A Topic No One Talks About

If you've dealt with infertility or loss, please stop reading right here. It may trigger feelings that don't need to be resurfaced. For everyone else, please read cautiously and with an open and compassionate heart and mind. Thank you.

It's a topic no one talks about. And I hate even bringing it up. It makes me feel horribly guilty. But you know what, it needs to be talked about. Because what I've found while dealing with this myself is that MANY other women are too- quietly, softly, inside, to themselves, in pain, without support. And not getting that support just makes the issue so much worse.

I absolutely hate this term but this is what it's called- gender disappointment.

For those who don't yet know, I'm sorry you are finding out in this way but- our baby is a boy- a healthy beautiful growing boy. I "knew" our baby was a boy from day 1, honestly. I'll tell that story and a much more positive one next time. But even though I "knew", there was still the possibility that our baby could be a girl, because there was no proof this was a boy other than my feeling about it.

Just over a week ago we went for our anatomy scan. "There's the penis." Yep that's exactly how she said it- it's a body part so don't spaz out over the word use please. :) I turned to J and said "told ya." I couldn't say anything else. I couldn't even try to get any more words out or else I would cry. And cry I did only 10 or so minutes later when we were privately moved to the room to wait for the dr. And then cry I did for the following 3 days. Cry is an understatement. I was an absolute mess. My heart hurt worse than it ever did- legitimately worse than going through divorce. That's a lot of hurt.

I wasn't crying over our healthy baby boy. We've been blessed with a child and I'm incredibly thankful for that. I will love him. But I cried over my dreams being shattered. You see what I realized at that moment was when I dreamed about having a baby, what I really dreamed about was specifically having a baby girl. I would never day dream about playing trucks and dirt. I dreamed about barbies, dolls, pink, dress up, fixing her hair, getting ready for school dances, and planning a wedding together. I dreamed about a daughter. But now those dreams were shattered, no more. And before I could celebrate our boy I had to grieve the loss of a dream of a girl. And that's been a very painful legitimate process.

There's a whole other part to this, a part that only exists in step families. J has a daughter. Now J has a son. And honestly that really brought out jealously and resentment. I truly am happy that he gets to have both- that he gets to have that daddy daughter relationship as well as a father son bond. And it's nice that we do get to experience something new together- becoming parents to a son since he already has a daughter. But my heart REALLY hurts. I don't get that mother daughter bond. I don't get what my heart truly desires while he does. As I've said before and I'll continue to say, having a step daughter is not the same thing in the least bit. She has a mom. She loves her mom. I'm not here to replace her mom. Our relationship is aunt like or friendly at best. I didn't get to experience those precious first 4 years of her life. Yes we can make the best of it, but it will never be the same as having a daughter who sees me as her mom, having that maternal bond no one can take away. It hurts.

My husband has been amazing dealing with me in this. I wish I could thank him in some huge way because he deserves it. He does so much and then puts up with my crazy emotions on top of it. And even though he can't ever understand, he's trying to be there for me the best way he knows how to.

But it's hard when you don't feel you can tell anyone but your husband because it's such a taboo thing to talk about. But like I said before- it's legit and so so many women go through it. I hesitantly brought this up to 2 groups I'm in and the support I received there was amazing. I'm so glad I decided to open up about it. The thing is I have no in person friends to talk about this with. And bringing it up to someone close I was hurt by the reply. If you haven't been there, you just won't get it. Please please please don't tell me or anyone else going through this that we are wrong in feeling this way, please don't deny or invalidate our feelings, please don't say anything hurtful or can be seen as hurtful. Please don't say we can try for a girl next time when there wasn't going to be a next time.

Here's the thing- I have been sad in general lately. My hormones/emotions have been a disaster. When I heard the news of our baby boy it sent my emotions on an insane roller coaster. I'm still very very very sensitive to it. The slightest thing will cause me to cry again. I've asked my husband to please refrain from anything that will upset me during this time. I know that's hard to do and a lot to ask but I ask everyone who knows me to please do the same. For the sake of our baby, I need to try to keep it somewhat together here. But I just wanted to make it known that this is a real thing, and that it is happening to me, and that I'm insanely sensitive right now. I could use the support, prayers and any positive stories about being only a boy mom- I'm scared out of my mind without a clue how to bring up a boy, and that just in of itself, also hurts. I am thankful to be blessed with our son but I'm very much hurting horribly over the daughter I may never have.

Sorry this is so depressing. I have something much more positive to share next time.  God bless.