I don't really know why I'm posting this, I don't know where I'm about to go with this, I just felt the desire to write. So it might be all over the place because it's going to be very raw and unedited, not even thought out as I normally do. I don't know if anyone will even read it, but that's not the point I guess. Writing used to be my release, and I need release... of all this stress, all this tension, all this evil attacking my life.
This is my last pregnancy, my last baby. The pregnancies of my boys went so well as far as the pregnancy itself. There was a lot of stress in both, more for Joshua, but I got through it no problem. Of course I had hoped, and actually probably expected, this pregnancy wouldn't be any different. Instead it's been so extremely different, so difficult, in so many ways. And it all went downhill since finding out the gender. I actually had a feeling that because it was a girl, the devil was going to attack hard, HARD. He wasn't going to let me experience the joy I desired in this. He wasn't going to let my last pregnancy be blissful, enjoyable, peaceful or anything positive. And that's exactly what has happened.
I am 41 weeks tomorrow. I'm on the clock and feeling so much pressure. And that delays labor. You know what else delays labor? Stress. And the amount of stress upon me has been astronomical. Let me just mention *some* of the things that have happened just over the last several months, all since finding out this was a girl-
septic problems, plumbing problems, mold problems, car problems, multiple sicknesses, stepfamily stuff, conflicts and attacks from others, being jolted in the car with horrible back pain that I couldn’t even move after, leading to abdominal pain and bleeding scaring me about baby, another back episode, J losing his credit card, my credit card number somehow being stolen... I'm sure there is much much more... but then just over the past month all the following...
My mom came to stay with us in order to watch the boys when I go into labor. The plan was to keep the boys home from their preschool program to try to avoid sickness as much as possible. The plan was also for me to rest as much as possible, relax (in order for my body to even go into labor), while my mom helped out a lot. I'm now angry at myself I didn't pull them out sooner. Only days into her being here, at nearly 38 weeks pregnant, Z got horribly sick, and I mean horribly. He had 105 fever overnight, throwing up, shaking. I really didn't know what to do and called 911. The paramedics came and said there is a virus going around just like this. The next day he was no better, and miserable, and so we had to take him to the ER, the first time either of my kids ever had to do so. That night and days ahead were filled with nonstop cleaning, washing sheets and clothing and towels, caring for him. At the end of the week he was improving... just in time for my mom to then get sick. So instead of getting a break, I was actually doing more, way more... because typically the kids weren't home during the day but now they were, and getting over sickness, and my mom sick. More cooking, more cleaning, more of everything. Please don't take this as a complaint or asking for sympathy, I'm not. I'm stating facts and sharing my feelings of how incredibly difficult this has been. About a week later, my mom started feeling better. Oh but now what... Joshua has a rash all over his leg that we thought was bug bites now developing into something nasty. Of course that was over the holiday weekend so there was no way to reach a doctor about it for days. In the mean time, I used manuka honey and covered it. Then when they opened, we took him to the doctor and they cultured it. We found out he has impetigo and staph. On antibiotics. One day later, Z caught it. On antibiotics. Highly, highly contagious, now 40 weeks pregnant. More cleaning, everything, repeatedly, so much. And then my having to change their bandages... sounds like no big deal, but at 40 weeks pregnant plus normal health issues, doing that was absolutely beyond exhausting. This is going to sound ridiculous but changing those multiple bandages, putting on ointment, all over Joshua's body and a few spots on Z, then disinfecting everything touched in the process, literally made me sweat and made me out of breath. Keeping the kids in long sleeves and pants to avoid spreading it, meaning they can't really play outside in the heat then either. It's starting to improve, but it's still beyond exhausting. Now add in even more stepfamily stuff, absolutely beyond stressful stuff.
And during all of this I had found out baby was breech, head up. My dr wanted to immediately have me go to the hospital and put me on medications and then help manually turn the baby. I just didn't feel right about it, didn't feel a peace about it. Mainly because J's annual eye dr appointment- which already got rescheduled, was the next day, 2 hours away. And he had to go and pass it because there is a time limit for it and if he didn't he would lose his license. I couldn't risk that. I decided I would wait on trying to turn baby, pray, do exercises, and everything possible for baby to turn on her own.
Thankfully 2 positives- J passed his eye test the next day, and a day later I asked Joshua- who seems to have a strong connection to this baby- to tell the baby to turn. He said "Turn around baby, and put your bootie in the air!" That night as I was drifting off to sleep, she turned!! It was the weirdest feeling but such a relief. Thank you Joshua, and mainly, thank you Jesus!
Since then, I accidentally jammed a screwdriver into my nail and then my skin. I got bit by a tick, again, that turned into a bullseye Lyme disease rash, again. I’ve fought off catching all the sickness. And I’ve literally barely slept at all in the past probably 3-4 months.
Oh but now, our fridge AND FREEZER is out. As of yesterday the temperature was around 50. And I noticed it *after* we ate dinner. So now there is not only the risk of food poisoning, when I could go into labor, but we lost everything in our fridge and freezer. We just stocked up on everything so my mom would have everything needed for the boys while I'm having the baby. The fridge repair guys car broke down on the way here. The fan thing is broken. It’ll take a week to get in. A week with no fridge and freezer, while the boys are on refrigerated medication. While at some point I’ll be in the hospital. What is my mom going to cook and how? We got a mini fridge but it’s not meant for much and we already lost it all- hundreds of dollars, if not more, of food, condiments, supplements etc. No insurance won’t cover it and we have a very high deductible. I have a horrible headache, possibly from the guy smelling of smoke which I’m allergic to, possibly from the dust from it all, which I’m also allergic to, possibly pre-e coming on since my blood pressure has been soaring as well. This is seriously insane. The amount of attacks from every direction is INSANE. I am absolutely beyond astonished, stressed, frustrated etc. Unbelievable.
And I haven’t even mentioned til now how with my MG, I’m supposed to AVOID stress. Avoid it. Because it takes you down with MG, and I’m starting to feel that. You know what that could lead to? A diaphragm that fails me, a ventilator. I can’t control it. I’ve had no one to take the brunt of it. It’s on me. So much weight upon me, some of which isn’t even mine to bear, but it’s placed upon me anyways.
Through all of this I have strongly lacked the in person support I feel I need and desire. No one has any idea. It’s insanely hard living away from my family, especially during times such as this. I have been attacked from every angle, every minute, so tangibly. It's horrible. It's horribly hard. I have had to trust in Christ alone, which I should anyways. He has been my sole strength. I think I made a comment one day at lunch something like, "I don't know how I'm surviving." And my mom replied, "I do," and pointed up. Christ alone, that's how. He has proven His strength through my weakness now more than ever before. More than when I was previously cheated on and went through a divorce, more than all the many health problems, more than my surgery, more than my pulmonary embolism in which I felt my life be at risk, more than all of it combined. Right now He is proving His Word is true and He is who He says He is. But He's also showing me to stop relying on anyone else. Now that's seriously hard when it comes to physical stuff- the need for a rest, a break from the kids, cooking, cleaning etc. God's not physically here with me to do all that. Thankfully my mom is, and better, and helping a lot. But it's still way way way more and way harder than I thought.
I am praying this baby comes on her own, in God's timing, before 42 weeks. I don't want to be induced. Being induced comes with more risks, and risk of it leading to c-section- facing that once again. I know a lot of people say a c-section isn't so bad and so on. Those people are not me. My health issues, more than just MG, present a large variety of problems to have a c-section. It's no simple task and definitely no simple recovery... especially without support. My mom will be gone right after baby. My mom in law has to go back to work. I will have no one, especially emotionally in person as needed. And again, Christ alone, but how does that work when I physically wouldn't be able to do anything recovering... with a newborn and 2 very very loud and wild boys needing attention?
It's been absolute insanity. Honestly it's brought me to having a lot of regrets about poor choices I've made along the way to getting here. It's led to a lot of resentment, even hatred. It's led to a lot of horrible feelings because of what I've been dealing with that no one knows of.
I need support. I need prayer. I need Jesus, so so so very much. Just give me Jesus!
Lord, please bring this baby earthside soon, before the need for induction. Please reduce all stressors for my body to be able to go into labor, and my blood pressure reaching near dangerously high due to stress, to go down. Please have everything go as well and smoothly as possible, with as quick and painless of a natural labor and delivery as possible, with a healthy baby and mama, with the support physically, mentally, emotionally and especially spiritually as needed. Please provide for my needs as you know they are, give me rest, give me sleep, bring me peace and less stress. Bring me support where you know I need it. Please help the boys rashes to completely heal, and none of us to catch it. Please keep us all healthy and well today and the days forward. Please please repair our fridge and prevent all of us from getting sick from food or anything else especially right now, before labor, with one bathroom. Please take away my hatred, my resentment, my bitterness, my hard feelings against anyone- honestly including against you Lord. It’s so easy to blame You for not taking these problems away! I feel like Job in the Bible, and then some, all over again just like I felt when I lived in Texas. Please, open the hearts of those who don't yet know Jesus and don't even realize they don't know Jesus- for those with all the head knowledge but not the heart. Break their hearts for what breaks Yours. Lead them to You, to surrender, fully surrender, and submit to You, Christ alone. For You ALONE can fill them. I believe in that, I trust in that. I give my life over to You and ask You to do with it as You please, however hard it is You will be my strength and get me through it. I rebuke the devil, Satan, all evil spirits and demons in the Name of Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior, and the only one who can overcome ALL. It's in Jesus Name I pray, and surrender, Amen.
This is my heart. Please pray with me through this. Thank you.
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