I'm not sure

Last week was rough, really rough for multiple reasons. But oddly enough, my MG symptoms seemed so fairly under control. I thought to myself, could my MG be in remission (everything currently being POTS)?? I wanted to post or blog about it. But something told me, don't say anything until Monday. Monday came, and symptoms returned. Well, that was weird.

Today, my body is SO weak... muscle weak. I'm forcing myself to type this out while laying in bed with my laptop sitting on top of me. If you read back to my original story where when I was given Bactrim I felt like my body was completely going on me which resulted in a trip to the ER and hospital stay of 2 weeks (the shortest stay so far which is crazy)... that's what I felt like this morning. Eating has become a struggle because my digestive system is currently under attack by POTS. But I need to eat to have any energy. It's a vicious cycle. My body was saying you won't make it. But God was saying, yes you will! I hung on. I laid down and did nothing, stayed as still as I could to give my body complete rest. And now, I'm feeling a bit better...not good, not able to do anything, but better enough to avoid that trip to the ER.

Where was I going with this? Uggh. Brainfog. I don't remember. So... how bout this...

Yesterday or today, I can't even remember, I read or heard on tv, can't remember that either... God made us human. God made all of us human. He gave us all gifts, strengths. He made us carpenters, teachers, event planners... doctors. He made doctors. HE made doctors. I recently on this blog or the other talked about how I don't want medication I want to be healed by God. But this message hit me like a brick. If God created everything and everyone, then He can heal through people and medications and treatments.

This might be too intense for some, so take caution as you read ahead. I've thought to myself before, if I don't take treatment am I in a way bringing forth my own death? Because if treatment is available and I'm saying no, well what does that add up to? I'm really not sure. So it was such the dilemma. Take medication, don't take medication? Is it to help or to harm? It gives me so many side effects, I hate it most of the time. Maybe God will heal me through His miraculous power alone. Or maybe God will heal me through doctors, treatments and medications. I don't know. So I guess I can't place myself in the position of thinking I know and avoiding one making the assumption it will be the other. But still I am faced with the decision when each new medication is prescribed- take it or don't? Discuss other options with my doctor?

I pray about it, all the time. And to be completely honest sometimes I get just so aggravated. Why can't You make it clear to me God?? Why can't You spell out what You want me to do not only with this but with everything? Why do I have to go through all of this? When will it get better? Will it get better?? I cry out like I'm hoping to hear a verbal response in return. But I'm not God, I don't know those answers. And I have to keep the faith that He does know the answers and has very good reason for everything I'm going through and have faith that it will get better.

God wants to be the center of our lives, and He should be. So back to over the weekend, I cried out to Him again, I'm done, it's all up to You now. I don't know what I was expecting. What I was hoping was everything would suddenly turn for the better. But it's on God's time and I don't know what God's time is. So I must endure these trials I go through, doing my best, and pushing forth in the way I feel God wants me to. Hoping, praying and having faith that in time, things will improve. And when they do, I will attribute it ALL, all the glory, to God... whether it be through miraculous healing or doctors and medication. God, You are in control. The Glory goes up to You, Lord.

Well, I don't know where that came from, but that's what I've got for now. Please give God a chance if you haven't already... He's given YOU everything. God bless you.

ps. I posted another blog right before this on the MG walk fundraiser I'm participating in. If you could be ever so kind to donate, it would be MUCH appreciated. Just click on the link in the previous blog post. Thank you for supporting the Fight Against MG!!