Grieving our Gideon

Again I think my hope here in writing this is 1. Writing is my outlet, to express myself openly and freely as part of my own grieving process. 2. To give/receive support by relating to others who have gone through this. 3. To allow others who haven't experienced this to learn the depths of what we go through. This is such a silent thing and I'm breaking the silence. If you don't agree, please just consider not reading this.

I may just be projecting this onto people, I probably am. But now that Gideon has passed through me I feel like people think the process is over, it's time to move on. The problem is, for me it's only just beginning. Now that Gideon is officially gone, I'm officially lost, hurting, angry, confused, etc. I'll later tell the rest of the story of what has happened since my last post about losing Gideon, but for now I cannot.

Yesterday into today I've been dealing with a lot of anger. And it's nothing against any of you, it's not even about you. It's just me... grieving our Gideon. Anger is a stage of grief and I'm definitely going through it. Everything is making me angry...

- Angry first and foremost that our Gideon is no longer with us
- Angry no one in our family lives close enough to physically be with us (again NOTHING against these people, I absolutely understand circumstances, I'm just expressing my anger within)
- Angry the dumb keurig messed up my coffee this morning making me waste a k-cup (ridiculous I know)
- Angry my son was acknowledged by less people for his birthday than my stepdaughter is, making me feel as if he's less important
- Angry I still haven't gotten my son his first birthday pictures
- Angry Joshua is missing out on all my attention right now
- Angry I have no idea what Christmas will look like now, possibly spent alone with just the 3 of us
- Angry if we don't travel for Christmas this year the next time we even could based on my stepdaughters schedule is 2 years from now and Joshua will be 3 by then
- Angry my son is missing out on so much
- Angry last night that Joshua went to bed later and I got no time alone with my husband
- Angry when I dropped a raisin and couldn't find it
- Angry in my dreams and upon waking up
- Angry seeing the "big sister" ornaments hanging for my stepdaughter, but my son doesn't get to experience being a big brother
- Angry when we don't finish food and it gets wasted
- Angry when before the dr we stopped at chick-fil-a for lunch and I forgot to hand J the giftcard, so we spent money we didn't need to spend
- Angry when J asked when would be good to set up some meeting/work (I'm not angry at J I'm angry that life goes on for everyone, but it can't for me, at least not right now)
- Angry when I'm told to just stay positive, or focus on the good things, etc etc
- Angry when people say or act like it's "just a miscarriage"

But reeling this in to where the pain stems from, first of all, this wasn't "just a miscarriage." I hate that word to begin with, but it wasn't. The fact is the term for what I went through is a "missed miscarriage." Gideon passed away inside me without coming out. And then weeks after his passing I actually went through the labor and delivery process right here at home, passing our sweet Gideon 100% in tact. Imagine losing your baby, looking at him, holding him, and then refer to it as "just a miscarriage." It's much more than that. It's losing a child, no matter if that child lived or not, no matter how long that child was inside you. I have a baby who is now in heaven. I lost a child. And I'll discuss that in my next post, but for now I'm too angry to even touch upon it.

I think it's safe to say I'm getting angry about pretty much everything. Again, this isn't about you or against you, it's about my own process of grieving our Gideon. But what I want to do is offer suggestions as to what would help and what would not. I know people have no idea what to say or do and don't want to say or do the wrong thing, which means maybe they say or do nothing at all to avoid it. But if you've been wanting to help, and not known how, here are ideas. And if you don't, ok. And if you have already thank you SO very much. Maybe this will be helpful to others in other situations as well, I don't know but that is my hope with this.

Please don't say/do the follow- (if you've already done one of these please don't worry and don't think I'm calling you out on it. I'm not and I may not have even noticed if you already did one of these things. I'm just listing anything and everything that can or would hurt me emotionally right now.)
- "just a miscarriage"
- "focus on the positive" (grieving is natural and needs to be experienced- this is not something to just cover up)
- "you still have Joshua" (yes I do, but one child does NOT replace the other)
- calling my baby tissue or a fetus or anything other than a baby or referring to him by name, Gideon
- telling me he's an angel. maybe he is, maybe he isn't. I don't think any of us know that
- saying he's watching over me/us. Again I don't think we know that
- telling me to move on, get over it, life goes on (yes eventually it does, and in some ways now it does, but I will never fully get over the loss of a child)
- asking if we will be trying for another baby (right now I'm grieving THIS baby)
- saying we can have another child (maybe we can, maybe we can't, maybe we want to, maybe we don't, but I'm 34 and even if we did, again, one child will never replace another)
- telling me or giving the impression that it's been long enough I need to move on
- discussing or doing anything high conflict or stressful

What would help-
- bringing a meal, still, whenever
- if you are far and can't bring a meal, offering to pay for J to pick one up somewhere locally (barely anyone delivers here) is greatly appreciated so it's one less thing to worry about physically cooking and financially
- offering to watch Joshua so J and I can just get some time alone to process all this
- offering to clean a room or the house so J can get a break
- if you are friends or family who can't visit- texting, emailing or fb but being ok with not getting an immediate response or a brief response or not getting a response at all (nothing against you)
- sending some sort of books or resources on this so I have them when I'm ready for it (I found a devotional on pregnancy loss on Amazon but I can't bring myself to buy it)
- sending a card just to show you care, you don't even have to worry about writing anything in it
- listening without giving any advice
- praying is great but literally typing out a prayer to me/us through text, email, fb is even better
- flowers (I don't know what my deal is with flowers sorry)
- keeping December 8 on your calendar as the date Gideon passed through me into the world even though he already passed away- that is the day we're going with- sending a card or text or something on that day in future years to remember him with us
- being especially sensitive to me right now for a while, on every big holiday, on Mother's Day, Father's Day and his due date June 18
- realizing anything and everything can trigger a breakdown, letting that happen/accepting it as part of the grieving process

Again, nothing against anyone please don't take this personally. It's about me and my grieving process. It's normal, it's natural, it's ok. I just need to feel accepted and loved and cared about right now. J too. I know in time we'll/I'll get over this but right now it's harder than I ever imagined it to be. Thank you more than words can say to those who have been supporting us through this.