Medication Inclination

I have this internal/external battle going on, not sure what to call it but I'll describe it.

If you read my most recent posts you know I am to start on beta blockers/heart medication. You also know that doing this may cause a drop in blood pressure when mine already drops super low. More concerning the fact that beta blockers are on the "be cautious with" list that can bring on crisis ie respiratory failure with MG. I was supposed to start this past Monday but the pharmacy did not have it in stock on Friday so I couldn't pick it up until Monday. Since the dr wants me taking it in the morning with breakfast I was then going to start it Tuesday. I decided in the mean time of waiting I would ask my doctor to make certain he knew how low my blood pressure drops, since I'm a new patient of his and he doesn't have those drops on file. It was over the weekend so I sent a message through My Chart. It showed that it was read on Sunday but no response. It says give 2 business days so I waited until Wednesday and called and left a message. Thursday morning I received a call that the power was out so they are behind. I said I was just calling to follow up on the message in My Chart. The nurse said he responded to it right away and read his reply to me. Odd it never came through and I still can't see the message he sent me. But he does want me to start this medication, on a low dose, and see how I do with it. Because of the risks involved, he again wants me to wait again until Monday- that way doctors are more readily available. So that means I have 3 more days until starting this medication.

Here's the thing. I've been concerned about this since before it was even prescribed, because I was guessing this is what he would first want to start with and I was correct. Well with the extra delay in starting I have this huge feeling within me telling me not to take this medication. I've had that feeling before and I disregarded it and the medication caused me trouble. I want to listen to the voice within but at the same time I don't want to distrust this doctor. We are new to one another and I would like to establish/build a solid doctor patient relationship. So I don't know what to do.

This goes even deeper though. Lately I've come across readings about God's healing power. It's something I do believe in. But at this point, it's even more than belief, it's wanting to allow God His power with no obstacles in the way, ie medication. Is this dumb? Not listening to the doctor, not taking medication readily available to help with the healing process... I don't know. I really don't know. And I don't know what to do. I'll probably end up taking the medication and keep praying to God that it doesn't harm me. But then I hear the voice right back saying then don't take it in the first place. Doctor vs. God. Obvious choice is God. But of course then there is what you can see and what you can't see. That's where faith comes in.

I believe in the deepest of my heart that I can be healed by God. Piece by piece I've been attempting at my very best to give myself to Him. This is one part of me I've never really given to Him. I have these earrings that have a mustard seed in them. Sounds weird, but think Scripture. "Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20 This is the growth of my faith. And yet I still can't entirely let go because these worldly things, such as doctors (said with utmost respect for this one) with medications, stand in my way.

And so I've asked, God if you do not want me to take this medication, please not only make sure I know this but make sure my doctor knows this. Be the voice unto my doctor that is like a lightbulb going off in his head and let him know instead what you want me to do. Please make sure he knows this and lets me know this prior to my having to start the medication this coming Monday. In addition, give me the knowledge in words and actions in how to discuss this with my doctor to come to mutual agreement on treatment. Is this too much to ask? Nothing is too big for God. My trust is in Him and one way or another He will carry me through this.

Another mish mosh of thoughts that haven't been sorted through before shooting them out to the world. God says write, I write. God says don't take that medicine, I don't always listen. Something I need to work on. Giving my body over to Christ, not just my mind, heart and soul. Though if I entirely gave my heart, mind and soul to Christ, my body would also be given. So truly I have not reached the point of turning myself fully over to God. God needs all of me to truly restore me. That has always been my prayer for everyone else, to give themselves fully to Christ, but I think I need the same prayer. Let no part of me follow worldly ways, rather transform me fully into a follower of Christ Jesus.


Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:1-2