I'm passionate about writing, but lately I've lost that spark... the spark that ignites an idea into a story. Where did it go? Maybe the same place I did for a short while.
As you know if you've been reading along, I've been battling illness for 3.5 years now. First, the confusion, the brush off of anxiety, the scratch your head and make a face I have no idea what's going on with you so it must be in your head. Next, the circle of specialists, misdiagnosis after misdiagnosis, more medications than I can count which just made me worse. Then, the diagnosis, the relief of an answer, the plan of attack. On to, the surgery, the complication, another diagnosis and a stand still in treatment. Lastly, to where we are now, right where we began. What to do what to do? Nobody knows. Nothing works. So I'll take matters into my own hands, again.
Taking matters into my own hands has two arrows right here. I'll speak of one, for now, the one that relates to losing that spark.
I found out my insurance covers hypnosis. I've pondered trying this for a while. Nothing else has worked, why not try something really outside the box. Of course finding specialists in this are few and far between. Well, I found someone and I had my first appointment 2 weeks ago. I asked if she could please hypnotize me to be healthy. LOL I laughed at the thought but you know the mind-body connection really is something, so who knows. Now before you start thinking the wrong thing, do keep in mind both MG and POTS are real physical disabling conditions. You can't just positive think your way into being healthy. But she spoke of something about the cells in your body and how they change and such... past my understanding, but hey it's worth a try. And so try we did.
I didn't feel like I was hypnotized at the time. Not one bit. I felt like maybe I was drifting off to sleep with someone's voice in the background. Though she explained it's not like the "you are getting sleepy" hypnosis you picture with someone waving something in front of you. It's more of a mindful meditation. When we were driving home I noticed I was pausing in between talking. I gasped "oh my gosh maybe it did work! I remember her saying I would slow down my talking so I don't over-exert myself!" I'm a REALLY fast talker and then I have no breath left to talk at all. So I was like hmmm, ok...
This was right before going on that trip to visit my college. After that trip, about a week after being hypnotized, I looked back and thought "wow, I really did have a bit more energy/strength." Hmmm again...
But then something else happened.
I remembered being hypnotized she told me to think back to when I was healthy, when I had no health problems. Then she said some other things I can't remember I guess basically trying to get me to rewind to that state of being. Something like that.
Well, I think it worked... but I think it worked too well in the wrong way. Along with feeling like I had a bit more energy, just slightly closer to old me physically, old me came back in more ways than one.
When I say "old me" and "new me" I mean old me as in pre-June/July of last year and new me as in after that time onward. I say this because of the spiritual transformation which you may read more about on my other blog. "New me" is a much better person I think. New me is a Christian and striving to "walk the walk" and not just "talk the talk." New me knows God. Old me was healthy and energetic and not a bad person, but, I didn't know God.
So I thought, perhaps the hypnosis brought me back to old me but not in the way I wanted. Perhaps it brought me back mentally but barely physically. For a few days, I felt I completely lost my connection with God. It was a loss I've never felt before. I've spoken of so much that I've lost with people being the hardest loss. This was even greater. I felt the biggest part of me was gone.
I called out God where are you I need you, I can't do this alone! And then I realized, all this time... I've been asking God if He could please give me back my health, give me back the relationships lost, give me back this and that which has all come tumbling down atop me. But I wasn't doing as much as I should have been of "praising in the storm." I wasn't thanking Him for standing with me through the storm! I think He stepped aside for a few days to both remind me to value what I have, including Him, and more importantly to glorify Him in all good that I do because clearly He is my strength! Once I realized this, He returned! New me is back! Thank you God! He never actually left, He is always here with us, but I couldn't feel His presence for a couple days which seemed like eternity without Him! Well, along with His return came the worsening of my symptoms again. But it's ok.
I am going to see her again and try hypnosis again. I'm guessing it's not really a one time thing. But I'm going to tell her what happened and hope we can figure out a way to keep it from happening again. I still VERY much want to be healthy and more than that want not to lose relationships in my life. However, what this has made me realize is something I never thought about before... I'd rather be unhealthy and have God than healthy and without Him. Hopefully I don't have to choose one or the other, but what I will choose is making certain I keep Him first for I know He will bless me if I do.
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:6
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Matthew 6:33
Next time, I will speak of that other arrow... the other way I am taking matters into my own hands... and God's hands of course.
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