Gideon Michael James part 2

If you haven't yet read part 1, you can here.

What I'm about to say next is going to be very sensitive and somewhat graphic. Discretion is strongly advised before considering reading. The topic is pregnancy loss.














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Today is Saturday, a week since what I'm about to say happened. I've been working on writing this for a while but I've just been unable to finish. Where I left off was the natural process of physically losing Gideon was starting to take place. This was over a week ago Thursday.

Through all this I've been battling how do I work through letting go of Gideon while also maintaining a focus on my son who's alive and with me? I can say it's been Joshua motivating me to get out of bed each morning. I have to carry on because I have him. When this all started one of the top things in my mind was my poor Joshua! His birthday was Friday and I wanted so very much to give him a good birthday, the best we could at least. When all this happened I was determined if nothing else I would still bake him a cake and get him a balloon but the celebration could happen any time as long as I could wish him a happy birthday on his actual birthday. Thankfully God allowed us this time. I not only baked a cake and got a balloon with the help of my husband, but we still managed to take him out to lunch as planned, and do gifts with him, and Facetime family.

I was determined to place my entire focus on Joshua that day. And I did for the most part. But when the time came to put him into bed and his birthday was officially over as far as celebrating, my heart sunk back into sadness. My sweet Gideon.

God answered our prayers, allowing us that day with Joshua. Then Saturday arrived. I don't remember what the morning entailed, but what I do remember is this- Somewhere around 7/7:30 I started feeling contractions, as if I was going into labor. It very quickly progressed from what felt like bad cramping to full on active labor. I'm not sure J knew what was going on as we were watching a show and as he continued to watch the show I got up and started laboring through the pain that was getting worse and worse... walking, on all fours, groaning through it, rocking... J said "why don't you try to get some sleep." "Yeah right" I think was my response. There was no way I was sleeping through this. At that point I think I moved from the bed to the bathroom and continued to labor through the remainder there. It was SO rough. Not only the pain, which literally felt the same as when I had Joshua, but the emotions. I had no idea I'd actually have to go through labor for this, but to have to labor through this and then not have a baby in the end? Oh my heart. At one point the pain slowed down and I thought I passed the baby. I looked at what I thought was the baby (I later on realized was a clot) and I completely broke down. I slid down to the floor bawling my eyes out starting to hyperventilate. I literally told J to help me breathe because I couldn't.

And then it started back up. I realized this happened with Joshua also. I said this isn't over yet. All of a sudden my water broke! I never felt that with Joshua but it was insane! Like a water balloon popping inside me. And when that happened, I said "I think our baby just came out." And all the pain was suddenly gone. I looked down and there he was, our sweet tiny little baby, as well as the placenta. Again I seriously had NO idea it would be like this- it was just like having a live baby only quicker. At that point my focus was shifted toward saving Gideon's little body, which I managed to do.

But once I did that, the bleeding only got worse, much worse. Baseball size clot after clot after clot. I went from the bathroom to the bedroom, back and forth, once or twice even laying down attempting to sleep. But I actually feared if I fell asleep I might not wake up from the amount of blood loss. In my head I pondered calling an ambulance. But we were having a horrible freezing rain/ice/sleet/snow storm and around here no one is prepared for something like that. J couldn't drive at night nor would I even let him drive in that weather especially with Joshua in the car with us. I wondered if we should call someone, but it was nearly 1 AM now. J was trying to sleep and I was trying to let him. But finally I said "I think we need to call 911. You know I wouldn't do this unless I felt my life was at risk." And I called. I've never called 911 before. I handed the phone to J telling the guy on the other side that I needed to get ready to leave. But instead they made me lay down and had J push on my lower stomach to help the bleeding. It felt like eternity when the ambulance finally arrived about 25 minutes later.

The one guy asked if we had the baby and when I said yes, he said they had to take it. I yelled ABSOLUTELY NOT! YOU ARE NOT TAKING MY BABY! I told him if that was what had to happen to take me to the hospital that I refused to leave the house and would bleed to death here if I had to. I know that sounds crazy especially to someone who hasn't been through this, but I would absolutely not give up my baby's body knowing there was a chance that he would be discarded as medical waste. I've heard too many horrible stories. After he spent a long while on the phone with the hospital he told me they said ok they will just have to do an ultrasound to confirm I passed the baby then. I said THAT'S PERFECTLY FINE, CAN WE LEAVE YET?! I was starting to have trouble breathing and my blood pressure was dropping very low. I could hear them talking about how pale I was and how much blood I was losing.

The problem was the weather. The local hospital apparently wouldn't take me because of my multiple health issues. They feared if they took me there and something went wrong I actually would end up dying there because at that point there would be no way to transport me to another hospital. So instead they had to take me the normally 30 minute drive to the hospital in another town. J would have been allowed to come with me but Joshua being a baby could not. Plus the weather. J asked if I wanted him to find someone to bring them and I said no, please stay home and keep Joshua safe. As they rolled me out the door into the snow I looked at J and grabbed his hand one more time. He rarely cries but I saw his eyes filling with tears. That's what told me this is serious. He later told me he was scared he was going to lose me. My heart sunk. I had no idea. He was worried about me but I was worried about them. I didn't have any milk pumped and Joshua still nurses around the clock. My poor baby and J having to care for him.

The 30 minute drive took over an hour as the ambulance had to travel 20 mph on the interstate in order to transport me safely. The guy kept taking my vitals and kept updating the hospital. All the while I was praying not for my health but for our safety to get there and for Joshua to be ok without me. God answered our prayers again.

Finally we arrived safely to the hospital around 2:45 am. It seemed as soon as they learned I had MG they all kind of stepped back and didn't want to do anything to me fearing they could make me worse. So instead I received about 7 bags of IV fluids counting the many they gave me in the ambulance, and oxygen, and was monitored. I watched as the more fluids I got the more my blood pressure and oxygen went up. But honestly, though the doctors and nurses there were kind, they were very inattentive. I could go on and on about that but it's not worth it. Point is at one point I had to press the call button more times than I could count and wait at least 30 minutes to have someone help me to use the bathroom! That is insane! They weren't even busy. I heard them all talking and laughing right there. And I also asked for a pump so I wouldn't get mastitis and it took them hours upon hours to finally bring it. When they did the nurse said she had no idea how to use it, after I said I needed someone to help because I'd never used one before. So she told me just to use the manual one... the manual one that you yourself have to squeeze over and over and over... to a person with Myasthenia Gravis. When my IV stopped I asked for something to drink because my mouth was so dry. That finally arrived hours later. It was ridiculous.

Morning, well 7 AM, rolled around and they talked about letting me go. The next issue was again the weather. There was no way J could drive to come get me, no way that car would make it. So I actually posted on Facebook asking if anyone with a 4 wheel drive car would be willing to come get me. Thankfully multiple people offered and kindly a couple from church picked me up! The doctors tested my blood levels again before leaving and said it was under normal range but not too far under. They questioned letting me go or not but I told them I had to get home to nurse my baby. And so we left. I was really weak and tipping, as I call it, which is when I get really weak and my muscles give out. The roads were still pretty horrible. But God answered our prayers again.

Finally I was home with my husband and baby. I couldn't wait to nurse him and just sit with my husband just to be with him. So hard being without them alone in a hospital, knowing they couldn't get to me because of the weather. We had originally planned to take Joshua out for his first experience in the snow but I tossed that to the back of my mind. I was very weak, still a little dizzy, and told to rest for a week or so. Yet J suggested we still do that. He set out a chair for me and he did all the work of getting Joshua ready and building him a snowman. Thankful for that little moment that I still got to be a part of with them.

This past Monday arrived and I said we need to contact the funeral home. I don't want my baby's body to decay in front of my eyes. I am so incredibly thankful the funeral home here will help out families who lost babies who weren't full term. Before the funeral home director came over to take Gideon's body, we took some pictures holding him. I then placed his body in a tiny little box and put a bow on it. Though I won't get to meet him til heaven, he was our gift this year. God answered another prayer- I am incredibly thankful though losing him so early, I was still able to see him and hold him and place him to rest. My sweet Gideon.

It's both amazing and sad to me that for most people this early, they never hear a heartbeat and they never get to see or hold their baby's body. Most people this early typically just bleed and don't quite know where the baby came out in all that. But I prayed God would allow me to do this as naturally as possible because for me that's what would help bring closure. And He did- labor, water breaking, delivery my baby completely in tact, holding him and being able to lay him to rest.

The funeral director walked in the house and I instantly broke down in tears. I couldn't even say hi. She gave me a hug and said she was so sorry. All that went through my mind was why are we doing this? Parents aren't supposed to lay their child to rest, it's supposed to be the other way around. So many tears. So much crying. I went and got Gideon, I handed him over and fell into J's arms. The last time I will ever hold him until heaven. My sweet Gideon.

Prior to then I debated back and forth what to do with our Gideon's body- burial, cremation, I had no idea. The thought of handing him over caused me so much pain. But the thought of burring him caused confusion. How could we do that here, in a house we don't own, where we possibly may not live forever? How would I be able to visit him? And so I suggested and we came to the conclusion we would have him cremated and later possibly plant a tree in memory of him. So later that day we drove over to the funeral home. We walked in. Joshua was my little distraction. Oh how thankful I am for this little guy. We had to sign papers and pick out an urn. Why are we having to do this? Why? I couldn't fathom looking at an urn and being reminded of death, but when we walked in there this heart popped out to me, a tiny green heart. That to me, would make me think of love. J agreed and that's what we decided on.

Then Tuesday arrived. This was the day of my follow up. Another hour drive to my doctor. I prayed so much that everything had passed and I didn't need any medical intervention. But the other thought that hit me was the drive, the hour drive. Up til now this drive was a positive memory- every time we drove there and back for Joshua, driving there and back for the previous appointment for Gideon. Now it was a sad one. For some reason we decided we would first go to another town to pick up lunch. That resulted in the drive there being a different route than usual. As silly as it sounds, that helped me. And then the wait in the doctor's office. Looking around at all those bellys, I should have soon had one. Seeing everyone so happy, so cheerful, no one knew the pain that was inside me. We went to the room and the doctor soon came in. He took out the ultrasound and there it was... nothing. Nothing inside my uterus. How do I handle that moment? It's a prayer answered but that prayer was only prayed due to loss. I never wanted to lose this baby but since it happened I had prayed it would all happen naturally, and it did. So I guess again, God answered another prayer.

We left that office and drove home. We didn't even talk. How could we? What was there even to say? This was so hard, a pain I never imagined. There were so many calls and texts that night. Of course we had to update everyone, well J did. I still haven't been able to talk. This again just hurt me. To others it would now appear that this process was over, completed, moving on. But I wasn't. I was still, I was hurt, I wasn't moving. I still dealt with the physical aspect of all this, would still deal with bleeding for a while just like after birth, but the emotional side was even harder. But again, God answered a prayer- having people from church reach out and offer us a meal. So very needed at this time. I couldn't begin to think about cooking and J will admit that's not one of his specialties.

Wednesday- the funeral director contacted J to let us know Gideon's remains were ready. Later that day she drove them over to us. She handed me that green heart and I again broke down crying. Would the tears, would the pain, ever end?

Thursday I told J I need a day for just us. I need to shut off the world and do nothing, just be, with my husband. When Joshua took a nap we rested, we watched shows, we just- existed. But my pain, my grief was turning into anger, one of the stages of it. I had so much anger, even hatred inside me. So what would have been a relaxing day turned into being very stressful. I was really hurting, and I know J is in his own way. I didn't sleep that night.

Friday, yesterday, I said again I just want to focus on Joshua today. I can't let Joshua miss out on things because of me. I've been wanting to take him to get his 1 year pictures but kept putting it off. So we spontaneously went and did that. J and I were in a few of the pictures. Having to smile when I wasn't smiling on the inside seemed fake but I reminded myself this is for Joshua. J wanted to go to lunch with his daughter and so we faced a dilemma. I still wasn't ready to see anyone, and as harsh as others may think this sounds, I especially wasn't ready to see her. She would remind me of what I wouldn't have, another child. I encouraged J to see her, but now that Joshua and I were in the car with him what do we do. I again shifted my focus to Joshua. Before all this happened we were supposed to go out to lunch, the 4 of us, to celebrate his birthday. And so that's what I decided, as incredibly hard as it was, this day was again for Joshua. We picked up J's daughter and as I saw her walking to the car the tears began. I mustered up a short hi. She already knew what happened and J probably already asked her to be sensitive to that. But now what? I had no idea what to do, how to act, who to be. I just lost a child and now I'm in a car with another one. I can't describe these feelings but they were very hard.

But that lunch turned out to be what we all needed. Sweet Joshua and celebrating his birthday, now a week later. We ordered our food, Joshua ate half of mine, so in turn I ate half of everyone else's. Joshua opened up his gift from my stepdaughter and acted like he wanted to eat it, as he tries to do with everything. We talked, we even talked about Gideon, and how they now both have a brother in heaven. We then drove her back to school and head home. It was a relief that that was over but it felt good to do that for my husband. I know most of the focus has been on me and what I've needed, and I know he needed this, HIS whole family now together.

Well today is Saturday, and I'm sure tonight will be hard. Remembering a week ago passing Gideon, holding Gideon, later handing over Gideon. How much love I have for such a tiny little baby who's first breath will be breathed in heaven, who's eyes will open only in heaven, who's remains are all we have with us. Gideon Michael James I will forever, til the day I get to meet you, I will forever miss and love you. My heart will always have a spot missing and that spot is you.