to it... The contraction pain wasn't as bad but now a new kind of pain started. Yikes. I was trying so hard to make this happen when the vacuum/suction was mentioned. I hesitated at first. But then the dr mentioned if I can't do it it could result in a c-section. I certainly didn't want that, especially after all this hard work. I hesitated some more. We asked if it would hurt the baby, if it would hurt me. He said there would be bruising and it would hurt no more than pushing out baby on my own, this would just help me get him out. We all knew I was at my limit. MG made pushing on more dangerous. So I had to make a really tough decision and say ok. I didn't want to- I wanted this entirely on my own- but for the last 3 or 4 pushes- the dr assisted in getting him out.

And there was his head- sunny side up- oh you stubborn baby. That made it all the much harder to get him out and having back labor. Seeing that little head was motivation. I can do this. Pray my way through it. And there is he. Before I knew it he was on my chest.

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And then I freaked out. He was slightly limp, slightly pale. What's wrong with my little boy? Come on Joshua you can do this. Come to it! I tapped him on the butt a few times because well I don't know that was my natural instinct and later I heard that helps bring them to. And it did! He started to cry! He gained his color! He gained some movement! He's going to make it, my little boy is going to make it! I kept saying I need to feed him I need to feed him. And then, he pooped on me. lol. Thanks little one. But he was still having trouble. A nurse very slowly and clearly explained to me they needed to take him to help him out a bit- give him a little oxygen to make him stable. I kept saying yes, I understand, it's ok, take him, do what you have to do. I was so appreciative of them following my birth order to a t and making informed consent incredibly clear but now I was just like take him! It's ok! Just take him and make him stable! But I made sure J went with him to the other side of the room to be with him through it. I didn't know what went on until days after, I thought it was just oxygen. But apparently they had to pump out his stomach a bit for fluids inside it. I'm glad no one told me I would have lost it. All I knew was my little one was ok and back on my chest shortly after. I tested for MG myself. I lifted his little arms and legs. He was stable. The next day I knew for sure... he lifted his head on his own! He turned his head on his own! On day 2 of life! Amazing! He's going to be a strong one, I just knew it.

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Somehow I had a natural labor and delivery with minimal assistance. Well, God's strength was the somehow. But I did it all for him. I did it to not have the affects of medication/epidural- so I could hopefully be strong to care for him, to not let that stuff pass to him, to not risk the multiple complications that can come with it. Unfortunately, I still had issues. With MG and after all that who wouldn't? My blood pressure fell, bleeding was a bit too much, I felt like I was going to pass out and almost fell asleep while they helped me feed him. I felt like I was fading. I kept saying I need an IV but they were hesitant after my refusal of drugs and everything else. Finally they gave me that and also some kind of tablet in my mouth to help with the bleeding. I asked for like 3 glasses of orange juice because I read you should drink that after to get your blood sugar up. Funny that's what was on my mind to be aware of. After some struggles we asked to rest and the 3 of us were able to sleep for about an hour before being moved into a recovery room about 3-4 hours after delivery. I had no energy for anything besides attempting to eat my first meal in 24 hours and learning to feed my boy and sleeping.

The next day the struggle was more real. MG hit me. Breathing trouble, walking trouble, arm-neck-eye strength trouble. As I got up to go to the bathroom it hit me. My legs didn't work well anymore. I was taken back to that time in Texas where I had to regain my strength and relearn how to walk. With my back and arms supported by my husband, with every attempt at a step was a tear. I can't go through this again. I can't have my husband go through this, witness this, have to help me walk. Pain of labor and delivery was real, but this was a tougher struggle- an emotional one that hit me harder than any pain could. Pray just pray.

Prayer got me through it. My blood pressure was still low but I was stable. I was slowly walking very short distances on my own again. I felt I'd never be ready but I had to do this. Saturday morning, a doctor checked on and released me and a pediatrician checked on and released Joshua. We were headed home. Oh the ball of emotions I was. Home? You mean, no more nurses to help us through this? It's real this time? I have another life to care for? No more pregnancy and caring for him within me? How could I do this? Drive safely J. Drive safely. Didn't help Joshua decided to arrive in the middle of the first snow storm. We made it home safely, walked through that door and knew this little man's going to be ok- not because of me or anything we could do- but because God's hand is in this. God held me through it, and He won't let me/us go now. This little one will be raised up in the Lord and God will guide us through it.

Thank you to my dr who is amazing in allowing me this natural birth, all the nurses and staff that made that possible as well, especially to my doula who I couldn't have done this without her, to the Bradley teacher who taught me everything I needed to know to prepare for a natural labor and delivery, and especially to my husband who stood by my side and supported me even physically, through it. Babe, you're telling me "You're doing great... I'm proud of you... You did it." You have no idea how much that means to me. Word of affirmation babe- you did great with it. You helped me through this! And thank you to my parents for driving my mom down here literally just in time to drive us to the hospital- God's timing is perfect. For my mom helping out so much this past week and week to come- cooking, cleaning, washing Joshua's 5 changes of outfits a day lol. Thank you to J's parents for coming down to help as well. It's so great seeing grandparents meet him.

I'm still an emotional mess. Hormones are everywhere I tell you. I can't sleep unless Joshua is sleeping in his bassinet next to me. If he's in another room forget it. I'm overwhelmed so easily. Bringing home a baby/becoming a first time mommy is such a huge change, I need everything else to remain stable. The slightest change makes me all out of sorts. I want my husband near me and to connect with him. Yet I also want to let him sleep knowing he still has work. And I'm lacking sleep either way, so no point of it happening to the two of us. But he's been amazing waking up with me, doing diaper changes, reminding me to rest and sleep. I've got a great man. Seeing pictures of labor and delivery- that's what gets me every time. I really did that? I brought this boy into this world? Me? I still can't seem to believe it.

So now I'm just asking for you all to join me in prayer. I've had a slight fever, a horrible headache and of course postpartum pains. Please pray I don't get sick, for my temperature to stay stable, for God's strength and blessings for us through this. Pray for us as we raise up our boy. Pray for him to become a godly young man and make a great difference in life. Pray for us.

Joshua 1:9 since the moment I found out I was pregnant. We will be strong. We will be courageous. God is with us- wherever we go. Always with us. Thank you Lord for this amazing gift this Christmas!

One more post

After the last post, I felt I needed to add this.

Please don't get the idea that because I want an all natural birth that I won't do what is necessary if there becomes a need. I will. I want that natural birth oh so very bad- to go into labor on my own, labor without meds, have a delivery without intervention. But if either myself or the baby becomes in danger, that all changes and I'll have to do what's best for us, which in the case of an emergency is most likely an emergency delivery.

I say this because the following. I'm scared. I'm scared because of some symptoms. I'm scared because my blood pressure prior to pregnancy and even throughout the first half or so was much lower than it is now 90s/60s or even lower. It's slowly been creeping up and now it's topped that safe 120/80 range. After being up and about it's gone even higher. I'm also having blurry vision. It scares me because it's getting closer and closer towards pointing to pre-eclampsia, and if you don't know what that is it's extremely serious- for both mom and baby.

Anyways, my dr is awesome and I can contact him anytime. I asked him about this and he said not to worry (yes yes I know you all agree not to worry) unless it hits 140/90 after sitting for at least 5 minutes. Ok so that does ease my concerns a bit. But I'm probably still going to worry some. And yes I'm sure that worry is contributing to the high bp. I just feel like I'm on the clock- needing to get this baby out naturally before time ticks down to nothing and there is no further option beyond induction or c-section.

Another reason I don't want an induction or c-section is because J. Induction means even more pain meaning more risk of epidural- I may not be able to get one even if I want one because of scoliosis. Induction also can fail and lead to c-section. End result being if it's an emergency, it will be general anesthesia and J won't be able to be there. He didn't get to experience his daughter's birth. I want him to be there so bad, to be in this with me. He wants to be there. We want to go through this together and share in that experience for the first time together. Please Lord, please let me go into labor naturally- soon- before further talks of induction. Please Lord, bring this baby out in Your time and have our own time wait patiently upon Yours. I trust in You and hand all my worries to You. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Please join me in that prayer and for a healthy and safe last part of this pregnancy and birth of our little miracle. Thank you!

Ps. Telling me not to worry personally doesn't at all help me. I'm a first time mom, I'm going to worry. But supporting me by joining me in prayer helps tremendously! 💗💗💗

December baby

Nope, no baby yet! But it looks like our November baby will now be a December baby! 40 weeks came and went and we're still waiting!

At my 40 week appointment, dr said all still looks well. He wants to start talking induction at 41 weeks. I don't. But I do like and trust him so we'll discuss. In the mean time, I'm hoping and praying baby comes sooner... not too soon... not this weekend as there is too much going on... but Monday or later that week would be great.

So the reason I don't want an induction is this. If you know my detailed medical past, you know I don't do well with hospitals, with dr's, with medical interventions and everything in between. My body just does not do well with any of it. What I do do well with? Natural. As natural as can be. I do well with trusting my gut, trusting God and going with it. That's what got me where I'm at today, not dr's, with all due respect- no matter how good they are. I trust all the experiences of the women who carried babies to 42 weeks trusting their own gut and waited. I trust the risks outweigh the benefits when it comes to an induction of a very healthy stable pregnancy still at this point of 40+ weeks. And I trust all the research I've put into this- the classes, learning others experiences, books, scientific research. See there are 2 sides- mainstream medical care and natural. Natural is just as good, or in my opinion better, outside of true emergencies- but mainstream won't tell you that. You have to find that out for yourself. So no, I'm not going into this blindly or naively. My husband can tell you how much time I've put into this. I've even had those in this field say I'm more prepared and knowledgeable than even a second or third time mom. I'm ready for this!

Yes I know, I've never been pregnant, it's a different ballgame. What I do know is my body has loved being pregnant and handled it so very well. I just hope it's not handling it so well it doesn't want to let go of being pregnant and keep me this way forever lol. Joshua's got to come out at some time, one way or another.

See induction means this- intervention with risks. Once those interventions and risks are started it's most likely going to be a spiral filled with them. Contractions are much harder and closer together with an induction. So many end up getting an epidural when they otherwise wouldn't. Then the epidural comes with risks- more so for me being on blood thinners, having MG and scoliosis, and just not responding well to meds in general. And then what sometimes comes after that- a failed induction resulting in a c section- more meds, more risks, more time needing to heal. Along with all that is this- pitocin to start induction means fake oxytocin. Oxytocin is the natural feel good hormone. So all that feel good in the midst of worst pain of my life, won't even be there. Oxytocin also helps bonding with the baby after. Again, I then fear I won't have that bond with the baby which if you've been reading you already know that struggle. I need the oxytocin. I need this to go natural... at least as long as I can deal with.

Yes, I want natural because it's what I've hoped and planned for. I want to prove to myself I can do it. But mostly for all these valid reasons listed above. And one other big thing- I want to fully experience all of pregnancy. This may sound crazy but this is most likely a once in a lifetime opportunity for me- pregnancy, labor and birth. I want to feel the realness of it, the rawness of it, how God originally created it. If I can't handle it, fine, but at least I can say I tried. I want that experience of going into labor naturally, not knowing when it will be, the excitement of going to the hospital, having J hold my hand through it, depending on God's strength for my own until He brings out this baby He created in me. That, that is my motivation for a natural birth.

So please pray, not this weekend, but shortly after Joshua decides he wants to be here- earthside- to meet his mommy and daddy who have patiently, or maybe my not so patiently, been waiting for him! Please pray I can have and tolerate that natural birth! And please pray that all goes well, healthy and stable through labor, delivery and the recovery period of days and weeks to come. What I do need and what helps is prayers, support and encouragement. I already know I shouldn't worry, I already know other's have their own experiences and advice, I already know for the most part what's normal and what's not. But to be honest, the thing that doesn't at all help and what really stresses me out is handing out mainstream medical advice if I don't ask for it and criticism for anything you disagree with. So please if you don't agree with my/our decisions, just pray and leave it at that. If you think I should be doing something differently, just pray and leave it at that. I'm not going to be perfect, but I trust God's got this. Please let Him be the one who speaks to me through this. 💗

Thank you!!

Made it to Full Term!

39 weeks! We made it! Just thought I'd write one more post until baby arrives. Hopefully no time left for more than 1 more post. Can you tell I'm ready?? I've been ready since about 37 weeks but I know he had to stay in a little longer to make it safer. Now I'm walking, eating pineapple and dates, asking my husband for foot massages (all of which are *supposed* to help bring on labor lol) and praying this baby to come on out of me!

Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I reflect back on all I'm thankful for, and on this pregnancy.

Growing up I honestly never wanted kids. I wanted to live in a farm house with a bunch of animals, because well, I love animals, and city life just isn't my thing. Then I got married and still didn't know if I really wanted kids, but it was kind of pushed towards the back of my mind... I mean I got sick less than a year after getting married. 2.5 years with no diagnosis just trying to figure things out. Then he left me at age 28. Kids? Yeah right. Divorced at age 30, how would kids be in my future?

Well God works in amazing ways.

I soon after happened to meet this godly man, a man before meeting I happened to pray something along the lines of "God, let the next person I talk to be someone you you lead me to." And it was J. He happened to already have a daughter, so if things continued, I'd automatically become a stepmom. Suddenly kids were back to being a possibility of my future. But not only that, for some reason with him, kids just seemed right. I was ready. I wanted a baby that would be half of him and half of me, beautifully created by God.

Then the question of, was it possible? Not so sure as I still dealt with all those health issues and it really didn't seem like the best idea even to try. We're both getting older and older. But as I've told the story before, God unexpectedly blessed us with a little miracle. Not only that but it's been amazing.

Our little Joshua has improved my health. Pregnancy could have made me worse or better, and it's made me better. The past 9 months have been a relief to what I normally experience. Whereas many dread those pregnancy symptoms, I welcomed them, I encouraged them. Every single one was a reminder that the symptoms are no longer due to serious health issues but instead due to a life created inside me. A reminder of the gift that God has given us.

I sit here as I await his arrival, still feeling those little kicks and movements inside me. I'm going to miss this. Pregnancy has been a blessing and these 9 months will stay in my heart forever.

We're ready baby Joshua. Come on out and make your arrival! We have so much to be thankful for and one of those most important things is the blessing of you!

Thank you for your continued support and prayers 💝

Due Date Month!

Well it's here! November. Baby is due in less than 4 short weeks now and it's flown by so fast.

Our hospital bag is ready (and totally filled with lots of food for both of us lol), birth plan is turned in to the hospital, and dr visits are good.

Baby is measuring around 6 lbs right now and him and I are still doing well. I don't really feel 8ish months pregnant. Most people tend to feel worse during pregnancy, especially the third trimester, I guess. But pregnancy has made all my health issues better so I've loved it. Now into the third trimester I've declined a bit and dealing with the SPD pain, but basically just back to "my normal". I'm fine with that, used to it, and couldn't ask for anything more. Just hoping I don't decline again afterwards.

I'm so very glad I switched to the dr that I did, after so many twists and turns along the way to get there. Thanks so much to my mom/pregnancy local facebook group for recommending this dr and encouraging me to at least make an appointment with him. It's been the greatest! He is worth the hour drive away. He's experienced in high risk even even though that's not what he's classified as, so I haven't had to see any other dr besides him. Other drs wanted me seeing like 5 different specialists- ugh no thanks! Since we live a distance away he's spaced out my visits as long as everything is looking good. Still at 36 weeks, my next visit is at 38 weeks. I'm guessing after that we will do weekly, but that's fine as well. Whatever is needed at this point. I've been able to avoid a lot of unnecessary and invasive type of tests because he only does things that are strictly evidence based and helpful. Basically every single visit has been just discussing any questions I have then a quick ultrasound performed by him right there in the room to tell me babys size and check on fluid levels. Pretty awesome. Praying all the good news continues!

This last visit he sent us over to the hospital where I turned in my birth plan and they made copies of everything about my MG, blood clot disorder and marked down about my having scoliosis. They gave us a tour and told us about everything they have to labor- yoga balls, bars to hang onto, even a tub to labor in. Love that this hospital is more natural minded!

Later that day an anesthesiologist called me because he wasn't available while we were there. He was super nice and told me everything I need to know and answered every question I had. We are hoping to avoid an epidural or any type of intervention or pain meds, but we're wanting to be prepared in case that time comes. He said he's already been talking to the other anesthesiologists about me to prepare them and he's been researching about MG so he's very aware. The biggest issues are 1. any type of pain med or anesthesia can make MG much worse/make me go into crisis needing breathing support and 2. if I'm not off the blood thinners 12-20 hours prior to needing an epidural if I choose/need to have one, then there is a huge risk of permanent damage that could even paralyze me and lastly 3. I have scoliosis so they won't know if they can even do an epidural unless/until that time comes and they look at my back/try to. So again, just hoping we can avoid all that and praying I can put up with the pain knowing it is pain with a purpose- to bring this little one out into the world! I can do it! God, give me the strength!

So now just asking for prayer as we await baby's arrival. Prayers please that all continues to go well and we stay safe. Prayers please that I just happen to go into labor during the day/sunlight hours so J can drive me to the hospital (unable to drive in the dark). Prayers please that my stepdaughter is with her mom whenever I go into labor but that if we do have her that her mom will be available on short notice to take her. Prayers please that all works out for doggy sitter friends to watch our doggy. Prayers please that I can labor and deliver without pain meds or intervention. Prayers please that the nurses and dr are supportive to our plans and wishes as long as we are safe. And lastly, prayers please that our son is so very healthy, that I remain stable and there are no complications that arise for either of us. I pray all these things and ask you to join us in prayer, in Jesus name, Amen!

Thanks everyone for all your support and prayers! Last month of pregnancy and continuing to pray my way through this! God is good!

Single Digit Countdown

Just a little pregnancy update-

We're down to the single digits of how many weeks left! I can't believe how fast this has gone! Up until the third trimester, I kept saying I could be pregnant another 9 months because it's been so great and I don't want it to end. Now into the third trimester, a lot of pain and difficulty doing things has hit me, and I'm like ok maybe I'm getting closer to being ready for this to happen. But, baby, please stay in there til at least 37-38 weeks!

I've been dealing with what is seemingly SPD- you can look it up if you want to. Basically the pelvic area relaxes more than it should and causes instability and pain. So it's hard to do anything but sit/lay down and even then it hurts. I can deal with the pain but it's the nervousness of how unstable I seem that it's hard to get much done or even walk a store anymore. I'm even wearing one of those maternity belts yet it doesn't seem to support enough. So that part of me is like ok pregnancy has been good, but let's get on with this.

On the other hand, I'm so nervous for baby to be here and could use as much more time as I can safely get. J already has a daughter, he's been through the life change of going from no kids to kids, so this isn't as much as an adjustment for him. In a slight way I have had that adjustment, becoming a stepmother. But this is a whole new ball game. There will be no other parent he goes to half the time, I thank the Lord for that though. It's J and I and baby 100% of the time. No more just us. No more sleep in as long as we want to days. We have no family nearby to help or babysit. I will now be fully responsible for another life, for the first time in my life. It's the biggest life change I'll ever encounter and I'm not sure anyone is every fully ready for it. But I'm nervous and scared and well, that's all normal so I shouldn't be made to feel bad about it, but I could use your prayers.

I'm still struggling over how to raise a boy. I. Don't. Have. A. Clue. At least with girls, I can relate and I know what to teach them as far as being a godly girl/woman. I can teach a boy the normal school type of stuff, manners, values and such, but as far as being a man- I can't lead by example on that one, and that scares me. I want to lead by example. I want to be able to relate to my child. And I fear all of it. I'm working through that but it's hard. And again, no one should make me feel bad about that because a strong majority of women who have boys feel this way, yet don't discuss it, so it goes on unknown. Don't shame me for opening up to receive a pouring in of support and prayers please.

Anyways, besides still needing to pack a hospital bag, practice our relaxation techniques in hopes of a natural birth, and wait for the weeks to pass on by, we're ready- as much as we can be. Scared on my part, but otherwise "ready." I can't believe the time is almost here. I can't believe he's been in me almost 9 months. I can't believe soon I will no longer feel those little- sometimes huge- kicks, and hiccups and reminders of life inside me. I can't believe I will no longer be preparing but actually putting it into action. I can't believe I will actually birth and have a son, a child, whom we prayed for and received. I can't believe a prayer that was answered will soon be in my arms. The feeling is beyond words.

Please join us in prayer- for all those mixed emotions of fear, doubt, etc. to fade away, to be strengthened by our Lord and Savior, filled with joy, hope and love. For a continued amazing pregnancy no matter the pains or fears, that this little one remains healthy and I do as well. For a safe and on time delivery, that I can handle the pains of childbirth without medication or intervention, that all goes as well as possible with God's hands upon my doctors, nurses and others involved. That J and I work together as a team to raise up this one to love the Lord with all he's got in him. That we all remain faithful to God through it all and adapt to life as a new family plus one. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Why Do Bad Things Happen To Good People?

J has been preaching a wonderful series lately, answering those big questions we all ask ourselves. This last week's was "Why do bad things happen to good people?" I posted the audio of it to my facebook and was asked if I had the written version. With J's permission, I'm posting here, and I pray all who read will be blessed by it. 

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Just over the past week we’ve watched and witnessed a hurricane ravage the city of Houston and displace thousands, hearing of several deaths. This is after viewing so many recent shootings, bombings and horrible acts of terrorism taking place. And we wonder why? There are so many things in life we just don’t understand, especially the difficult things. Our BIG question for today is one I hear a lot. It can be phrased in different ways: the most common is, “why do bad things happen to good people?”

We all probably know someone; maybe it’s even ourselves, who has or is right now, experiencing a season of suffering and we are asking why. Why does my family member have to be sick? Why was my friend taken from life so suddenly without saying goodbye? Why?  As we answer this big question with a real answer, my prayer is that God will use some principles to help us see things from a new or different perspective. I am praying that perspective will provide you with hope during your season of pain, when things seem hopeless. So why do bad things happen?

If you were to ask me that question point-blank regarding a specific event, the only answer I can honestly give is – “I do not know.”  I cannot stand in the shoes of God and give a complete answer.  I don’t have God’s mind. I don’t see with God’s eyes. I Corinthians 13:12 says, “Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.” So when asking why a particular thing happened, we won’t get the full answer in this world. Someday we’ll see with clarity, but for now things may just be foggy. We can’t understand everything from our finite perspective. But what I do believe are there are some general reasons to why there is suffering and I would like to give you four of them as we continue this morning.

1. Sometimes our suffering is the result of our own SINFUL CHOICES. If you drink like a fish, you’ll find that alcohol will damage your liver.  If you eat like a pig, you may end up with a heart problem. If you have a poor work ethic you may lose your job. These kinds of suffering are things that you really can’t blame on God.  Though many do, they are not His fault. They are ours. Scripture is very clear about this, Galatians 6:7-8  “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8 Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.” We have a choice and sometimes those choices lead to suffering. A second reason is-

2. Some suffering comes from the sinful choices of OTHERS. It’s the drunk driver who kills your family member or friend, or having to go through divorce after your spouse cheated and abandoned you.  An example of this in scripture going all the way back to the first family, is Cain.  Genesis 4:8 “Now Cain said to his brother Abel, “Let’s go out to the field.” While they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him.” Cain chose to kill which resulted in suffering for Abel and their entire family. A third reason is-

3. Some suffering is the result of the DEVIL. Satan has some limited powers in this world.  The Bible makes it very clear that Satan has come to kill, steal and destroy.  That is his mission. There are times that Satan, if given permission by God, can afflict suffering on us. We see this take place in the life of Job. Job 2:7 “So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord and afflicted Job with painful sores from the soles of his feet to the crown of his head. Satan can and will be against us, and that of course, can cause suffering.  The forth reason is-

4. Natural LAWS of a FALLEN WORLD. After hearing all that, there is still one question we all ask? Why didn’t God just create a world free of all tragedy, pain and suffering so none of that would even happen?  Well He actually did. In the beginning in Genesis 1:31, “God saw all that he had made, and it was very good….” If God is not the author of tragedy, pain, death and suffering, then where did it come from? It came from man. In Genesis 3 when Adam and Eve sinned, the world became contaminated. Romans 8:19-22 “For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. 20 For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God. 22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.” God set up the laws of nature to run this world. Within those laws, He has given you and I free will. With that gift of freedom came potential consequences if not handled correctly.  And we haven’t handled it correctly – starting with the one choice with Adam and Eve- thus, we have suffering in the world we live in today.

Those are four main reasons, but I would like to offer you one more as to why suffering takes place that many don’t and cannot see in the midst of suffering. A fifth reason suffering takes place is- A greater GOOD comes out of it. Back to Romans 8:18 “For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed.”  When you go through a difficult time – remember and read this verse.  God’s word reminds us that the temporary afflictions we go through are no comparison to what He has in store for us. A second verse in that same chapter, verse 28 says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”  When you experience something really bad and ask how in the world could anything good come out of this? That is when God begins His work. God promises to walk beside us through it.  He will bring good if we will only let Him. 

Peter Creft – a Boston College professor uses an illustration to teach about this concept.  He says, “Imagine a bear caught in a trap.  A hunter comes along and decides to free it. So, first, he tries to win the bear’s confidence, by talking to it and being calm so he can unfasten the bear’s leg from the trap.  But the bear has no idea what is truly going on.  The bear thinks the man is going to try to harm him.  Finally the hunter shoots the bear with tranquilizers.  The bear thinks this is an attack and the hunter is trying to kill him.  The bear doesn’t realize that this is being done out of compassion.  For the hunter to get the bear out of the trap, the hunter has to push the bear farther into the trap to release the pressure of the trap.  If the bear was still conscious at this point, the bear would be convinced the hunter is out to cause even more pain and harm. But the bear would be wrong.  He reaches this incorrect conclusion because he is not a human being.  Then Professor Creft said this: How can anyone be certain that that is not an analogy between us and God?  I believe that God does the same to us sometimes. And we can’t comprehend why He does it any more than the bear can understand the motivation behind the caring hunter. As the bear could have trusted the hunter, so we can trust God.” Did you know that there are actually some benefits to suffering? As crazy as that sounds, there actually are. Let me share with you 3 of them..  

1.     God is DISCIPLINING us. That doesn’t sound like a benefit.  But think about it with your children or grandchildren.  You discipline them. Why? You want them to learn. You want them to be better. Hebrews 12:5-7, 11 “And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says, “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.” 7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?.... “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”  We need to realize that pain and suffering are a tool for us. God uses corrective discipline  turn our hearts back to Him,  so we can learn. Another benefit-

2.     God is using us to INFLUENCE others.  Through pain and suffering, our witness for God speaks loudly. Remember in the story of Job? God allowed Satan to have his way with Job, but Job did not curse God. What a witness Job was to Satan, Job’s “so called” friends and to you and I. Job 19:25 “I know that my redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand on the earth.” That was what Job held on to.  When you are in a season of suffering God can use you to reach people that you couldn’t reach otherwise. I’ve seen this in my own life firsthand and in the lives of others. One person in particular is a lady by then name of Joni Erickson Tada. At the age of 17, she was injured in a diving accident and paralyzed from the waist down. I think her words are timeless and true after years of pain and suffering.  Listen to what she has to say about it. VIDEO CLIP. Here is a woman who has taken her suffering and pain in stride. God has given her an opportunity to reach more people for the Gospel by the way she approaches her suffering. She has become a well-known Christian writer, speaker, and inspiration for millions, all the while pointing people to God.

3.     A third benefit, God is MATURING us. God never promised us that life would be easy. In fact Jesus even said we would face trouble in this world. But many times, God is using what we are going through to bring us to maturity in Him and in our relationships with other people. Joni said this in another interview: “God permits what He hates to achieve what He loves.” What is PAIN today can produce GROWTH tomorrow. If our goal in this life is to grow to become like Jesus, and if suffering becomes part of the recipe to accomplish that, then rather than questioning God, we should thank God and trust that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.  James puts it this way, James 1:2-4- “2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

There is one last piece to this, and that is the second part of this question “to GOOD people.” We as humans reason it out in our heads better when bad things happen to those we consider bad people, but what about the “GOOD” people? Well when we speak of Good, the only Good is truly God. Therefore we should compare ourselves not to others, but to God. And when we do that, we see that compared to him, really none of us are good. . Romans 3:23 says, “ALL (emphasis added) have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.” The truth is we are all sinners, and we are all really on a path to hell. But because God loved us so much, after that original sin took place, He later sent His one and only Son, Jesus Christ to come, suffer, die, be buried and rise again, so that you and I could have a way out of this world, a way out of sin, a way to eternal life with Him. If you’ve never made that decision, I would invite you to do so now. It is only through Him, that our suffering will one day end. Our invitation time also provides you the opportunity for support. Maybe you are going through a tough season and you need someone to talk to or pray with you. Or maybe you feel like this is place where you find comfort and support and you’d like to take that to the next level and become a member of this local church body. If you have that or any other decision on your heart won’t you come forward and share that with us as we stand and sing our invitation song.

Third Trimester

Just a little update for you all following-

I can't believe it's the third trimester already! I don't want it to be over. Pregnancy has been amazing and a huge blessing to helping my health. When the baby arrives, there is a chance my health will decline, possibly very quickly and drastically. Praying that doesn't happen and trying to enjoy every minute of these last few months!

I still need to rest... lots... still stay out of the heat, probably even more than prior to pregnancy... still avoid anyone who is sick, definitely more than prior to pregnancy... but I've found I can last longer and do a little more. While on our trip to Chicago, I saw my MG dr, and she was impressed. She said of course I'm still weak, still have MG, not at all in remission, but I'm doing very well all things considered and pregnancy definitely has helped me. Yay!

My dr here is very pleased with things also. We unexpectedly got to see baby Joshua at our last visit and he's still doing well- kicking and moving around like a little athlete in there. Walking out of the visit J said to me "I still think you chose the right dr." He has no idea how much those words mean to mean even though I told him so. The relief felt that my husband not only backs up my decision but led me to it and feels the same is huge. And I still feel at peace as well with moving forward in that direction we chose together.

Nesting kicked in around week 26. It's as if other than the bare minimum at this point I'm like "rest? What's that? Nah." I know I still need to but I'm in this go go go mode of getting things done. I think I drove J crazy for a few days asking him to help hang things, move things, etc. Baby's room is just about ready- waiting on a few things we ordered thanks to those who kindly gave us gift cards, and his room should be good to go. We also made a little Joshua space in our bedroom, where he will be staying for the first few months. It's simple yet adorable and I love it. Now we just need to pack a hospital bag, finalize a birth plan, decide on a doula, and await his arrival.

I'm nervous to think about all that still needs to happen and will happen once he arrives, glad I still have a few months to continue to prepare. I've researched and read more parenting and pregnancy books than I can count, attended classes and connected with a local mom's group. I'm as ready as I possibly can be, but nothing can fully prepare you to be 100% responsible for bringing up another life. I'm blessed to have such an active and supportive husband by my side through it all.

Praying my way through this pregnancy has been the theme of this since day 1 and it shall continue. Thank you all for your continued prayers and support of baby Joshua!

Let us also pray for all those affected by devastation of all the fires and hurricanes. <3

Joshua Part 2

Ever since I found out I was pregnant, Joshua 1:9 has been on my mind. Of course, part 1 of this post explains a lot of that. So if you didn't read that yet, start here. But there is more.

"Be strong and courageous, do not be terrified do not be discouraged..." I just kept thinking about those words and it pushed me- to be strong, to be courageous, to not be scared or discouraged. And then one day it clicked- "for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." "WHEREVER YOU GO."

If you've been reading my posts, you know it's been a struggle to figure out doctors, treatment and such. It's been frustrating, stressful and tiresome. But then this hit me and God clearly spoke those words to me "wherever you go." It didn't matter if I went to this hospital or that hospital, this doctor or that doctor, God was going to be there throughout the entire thing. Problems may or may not arise but that could happen anywhere with anyone. God's on my side and He's got this. Not only do I no longer have to be discouraged as in the first part of the verse, I can be confident in choosing any of the places I feel is the best fit for me because in the end I hear Him saying, "it doesn't matter, it won't determine the outcome- I will" and there is a definite peace in that.

When I heard that, I was able to move forward. You see, I'd been searching and searching but not settled. There was one doctor left I didn't see but wanted to. Though I kept pushing it off because there was no higher level NICU or high risk. He came extremely highly recommended by everyone in the natural community, and that's exactly what I want. So they encouraged me to at least go see him and ask him everything I was wondering, they said he would be completely honest with me and would tell me if it wasn't a good idea to deliver there. So after feeling this peace from that verse, that is what I did.

Good news people, I finally have a doctor! I mean technically, I had like 4 of them.. but now I have 1 and 1 is all I need! I explained to him how there has been conflicting opinions about my treatment, how I was told to deliver in a higher level hospital, how I had to see 2 different high risk, etc. And this is what he told me- I'm very complicated as a patient because of my health history. When most doctors see that they run, push you away or give you answers just to make you happy even though they really don't know... Well, that's the most honest thing I've heard a doctor tell me so far. I learned this doctor actually used to work in a high risk clinic, so he has that experience, and he used to stay with his patients from first appointment through delivery. The clinic/hospital didn't like that and wanted him to make patients rotate doctors, etc. He didn't agree so he left and went somewhere he was allowed to practice how he feels medicine should be practiced. Yeah dr! We need more like him!

So he's totally into the natural thing, doesn't push any treatments, procedures, etc. that even though common, he feels unnecessary. He tells it like it is and he said there is no reason I need to be paying extra for a high risk doctor right now. If something came up then yes, but as of now I'm stable- because pregnancy tends to help the conditions I have. If he were to foresee a problem or if I were to go very preterm, he would just immediately send me to the high risk hospital and call them to fill them in on me. He said the honest truth is the majority of hospitals will put a baby in NICU who doesn't need to be there just to wrack up the medical bills. He said they have a level 2 nursery so they have the ability to do a lot of things which unless it's a very horrible problem, he said I most likely wouldn't need one... but at any other hospital, they would almost guaranteed send my baby to one just because of my history.

So, what's the downside? Well it's a solid hour drive, though only a few minutes more than the hospital I was going to. And this- he said whichever dr told me I don't need blood thinner shots was just trying to please me. He said the fact I've had a pulmonary embolism puts me at huge risk, and reiterated the death rate. Ok well, I trust this dr and so many trust him too, and I knew in the back of my mind this day would finally come. So yeah, I've been sticking myself with a needle injecting this painful shot every day. It burns so bad, but I keep telling myself it's nothing compared to natural labor and just deal with it. The good part is this dr said I really don't have to stop my other supplements/treatment and I don't have to switch to antibiotics, because I'm on a prophylactic dose not a treatment dose, so there is some leeway there. So, I had thought more good news that this would finally be covered at 100% for me, but it looks like nope- that was a mistake and I'm probably going to have to pay the outrageous amount each month for the next 6 months, needing to continue this for a bit after delivery as well. That's the worst part.

Oh one more thing, since this dr is more on the natural side, I mentioned the possibility of prenatal depression to him- it's been rough. He said I can take a supplement I used to take to help my liver. It is used for mood/depression as well. I started probably just over a week or so ago and already I'm doing so much better. Praise the Lord for that!

Thank you all who have continued prayers and support. You really do mean a lot to me and have been an encouragement to me through this. We're excited for our little Joshua and I'm praising God for speaking to me through this- guiding the way, comforting me, showing me He's always there and He's got this!


"Be strong and courageous, do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

Joshua Part 1

There's a post I've been wanting to write for about a month. But my mood wasn't right for it so I've been waiting for the right time. I'm sitting here with a list of things to do, this not being one of them, yet I'm exhausted and can't get motivated to do anything but this at the moment... so here ya go.

It's a 2 part post and it starts like this... how did our baby get his name?

We certainly weren't planning to announce his name prior to birth, didn't even think we'd come up with a name so soon. But we did...

It was March 19th, the day I found out I was pregnant. Immediately after, God spoke a verse to me: Joshua 1:9- Be strong and courageous, do not be terrified or discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. It's a verse that often comes to me with all I've gone through. But at that moment, the emphasis was on "Joshua" to the extent that God spoke to me -your baby's name will be Joshua. (Knowing, yet not knowing, we were having a baby boy- because there was technically no physical proof of that at this point).

I had another odd realization after- Joshua "1:9" and the day I found out I was pregnant was the 19th. I have this weird thing with numbers so that stood out to me.

And yet after that, after we shared the news with immediate family, my mother-in-law texted me a verse- Joshua 1:9- not being aware of the meaning this verse had to me. It had to be a God thing.

I didn't share this all immediately with J because I self doubt a lot and didn't want to get his hopes up of having a son. I also didn't want to just "tell" him what our baby's name was going to be- it was to be a mutual decision.

So how did we come to that mutual decision? Well I was still open minded to every other name out there. We went through baby name books and wrote down ideas. We came up with plenty of names for a girl but couldn't come to any conclusion on a boy. That's when I told him about Joshua, that if we had a boy, God told me his name was to be Joshua. J was hesitant at first, but was still open to it.

So the day of the anatomy scan, again sitting in that office. In the midst of silence, J said to me, "we can name him Joshua." I felt this moment of relief or something I can't describe. It was like it was meant to be. I still asked, are you sure? Are you sure that's what you want? Are you sure you're ok with that? And we both agreed- we can't really argue with God! Our son was already given the name of Joshua.

I asked J if we could announce the name early and he agreed that would be ok. I didn't feel right announcing "It's a boy!" when there was much more to it than that. We aren't expecting just a boy, we are expecting our precious son, Joshua. One of the meanings of the name Joshua is "God is generous" ...and that he is. Joshua is our gift from God.

Part 2 of the story to come...

An Explanation and a Request

Here's a few things I'd like everyone to know.

#1- Due to my health issues- physical health issues- my tolerance of stress is very very low. You see most people start with an empty glass and every bit of stress is like a little pour of water. It can take a while to fill up that glass. Well, for me that glass is already pretty close to the top. Just a little bit and it puts me over the edge. If my stress level is over the edge, I can't mentally/emotionally function anymore. I can't control this, I can't change this. I get it doesn't seem normal or easy to understand but it is what it is and I have to deal with it.

#2- Stress is bad for everyone in general. Well stress is worse for me or anyone with health issues. Stress flares up my symptoms very quickly and very horribly. To the point I then can't physically function.

#3- I'm pregnant- that means hormones- up and down roller coaster emotions on top of the two above.

#4- I'm pregnant- I'm caring for another life inside me. Stress can harm not only my health but his as well. Stress in mothers is known to cause issues in babies and later in children.


Thus, I try everything in my power to avoid stress, to avoid things that trigger me which will cause stress. And I have asked those very close to me to help with that as much as humanly possible. So what are my triggers? (Trigger warning-- skip to under the dotted line if anything could set off what emotionally hurts you.)

#1- Feeling like a failure, like I'm always wrong. (I came out of an emotionally abusive manipulative relationship).

#2- Feeling unloved, not cared about, abandoned. (I was cheated on and left for another with no regard for my well being whatsoever-literally left alone in the hospital as he traveled out of state on vacation).

#3- Feeling like I'm not a priority to my spouse or having others close to us talk behind my back. (My ex never did the leave and cleave- his family was #1, I was somewhere lower on the list. His family talked about me behind my back merely because we had different political stances and quickly turning horribly bad with one calling me a name, I won't repeat, to him and he didn't stand up for me.)

#4- Being reminded that I may never have a daughter. Please understand this is absolutely separate from having a son. It's not if I desire a daughter that I can't love my son. I will love my son, but my heart deeply longs to have a daughter. There is nothing wrong with my feelings nor expressing them.

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You see we all have triggers due to our individual life situations, perhaps how we were raised, going through divorce, or any other life situation. We can do our best to prevent those things from being set off- like staying away from things that can do that, but some things are out of control. So the more people are aware, the better they can hopefully choose to help.

At the same time, I strongly disagree with living in a world where everyone is so politically correct, so cautious to not say anything that could somehow someway hurt another that no one is allowed to express themselves, that we all mesh into carbon copies instead of how we are- uniquely created by God. If you know someone's trigger- don't set it off. If you have unkind words about someone else, don't speak them, pray about it. But don't stop being you out of fear someone out there may not agree. You can be sensitive without trying to please everyone, because pleasing everyone is impossible. Because who will you choose to please- this person or that person- because one or the other is going to disagree? No. You please God. Only God. He created us and designed us individually. Of course we are all still a work in progress, but let God do that work and don't let others stop it.

These are not just my wants or desires, these are my needs so that I can stay in the best possible health to carry this baby to the best possible health. Please help me. I'm crying out, literally, and desperately in need of people to lift me up to God to carry me through this. I'm making myself completely vulnerable by sharing my emotions, and I appreciate each and every person who chooses to support and not judge me through this. Thank you.

Real

I mentioned in the last post, the next would be a positive one. This will be, but it's not the same post I had in mind... that will come after this. I just felt I had to say this first.

The last post was upsetting, depressing... but, it was real. Real. I know a lot of people probably don't agree with my opening up my life to the world. A lot of people probably think I shouldn't be sharing the majority of what I share or in the ways I share it.

But here's the thing. I received a number of replies both publicly as well as privately that showed me people can relate. And just as that made me feel like I'm not alone, it would do the same for them. There was a reason to connect, a reason for support, a reason for compassion, especially a reason for prayer. How would that have happened if I continued to bottle it all in? Not only would I cause myself to become depressed, others out there wouldn't have a clue I'm going through this and couldn't relate as well. It could become a waterfall effect in a negative regard.

What about with my health? It's the same thing. I've had countless people contact me asking about lyme disease or MG because they or someone else they know had been affected or had symptoms and didn't know where to turn.

And divorce? Stepfamilies? Ministry life? Etc? Same thing.

Opening up allows others to relate to you. Opening up allows others to see you are real. Opening up allows others to see just because your facebook photos are all happy you really don't have it all together.

I started this blog about 4 years ago. At the time, my husband at the time had separated from me in a very cruel way, and wanted a divorce. About to turn 30, I moved back in with my parents. Along with that I was facing a major surgery and then complications from that surgery. My life was a downward spiral.

Imagine if I didn't share any of that, if none of you knew even one bit of it. Imagine if I made myself out to be someone who had it all together, who blew through those trials in life without struggle, or didn't even have a struggle as if it didn't affect me. You'd probably feel like wow, she's really got something I don't and I can't live up to that. You'd probably be completely unable to relate to a perceived perfection no one can truly attain. The glory would go to me when it shouldn't. And while in the process, no one could relate. But I didn't hide it, I shared it- pretty much all of it. So you knew where I came from, and you know where I'm at today.

Opening up... allows others to see God working through us.

Today I'm blessed to be married to a wonderful husband with a baby on the way. Of course it still comes with many trials, but I'm so far from where I was years ago. And how did I get there? Him. It was all Him. God truly can take a mess and turn it into a message as they say. He can truly take a test and turn it into a testimony. But it can't become a testimony if you don't share it, if you don't let others into your inner life. And most importantly if you don't turn your life over to Him.

Christian or not, we will all face trials. Christian or not, no one is perfect. But having Christ in your life changes your world for the better, regardless of what the world entails. And allowing others to see Christ working through you, can cause them to want Christ in their life also. And isn't that what this life is all about? Him. Don't hide the work He is doing in your life. Let others see it. Let others see that yeah maybe this life is a mess, but you have the perfect God who can sort through it.

9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

A Topic No One Talks About

If you've dealt with infertility or loss, please stop reading right here. It may trigger feelings that don't need to be resurfaced. For everyone else, please read cautiously and with an open and compassionate heart and mind. Thank you.

It's a topic no one talks about. And I hate even bringing it up. It makes me feel horribly guilty. But you know what, it needs to be talked about. Because what I've found while dealing with this myself is that MANY other women are too- quietly, softly, inside, to themselves, in pain, without support. And not getting that support just makes the issue so much worse.

I absolutely hate this term but this is what it's called- gender disappointment.

For those who don't yet know, I'm sorry you are finding out in this way but- our baby is a boy- a healthy beautiful growing boy. I "knew" our baby was a boy from day 1, honestly. I'll tell that story and a much more positive one next time. But even though I "knew", there was still the possibility that our baby could be a girl, because there was no proof this was a boy other than my feeling about it.

Just over a week ago we went for our anatomy scan. "There's the penis." Yep that's exactly how she said it- it's a body part so don't spaz out over the word use please. :) I turned to J and said "told ya." I couldn't say anything else. I couldn't even try to get any more words out or else I would cry. And cry I did only 10 or so minutes later when we were privately moved to the room to wait for the dr. And then cry I did for the following 3 days. Cry is an understatement. I was an absolute mess. My heart hurt worse than it ever did- legitimately worse than going through divorce. That's a lot of hurt.

I wasn't crying over our healthy baby boy. We've been blessed with a child and I'm incredibly thankful for that. I will love him. But I cried over my dreams being shattered. You see what I realized at that moment was when I dreamed about having a baby, what I really dreamed about was specifically having a baby girl. I would never day dream about playing trucks and dirt. I dreamed about barbies, dolls, pink, dress up, fixing her hair, getting ready for school dances, and planning a wedding together. I dreamed about a daughter. But now those dreams were shattered, no more. And before I could celebrate our boy I had to grieve the loss of a dream of a girl. And that's been a very painful legitimate process.

There's a whole other part to this, a part that only exists in step families. J has a daughter. Now J has a son. And honestly that really brought out jealously and resentment. I truly am happy that he gets to have both- that he gets to have that daddy daughter relationship as well as a father son bond. And it's nice that we do get to experience something new together- becoming parents to a son since he already has a daughter. But my heart REALLY hurts. I don't get that mother daughter bond. I don't get what my heart truly desires while he does. As I've said before and I'll continue to say, having a step daughter is not the same thing in the least bit. She has a mom. She loves her mom. I'm not here to replace her mom. Our relationship is aunt like or friendly at best. I didn't get to experience those precious first 4 years of her life. Yes we can make the best of it, but it will never be the same as having a daughter who sees me as her mom, having that maternal bond no one can take away. It hurts.

My husband has been amazing dealing with me in this. I wish I could thank him in some huge way because he deserves it. He does so much and then puts up with my crazy emotions on top of it. And even though he can't ever understand, he's trying to be there for me the best way he knows how to.

But it's hard when you don't feel you can tell anyone but your husband because it's such a taboo thing to talk about. But like I said before- it's legit and so so many women go through it. I hesitantly brought this up to 2 groups I'm in and the support I received there was amazing. I'm so glad I decided to open up about it. The thing is I have no in person friends to talk about this with. And bringing it up to someone close I was hurt by the reply. If you haven't been there, you just won't get it. Please please please don't tell me or anyone else going through this that we are wrong in feeling this way, please don't deny or invalidate our feelings, please don't say anything hurtful or can be seen as hurtful. Please don't say we can try for a girl next time when there wasn't going to be a next time.

Here's the thing- I have been sad in general lately. My hormones/emotions have been a disaster. When I heard the news of our baby boy it sent my emotions on an insane roller coaster. I'm still very very very sensitive to it. The slightest thing will cause me to cry again. I've asked my husband to please refrain from anything that will upset me during this time. I know that's hard to do and a lot to ask but I ask everyone who knows me to please do the same. For the sake of our baby, I need to try to keep it somewhat together here. But I just wanted to make it known that this is a real thing, and that it is happening to me, and that I'm insanely sensitive right now. I could use the support, prayers and any positive stories about being only a boy mom- I'm scared out of my mind without a clue how to bring up a boy, and that just in of itself, also hurts. I am thankful to be blessed with our son but I'm very much hurting horribly over the daughter I may never have.

Sorry this is so depressing. I have something much more positive to share next time.  God bless.

God is the ultimate physician

Just thought I'd update anyone who is following along.

This entire pregnancy so far has been stressful in regards to drs. Because I am high risk and the baby and/or I may need emergency care/treatment upon labor/delivery, I must deliver in a hospital. Being new here, I haven't been established with drs, nor did I immediately know what's good or bad. I didn't even really know what all a NICU meant. But I did my research. And this is what the conclusion is:

1. Closest hospital to us in town is tiny and basically just meant to be a go between to a bigger hospital... no labor or delivery anything whatsoever. Not an option.

2. Next 2 closest hospitals are 30ish minutes away. One is not covered by my insurance thus not an option. Then the other hospital does have NICU and high risk, and would be my closest option. However, the only dr group my insurance covers is a group that others highly recommended to stay away from. You don't know who will deliver your baby and half the drs there "aren't worth the paper their degree is on" as I've been told repeatedly. Having met a high risk dr there, they are also very pushy, very stressful environment. I need calm, peaceful and relaxed as much as possible. Would not be my choice unless I absolutely must.

3. Next 2 closest hospitals after that are about 50 minutes away. Both are covered by insurance. However, the one is where the one dr just dropped me, which also does not have high risk or NICU so it really shouldn't have been an option to begin with, but I didn't know that when making my first appointment there. Maybe it's for the better that he dropped me; stressful nonetheless. The other hospital does have NICU, recently completely updated and placed on the same floor as labor and delivery, and high risk and there are 2 dr groups to choose from. 1 didn't get the best reviews, the other did. So I made an appointment with the one that did and that will be on Tuesday. I've heard this dr is great but mixed things about whether this dr is open to doing things more naturally vs not. Praying my way through this. Please join me in that prayer.

4. If the option above doesn't work out, I have 2 more options, both about 50 minutes away also but in different directions. Both are covered by insurance. However, neither has high risk or NICU. Well the one does have level 2 but that's not really what I would need if the baby had any serious issues. If either of these hospitals had high risk and NICU they would be my top choices regardless of the distance. Because there is a dr at each of them who does things as naturally as the patient wants, the dr fully goes along with birth plans, and what the dr says there goes as far as the nurses so there isn't likely as much conflict. The one with the level 2 even has birthing balls and birthing tubs. That is definitely more of the birth experience I am looking for. But again, without high risk or NICU not the best option unless all other options fail.

So last I mentioned on here my dr dropped me because I considered alternatives to the one way he wanted me to do things. I'm not saying I'm just ignoring drs advice or ignoring them all together. I'm listening to everything they have to say. But I'm certainly not going to jump right in unless it's an emergency. I'm going to do my research, consider all my options, pray and make the decision I feel led to that's best for me personally. Everyone is different and my experience has shown I certainly don't fit in a medical text book. I want a dr who will be there side by side with me, not give me commands and then kick me to the curb if I don't follow narrow minded advice. I want a dr who knows sometimes natural/alternative is best, sometimes pharmaceutical/traditional medicine is best, and sometimes they can work hand in hand. Sadly that is always hard to find.

So please pray for my appointment coming up on Tuesday and that all is well with baby and I. In addition to this I'm nervous about my stress level lately. It might sound silly but our dog is driving me absolutely nuts. I heard dogs can sense when someone is pregnant and go bonkers... totally happening here. Plus ants. Lots of ants. In our bathroom. While J was gone. Totally not fun. So pray for my stress level and sanity also! I know the negative affects this can have on baby.

On a more positive note, all has been really well otherwise. Morning sickness is gone, just food aversions to meat and wanting sweets way too much! I've learned if I eat something small every couple hours and rest often, I can stay fairly stable. Actually my stepdaughter loves to tell everyone I eat 6 meals a day... she was even saying that before finding out I was pregnant which is funny but so true. My belly has started growing just a little...and with all this eating I don't know if it's baby or weight gain haha. I think I felt little flutters for the first time about a week ago. We are hoping to be able to find out the gender in 2 weeks if baby cooperates. I'm super excited for that! Bring on the pink or blue! But also just hoping for a healthy baby all around.

Praying my way through this pregnancy trusting that God is the ultimate physician and will guide me. 💓

Doctors are a nightmare

Some people prefer natural; some prefer pharmaceutical, and all for their own reason, and that's fine. But based on my experience and research I strongly prefer natural, God-made medicine from nature, not machines and chemicals. My drs back in Chicago fully supported me in that, even encouraged it. I loved having those drs in my life. They are part of the reason I'm where I'm at physically today. Doing things the natural way, taking herbs and supplements has been what has kept me stable for the past years including this first trimester of pregnancy. And it was my plan to continue down that road the entire way.

These drs all started out saying they will advise what they feel is best but it will be up to me to decide. Well what they failed to mention up front is if I choose to even question their advice/consider a different route aka natural, they will drop me as a patient. And yesterday that's what happened. So now I am left without a dr and I have no idea at all what to do. I am not hearing God anywhere in this. I'm lost, confused alone and so sad in what should be one of the most joyful times, especially considering physically all is going so much better than expected.

The problem is this. I have a minor blood clot disorder. The drs disagreed with each other whether or not I should be on blood thinner shots. Weighing the risks and benefits, I agreed with the dr who said I don't have to be on them. I chose to continue my natural supplements that also reduce blood clot risk. Well apparently behind my back they all had a discussion and the dr who was on board with me suddenly changed their story to no I have to be on blood thinner shots- to the point of pressuring me tremendously. How can you trust a dr who goes from one end of the spectrum to another?

Anyways, I would consider the shots as I know it can help prevent clots which are serious. But here are the 2 major issues. 1 is it is $250 a month for these shots! Um hello, my husband is a pastor for a very small church and I haven't been able to work a full time job. We are doing incredibly well given that situation but it's because we watch what we spend. Doing that on top of medical bills and trying to save for baby- I don't know how that can be justified when I have a cheaper option of natural.

2 is this- if I were to take the shots, I can no longer take half of my herbs/supplements. That means in order to protect myself and the baby from lyme disease I need to be on antibiotics the entire pregnancy- that is just setting the baby up to have a horrible immune system, plus adding even more to that cost. And 3, it would be switching up my entire protocol that has worked so very well for me and kept me stable. I've tried the pharmaceutical route numerous times and it's failed me, why do I have to be forced into doing it again?

Both pharmaceutical and natural have their benefits and risks. My job is to research them, discuss them, weigh them and make the choice best suited for me and baby as individuals. So what do I do? I had a plan and that plan caused me to lose my dr. Now I'm without a dr and questioning my plan. And not hearing God in any of this.

Do I find another dr and risk this happening all over again? Do I just listen to the dr and risk messing up the stability of my health? Do I find a midwife and deliver at home yet risk a serious emergency situation upon delivery (MG requires I'm in a hospital as crisis can hit time of labor and delivery). There is only 1 midwife covered on my insurance who delivers at a hospital... and that's if she even still does so and is at all decent, I have no idea. I'll have to call her and find out but I haven't yet since I really don't know what to do and what the best option is. (Update- the number is disconnected and no one knows anything about her- thus midwife at a hospital is not an option). I shouldn't have to be faced with this decision. Drs should work with the patient on what is individually best for them- natural, pharmaceutical or something else!

Please pray I'm led to the best decision for myself and baby. Pray for wisdom for my husband and I in this. Pray for a dr, midwife or otherwise who is available, able and willing to give the best possible care for my unique situation. Pray for this baby and his or her health regardless of which option. Pray for peace, comfort and to somehow be surrounded by support even though all my family, close friends and best drs live no where near here. Lord lead me.

And as I know this can be a touchy topic, please please don't start a debate of natural vs. pharmaceutical. I could really use support and prayers right now, not hearing people argue about this. Thank you.

Mothers Day 2017

Happy Mother's Day!

I say that in knowing there is pain in those words for so many. I say that in having been there. Some have hoped for so long to be a mom, some have had the pain of being a mom for too short of a time, some have lost their own mom. Whatever your story, know that you are not alone. God is there, there are people who care and can relate, and there is hope amidst the pain.

I became a stepmom about a year ago. I'm thankful for having a child in my life. However, no disrespect to moms, stepmoms, any other type of mom or children to any of the above, but I've very quickly learned over the past year that IF that child's biological mom is active in their life, being a stepmom is not at all the same as being a mom (given everyone's situation is different, so again no disrespect). Being a stepmom gives you no legal rights to that child whatsoever. The child has loyalty ties to the mom who delivered and/or raised them the first part of their life. You are more like an aunt, or more so, the wife of their daddy who does things for them. It's a tough job to take on the tasks of a mom but not have that title or loyalty and unconditional love from the child. It can make the desire to have your own child even stronger. But then for me, there are the health issues, and the unknown if I ever could even conceive, carry and deliver a child. And hearing your stepchild constantly call out daddy, but never mommy in your house, is a constant reminder of a pain that lies deep.

But there is always hope... hope that your relationship with the stepchild can grow into such a strong and amazing one. Hope that you bring light to their life, or maybe even they bring light to yours. Hope that a baby or child in some way is still in your future. Hope in Him because He knows our future even when we don't. And today I want to share my own story of hope.

First, we got a dog. Let me tell you, even if you hold that dog like a baby and talk to him/her like a baby (which my husband will admit I do way too often), that dog still isn't a baby lol. So realization number 1- as much as you love dogs, it's never going to fill your desire for a child. Now that that's out of the way...

What most people don't know is that J and I had been praying about and considering fostering and/or adoption pretty much since day 1. Not knowing if I could ever have kids, we wanted to consider all options. But you have to have been married for a year So as we approached one year, we looked into this while we continued to pray about it. Turns out none of the parenting classes, which you have to take first, worked with our schedule. So we've been waiting for the next round of schedules to come out.

All the while, God had other plans. There are many Sundays I wake up unsure if I'll make it to church because I'm too weak or not feeling good. One Sunday in March was no different... but fast forward, I made it church. After the service, J had to drive someone home so I asked if he could stop back to get me after I look for a book in his office. He walked into his office, I walked up and took his hands, looked at him and said... I'm pregnant!

Our God is a God of miracles and this was certainly one of them. So going back to that morning, I woke up with a feeling I need to take a test. I looked at the result of that faint line and my mouth dropped, literally dropped open. I think I literally said out loud "Are you serious?!" I still wasn't feeling good but the thought that went through my head was "There's no way I can miss church the day I find out I'm pregnant!" lol So I got ready and went. Then had to act all normal next to J for an hour. At the same time, I was cautiously optimistic. Could it be a false positive? Would this last? Could my body even do this? The next day I took another test and it was positive again. I called the dr for an appointment and an ultrasound was scheduled. I really am pregnant, we're having a baby!

We talked about how to announce this. I don't think it's quite the same for us as it would be for someone who was completely healthy. We all know this is a concern and a risk. While I would love for people to just jump for joy for and with us, I know what's going to immediately go through most people's minds is the concern of it all, should we have even tried, is it worth it? And let me tell you, it is worth it. Even already, it is. So we felt what's best is to give all the details up front so maybe people's minds can be eased and rather than initially worrying, can just join us in rejoicing for this gift of life. And if anything bad does happen, I want that support and others to know what we're going through, not to have to hide it. So here it is.

Being high risk, I've already had 3 appointments and 3 ultrasounds and everything has been better than expected. We have been able to hear the baby's heartbeat and see those little arms and legs move! You see, when you get pregnant, your immune system weakens so not to fight off the baby as something foreign. Well, with MG being an autoimmune disease (your body fights your body), being pregnant can actually put MG into remission. I'm not quite in remission but I'm actually doing pretty well in regards to MG. As for Lyme Disease, it can go either way- pregnancy can make you much worse or it can possibly make you better. I think I'm again doing a little better. So that is all very positive!

The concerns are my blood pressure and blood sugar have been dropping so I need to rest just as much, keep my legs up a whole lot so the blood doesn't pool and make me faint, and eat small frequent meals. And more concerning is my blood clot disorder. It makes me 5 times more likely to have a blood clot. Pregnancy apparently makes you 20 times more likely. Put those 2 together and it's not the greatest. Then because my immune system is weaker I have to be even more careful about not being around anyone sick- hard to do. Lastly, stress. A blended family situation can be very stressful with multiple parties involved and all having different opinions and desires. I'm supposed to avoid stress, but more so now because it's harmful for the baby. That's the hardest part.

And most concerning at the moment is just in these past few days I've been having pain... Baby still looks good but I have some signs of appendicitis. However, they were unable to see my appendix in an ultrasound. So they can't rule it out. But doing a CT could be harmful to the baby. Hoping and praying whatever the pain is passes without any needed intervention.

As for the baby once born, he or she can be born with temporary MG in which case would need urgent treatment. But it is only a possibility, not a definite, and it would most likely go away in a short time. Lyme Disease has a big risk of being passed on, but my being on treatment while pregnant greatly lessens that risk. So we are hopeful and remaining hopeful in all of this.

No one, healthy or not, is guaranteed their pregnancy will go well and that the baby will be healthy. So yes I am hopeful, but I'm not taking a second of this for granted. I have this miracle of life inside me and nothing can describe that. Through the nausea, dizziness and everything else that hits me, I am thankful. I'm thankful for another day of symptoms because it's a constant reminder of this precious gift. I'm thankful for every single day I get to experience being pregnant. I'm thankful that this mother's day, regardless of what is to come, I can say, I'm a mom. Life begins at conception and agree or not, this baby has made me a mom. As long or as short as this time may last, I am thankful and I praise God through this.

Never give up hope in Him. He knows our future even when we don't. Times may be tough, trials will be had, but we are promised that life eternal, when we trust in Him, will be worth it. And sometimes we can even catch a glimpse of that joy in our life here on earth.

Baby is due November 2017. Please join us in praying for our little miracle of life, and for my body to be strengthened through Him to carry this baby to full term with a healthy and safe pregnancy, labor, delivery and outcome. But for whatever His will, that we trust in it and fully accept it. In Jesus name, Amen!


'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' Jeremiah 29:11

Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; Jeremiah 1:5a