I'm writing this for 3 purposes- 1. It's therapeutic for me. Writing is my release. I want to/need to share my/our story. 2. To reach out to those who have gone through this, to give and receive support. It's such a silent thing, but you are NOT alone. 3. To help those who haven't been through this to better understand what an extremely difficult process this is. I had NO idea how hard this would be before I started to walk through it.
Please note that this is very raw, there is some very sensitive and maybe slightly leaning on graphic information. Please consider how that may affect you before deciding to read or not. Thank you for walking along side us through this.
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This was supposed to be a pregnancy announcement.
I'm laying here awake as I have been every night in the middle of the night for months now. I'm surviving on 1-3 hours of sleep a night and I have no idea how. Writing is my release. It's how I express things. So as I have been laying here unable to sleep I again heard, write, just write. You need to do this. You need to let it out. You need to grieve. So I'm writing. Sorry if it comes out wrong or bad or makes no sense- again I'm lacking sleep and I'm really struggling emotionally.
October 7, 2018, I took a pregnancy test, again while J was at church, or rather a church luncheon. Positive. It was positive! We didn't at all plan for this, we didn't at all expect this. It just sort of... happened. My parents were here visiting at the time and J had a funeral to prepare for and church Homecoming that very day. I couldn't share this news yet, with anyone. For an entire week this news was kept completely to myself. The hormones had me hot cold hot cold, but that's nearly normal for me, easy to brush that one off to those around me. Still I had such a huge secret and I wondered if they knew- did I look differently, did I act differently, did they all know something was up?
J and I do this thing where every day we try to do something for each other- either a gift, a surprise, a fun activity, a kind gesture, or simply a behavior change we know would please the other. So a week later after coming home from church I told J I had a surprise for him but he had to do my fun scavenger hunt to find it. I sent him around the house looking for clues found in... the bed, diapers, baby food... he didn't quite put it all together but I found it pretty entertaining and funny. He got to the final part with the prize and pulled out some m&ms I of course put in there to throw him off. I told him there was one more thing and he reached down and found a scratch off lottery ticket. We occasionally get those just for fun, never really win anything. But little did he know he was about to win big. This was all planned for over Joshua's nap time by the way. He scratched it off and he can't see small so I was like, "You won! Scratch off the prize to see what you won!" He was looking at it and looking at it and then he looked at me like a deer in headlights again. "We're having a baby!" it said. We hugged, we were shocked, we were scared, we didn't quite know how this happened... I mean we did, but still.
We then had the long wait before going to the first dr appointment. They did an ultrasound and dated me right around 7 weeks. We heard a heartbeat.... we heard... a heartbeat. It was 132 beats per minute. But something was off. I just knew something was off. No one said anything, I didn't ask. But I knew, that heartbeat just wasn't right. I told J but he told me not to worry, that they didn't say anything so it should be fine.
We started getting excited though, talking about plans for this baby. We would need to buy a van now with 3 kids including my stepdaughter. Would the kids share a room? Would this baby be colicky like Joshua was or a simply a breeze? We talked about how to share the news with family. We had it all planned out. I was so excited. We bought Joshua a shirt that said Big Brother. Oh my heart thinking about him and his sibling being so close in age growing up together. I think that's what's touched me the most about this. I so deeply wanted Joshua to have someone to grow up with close in age. A brother or sister, either way. I never thought that would actually happen but it was as if another dream was coming true, the first being my first, Joshua.
But the weeks went on and I never got any pregnancy symptoms. Very very different than with Joshua, and I know that can happen, but again something was off. I just knew inside me something was off. Again J tried to ease my worries as we waited the long 6 weeks til my next appointment. After all, the doctor had no reason to be concerned. I had an easy complication free first pregnancy, and we live an hour away so he schedules them far apart as we agreed to.
6 weeks later still haven't arrived. This Monday night, J was doing a funeral. I couldn't attend because Joshua is still sick and it was also his bedtime. So I'm at home nursing Joshua before bed. I then put him to bed. I then had a pregnancy scare which concerned me and I texted J. I also texted my dr. Both assured me it would be ok and was probably nothing. My dr said to come in the next day. I needed to take it easy until then, hard when you've got a little one running around with no one to help. The next morning J again was at the funeral- graveside. I had to ask him to not attend the luncheon for the family after because of needing to get to the dr. I feel horrible but I hope they understand. And off we were on the long hour drive to the dr. I think we were both trying to be hopeful at this point- still talking about announcements, possible bedrest, names, etc.
Thank you to my doctor for being so accommodating and taking me in without even having an appointment. But my fears came true. The dr came in and I couldn't even get out a hi. I got up on the table as he took out the ultrasound. As soon as he put it on me I knew, J knew, we knew. You couldn't see anything. He had to zoom in really close and there it was, our baby, our tiny tiny little baby. The baby stopped growing and stopped living at 8.5 weeks, 3.5 weeks ago. All I could do was yell "no!" I couldn't even cry. I couldn't think. J grabbed my hand. The doctor went over all our options. I asked a bunch of questions. Right before he was about to leave I then said "I don't know if this is a question for you or not but" and I finally started crying, as typing this is making me do for the billionth time now again, "should I do something to remember the baby? Can I do something? I know it was only 8 weeks but it's still my baby." The doctor became a person at that moment. He put his hand on me and said of course, it's a loss no matter how far along the baby was, and explained my options. I want to do something to remember this baby, our sweet baby. My 2nd child, J's 3rd.
Before my dr even went over my options I told him I absolutely do not want a d&c. I can't fathom the thought of that, in my head that was the same thing as an abortion though I know my baby has already passed and it's not at all the same thing. But for me to emotionally grieve this loss I felt I needed to do it naturally. I need to allow this baby to come out of me, not forcefully remove it. But the dr said it's already been 3.5 weeks the baby has not been alive inside me, and waiting much longer would put me at risk for serious infection including life threatening sepsis. So the dr said the best option would be to take a bunch of pills he would prescribe which would hopefully help that move along. I said ok as we left. On the car ride home I did research and later I talked to other people who have been through this. I then messaged my dr saying I think I'd actually prefer the d&c after learning more about this. The pill option comes with so many risks including risk of pulmonary embolism. I have a blood clot disorder and have already survived a PE. I certainly don't want to go through that risk again now having Joshua to look after. The thing is with d&c I would be put to sleep, general anesthesia which means huge risk to me because of my MG (Myasthenia Gravis). The dr said the normally 4 hour hospital outpatient stay could turn into an overnight for me. How does that work with having Joshua, still nursing Joshua on demand? Having never pumped and no milk stored to do that? My options are all very risky for me personally because of my health issues, every single one of the 3 comes with a risk that can be life threatening. So I really can't win in this, I mean it's a huge loss already but now I'm faced with the decision of what is safest for me personally. I've not even begin to process this emotionally because I'm focused on getting all the facts to make the best informed decision that we could. I told my dr we would pray about it and let him know this morning.
However tonight it seems my body has started this process on it's own, finally after 3.5 weeks of my baby having passed inside me. I hope and pray so much so that this happens naturally and that I don't need to do either of the two other options. I hope and pray this doesn't cause infection especially not sepsis, that I don't need a hospital stay or ER visit or anything else. I've been a bit dizzy as this is happening. J is staying home with me today if not more days and staying close by regardless.
At this point in my typing I again tried to sleep and maybe managed to get 2 hours. It's Wednesday now. I went to bed crying, I woke up through the night multiple times crying, I woke up in the morning crying. I never knew how hard this would be. Thinking I'll never get to see my little baby, I'll never get to touch my baby, hug my baby, hold my baby. As I heard Joshua on the baby monitor, I thought that should soon be 2 babies on the monitor. Every Tuesday that passes... I would be a taking a picture of my belly growing at 13 weeks... 14 weeks... 20 weeks... and so on. When June 18, 2019 rolls around, my baby was supposed to be here. As hard as labor is, I'd do at all over times 100 before I'd choose doing this. And then thinking about all those milestones I'll be missing... rolling over, sitting up, standing, walking, saying mama for the very first time. Realizing we won't be wrapping the shirts for Joshua and my stepdaughter to open of "Big Brother" and "Big Sister Again." I mean they are, and we will, but it will have to wait until heaven.
So today I felt I had to do something. I typed a prayer to J overnight. I had to let this baby go before it would leave my body. So today I asked J to pray for us something similar. We both placed our hands over this little ones still body and prayed. We prayed telling God we let go, we told this baby we love it. This was my prayer last night- "Lord, thank you for giving us the time we had with this baby, as short as it was and even though we didn't get to meet him. I thank you for choosing us to be his parents. I pray we get to someday in the distant future in heaven, meet him, to touch his little hand, to hold him, to hug him, to see him. But Father we know this gift was yours before he was given to us. And now just as you gave him to us we give him back to you. Into your hands I let go and grieve him. Please be with us and him and Joshua also as we walk through this. It is our faith in you that will carry us through this. In Jesus name I pray, Amen." Lord, we're ready. We know you've already taken this child up with you but we now ask that you help this process move along and naturally allow this baby's body to leave my body. We never wanted this day to happen but now that it has we have to say I am ready, we are ready. He is yours and we give him back to you, Lord.
With this baby we just lost, I felt a connection from day 1. I felt SO connected. My sweet baby. I pray I will someday, hopefully a long distance away though, someday meet you in heaven.
Last night we sadly made another call so J could tell his daughter, my stepdaughter. She was so excited to hear I was pregnant. But that WAS was the key word as J continued. When she heard the baby had passed her response was that of a sweet 8 year old, "But you still have Joshua." Of course one baby will never replace another, but her response was a bitter sweet reminder to me. Our sweet Joshua. I never thought I'd have a baby, but I did, we did. Together we have been blessed with one and then 8 and a half weeks with another.
My only possible regret in all this is not telling people sooner. With Joshua, I literally prayed my way through the pregnancy and strongly believe prayer is what brought us a healthy, amazing little boy. We announced to my parents at 5 weeks, to J's parents around 7ish weeks, the rest of the family shortly after and to everyone at 12 weeks. 12 weeks would be now with this one. 12 weeks people could have been praying for us, for this little one's life. Yet still, I know deep inside, this one was meant to be with Jesus.
So one more story before I close this. If you've made it this far thank you for your patience and walking with me/us through this.
Before this happened, actually for me before I even became pregnant, I was given a name, a name for our baby. After both finding out we were pregnant, I told J I was given a name but I told him I was also not to share this name with him, to give J time to see if God would give him a name also. God had given me Joshua's name, but I shared it before J got a chance to see if he would also hear a name. So for a few weeks I waited. One day J came home for lunch and said "I have a name." I was shocked and asked that he share it. He told me it's very different. I said well so is mine. I asked again what the name was. "Gideon" he said. My mouth dropped. I was speechless. And then I said "You won't believe this. That's the name I have too! Clearly this is a boy and God has named our baby Gideon." And so that was it. Just like God gave Joshua his name, God gave Gideon his name also. It was too early to physically find out the gender, but we don't need to. Our son's name is Gideon Michael, Michael because J thought it sounded good and because it makes me think of him as our little angel. God keeps speaking James to me so I think we are going to add that so he will actually have 2 middle names just as my brother does.
Gideon Michael James we love you.
Today we woke up and looked outside and the ground was covered in snow. Just as it was when Joshua came into this world almost exactly 1 year ago, it is the same as our Gideon has left this world. And the thought came to me. God says, I cover the ground in snow but you know the ground is still there. For now it just looks more beautiful but soon again some day you will see the ground again. Gideon, we trust God has you in His arms as you are somewhere beautiful and someday again soon we will see you again.
As time passes I know people will forget. One by one, day by day, this will leave your minds. But please, for us right now and for a while, please try not to forget. Please keep us in prayer as we continue to walk through this. It is very hard to ask for help, or even ask for support but please, send or show support however you are able. We need it, I need it. If you'd like to do something, someone kindly set up a meal train for us if you are local. It's posted on our facebook page. It would be much appreciated as I can barely remember to put things away or where things are let alone focus on cooking a meal. I hate asking for things but honestly right now I just need to feel loved. I'm not ready to verbally talk about this, that's just not me. But the way I would feel loved is cards, texts, emails, messages, flowers, food. Anyone sending or bringing anything just to show they care would mean the world to me and to us especially since we don't have family here to help us through this. Thank you all so much for your love and support and I am SO very sorry to anyone who has been down this path or even worse. Our hearts are now joined in a club none of us ever wanted to be in. And now all we can do is trust in God in our faith to get us through this. 💓
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