Eliahna's birth story Part 2

If you didn't already read her actual birth story, start there. Those are the good parts.

I said I'd write more. I'm finally getting the chance to. 

So, the not so good parts about her birth story... Well, the hands off was really hands off. I know it's because of not enough nurses on duty but I had to wait a long while quite a few times. We were there several nights, and one night that I really needed sleep I asked for her to go to the nursery because she was waking every 30 minutes, literally. They took her, then brought her back to me saying they had no one to work the nursery at the moment and would come get her when they did. That was over 4 hours later. From prior to midnight until after 4am I was awake with Eliahna the whole time. Then of course at 6am someone comes in to check on me, so I really got no sleep. It's really frustrating because the nursery is there to care for the babies, yet there was no one available to care for the babies. Real nice. 

Edited to add this- I can’t believe I forgot this part. This was the worst part!! When they brought my baby back to me she REAKED of a perfumey smell! They either fully bathed her or at least washed her hair… when I clearly said NO baths! I was devastated! Not only because that means I didn’t give my baby, my last baby, her first bath, but much more so because it took away her new baby smell! The very smell that bonds a mama and baby, the smell that brings on those feel good hormones. To not have that at a day or two old was absolutely devastating. And I was angry. It was the one nurse I didn’t like- the one who was loud and obnoxious and forceful. The rest were pretty good but there is always that one, the one you hope you don’t get. To take that away from me with my last baby was so so sad. The smell came back a little bit, but not nearly to what it was. That’s something you can’t get back and it broke my heart as silly as it may sound. I longed for that bonding smell with her. 😭

The food was much to be desired. Not just the way it tasted. The last time I had a baby at this same hospital, they brought J and I a big table full of a special meal, even sparkling juice, for our after birth celebratory meal. This time they still brought a meal for J and I but it was just a typical hospital meal, nothing at all special. So I missed that because it was nice last time. In addition to that, the caf wasn't open at all during dinner or any meal on the weekends. We just so happened to be there over the weekend. So we had to order out a LOT. Thankfully there was door dash and stuff but that adds up fast! Hospital food isn't tasty but it's cheap and convenient.. yet that wasn't an option.

Overall, it very much went downhill there since I had Z. 

Afterwards, getting home, we had family here for only the first week. After only 1 week postpartum, then it was like sink or swim. I think we sank. A mom is supposed to rest at least the first 2 weeks after having a baby. I didn't get that luxury and I honestly was not so happy about it. Yes family helped for sure. But with 2 other kids and family visiting, I was doing just as much if not more than usual. I personally like no visitors at first but that’s not exactly possible to have help and no visitors when you have no local family. I was overwhelmed, as I’ve been after birth with visitors so soon here. It’s a no win situation for an introvert with no local family. I at least got an afternoon of just J and I and Eliahna. Honestly I needed 2 weeks of that… Then when family left, oh my goodness. The boys got their rashes AGAIN as soon as they went back to their preschool program. This was a disaster. What this meant was when J went to go pick them up, I would of course be caring for E. When the boys got home I would cook dinner plus care for E while he bathed them. Then I had to go put ointment on and bandage their rashes. This literally took an hour- an hour of muscle usage wrapping bandages for me takes me down fast. As us 2 juggled the 3 kids, all needing us at once. Then I'm trying to get dinner plated while still juggling all the above, then rush through my own meal to care for everyone else. Trying to balance bedtime nursing E but reading to the boys, with all of them seeming to want to go to bed at the same time. Then leading into the night...

Z has been a nightmare with sleep. He is SO attached to J that J has had to sleep with him overnight, not with me, not being available to me with E. We tried sleeping in the same room, Z in his own room that first week after family left. Z would start screaming at the top of his lungs when he woke up. So then I would wake not only for E but also Z. J would try to get Z back to sleep while I stayed awake with insomnia after I woke up. Joshua would also then be woken up. It was a nightmare. Finally I said just go sleep with Z because I can't handle this. So that's what happened meaning I cared for E all night and J had the boys if they woke up. It's still like that. Biggest problem is with my neuro muscular disease, lifting her over and over, caring for her literally around the clock 24-7 with little to no help IS. NOT. FEASIBLE. It's not a matter of "oh you can do this." Or "God's got this." Ok great, but I quite literally have a condition that puts me at risk using my muscles for hours on end without a true break. No one seems to get that unless they have what I have. Even then, most have family help, I don't locally at all. It's not that it's hard, I can do hard. It's that it's not possible under such circumstances to keep it up without me further declining or being useless to everyone.

Joshua also reverted back to trying to get into the kitchen every chance he has and eating whatever he can get his hands on. He breaks through baby gates and locks. It’s been insane.

Thankfully, after their preschool mowed, the rashes went away. I believe it was bugs in the tall grass biting them then when they scratched it got infected. Then just this past week E started sleeping through the night after we took her to a massage therapist. 4 out of the past 7 nights she slept til at least 4am without getting up overnight. That's wonderful! If I can at least get 5-7 hours of sleep I call it good. If I wake in the middle of the night, I can't fall back asleeep. If I don't get woken, I can sleep fairly well. So this is a huge help to me and I hope and pray it keeps up. But she's 8 weeks old now. It took nearly 8 weeks to get to this point. 8 weeks is the full amount of time I myself specifically am supposed to rest and take a break. HA HA HA- no break at all. It's a miracle I'm surviving, for real.

On top of that, E has a dairy allergy, a true allergy not a sensitivity. But she's also sensitive to soy and eggs. So I've been trying to navigate cutting out all 3 in my own diet. That's been the easier part even though not easy at all. The harder part about is has been the extreme judgement. I can't even believe it. People can be so cruel. Maybe they mean well, maybe not. But the number of people who have practically attacked me one way or another saying it's not an allergy (ok you barely know me or don't know me, haven't even met my baby, but please keep telling me this which is not helpful) or telling me do NOT under any circumstances resort to formula. Good grief. I know cutting out dairy, soy and eggs is HARD. I also know using formula is not easy. BOTH are expensive! There is no better or good option here. I have to do whatever I have to do to feed my baby. She was miserable. And no one considers how I feel in any of this. To feel like I can't even provide milk for my own baby, it's heart wrenching. Really. It's emotionally painful. I'm doing my best here. Since cutting it completely, I had a few mistakes with the soy and eggs, but for the most part we've had zero rashes, zero projectile vomits, only a little mucus and a little itching. It's hard for my family as well. I know J is sick of the same basic meals. I know the kids want to go out to eat once and a while. But navigating a food allergy when eating out is very difficult, on top of the challenge of adjusting to 3 kids 4 and under. I'm not complaining, I'm speaking the truth. 

So travel is pretty much off the table for now. I can only handle so much and I don't need to apologize for mine or my baby's needs in that. I just get very frustrated so many people in this world seem to have expectations and judgements on others when they don't even fully comprehend their situation thereby making it even harder than it needs to be on them, instead of being supportive and loving as we all should.

Anyways, given all we've had to handle on our own, I think I'm doing pretty darn well emotionally. However, the biggest emotion is frustration as I’m sure you can tell. It's so so hard not having family or close friends here. Especially now with 3 kids just occasionally wanting a break and not being able to get it. I do have the sin of envy of those who have grandparents or others nearby who they can send the kids to for a night or weekend, who get to go out on an actual date kid free, who get delivered all the meals from a big church or lots of local friends. It's so hard not having that. It makes me frustrated, sad, upset we don't have that. It makes me upset my kids don't have that. And there is so much more to it but I'll stop there.

I'll continue with the point of explaining why I'm also frustrated when people say move. I don't think people understand or care to believe the complexity of our situation. The reason this works here right now is because we have a house to live in and J's job allows him flexibility to help with the kids and home while I also help with his work stuff. We cannot afford another home rent or buy in this market. He cannot take on a second job because I truly need the help with the kids and home. I cannot take E out alone because I can't physically lift her baby carrier with her in it and I can't baby wear to carry her around without the carrier into the stroller. I cannot take the 2 boys out alone because well, they are a bit crazy. This is life with chronic illness whether people like it or not. Furthermore I tried to get us out of this situation years ago and well obviously things did not go the way I tried to get them to go, I should say the way I felt God lead us to go. Anyways. So this is what it is and that brings frustration also. 

Furthermore again, moving away isn't as easy as some people seem to think it is. J cannot drive in any state any of our family lives. J not driving means I have to drive literally everywhere. That uses muscle. Thinking about the day to day of life... when we have to take the kids to an appt I can't both drive one of the boys but also have E to nurse her. J would need to be with me for that to happen. J usually takes the kids to appts or all of us for that reason right now. Things like quick errands or driving the kids to and from school. It all adds up for me. If you add in all the driving completely on me, how would I be able to also manage the kids and home. Doing all the driving, so all the shopping, every appointment, every single errand, possibily driving him to and from a job if it wasn’t living right here, driving the kids to and from school, etc etc. I wouldn't. I couldn’t. Especially if you add on top of that a job where J didn't have the flexibility he has now. Even if family helped they aren’t going to drive us literally everywhere every single day. Maybe down the road when the kids are older and can handle more themselves, then yes maybe I can do it. But not now, not at this stage, it’s not possible for me to do even more than I’m already doing. Again think about me what you will but I’ve adapted to the life I’ve been given and it’s manageable… WHEN things are adjusted to how I need them to make it feasible. Otherwise I simply cannot do it. 

There is further complexity to this I won't explain here. Then of course the income having to work out, enough to afford a home, etc. etc. Things people aren't really thinking of. Just up and buying or renting a place we cannot afford would be flat out stupid. Sorry but it's true. There is so much complexity to this. I wait on God's lead. I tried to before but it didn't happen... and now I feel, stuck, waiting on God to lead again. We are here for now and for the unseeable future because that is where God placed us. We are here for a reason. And we truly are blessed to be here even though it's frustrating not having family and such. 

I know this sounds like one big complaint post. Whatever you think, go for it. I'm just being real. People don't like me for it, fine. This is who I am. I shared the good last time, I'm sharing the not so good this time. Because that is what life is. It's not all carebears and cupcakes and I don't support anyone who acts like it is. I also don't support dismissing people's feelings. Feelings and emotions are real. Ignoring them, dismissing them, telling someone others have it worse, or focus on the positive (aka being dismissive not acknowledging) does. not. help. What helps is listening, hearing, trying to understand, validating, empathizing, and being supportive or helpful in any way you can.

So if anyone is actually reading and still with me here, I'm going to create a third post... because I can't right now. I’ve been writing this on and off throughout the day but it’s the end of the day and Eliahna is crying to be picked up. Stay tuned for ways you can maybe help. We'd be grateful. Thank you.

Again if there are errors, I'm sorry. I don't have time to edit right now. Thanks for reading.

Eliahna's Birth Story

Well, here we are over 3 weeks after her birth, and I'm finally here to say she arrived! I've written a birth story for both of the boys so I had to for her as well, only I've not had any time to do so until now... and that's only because we got our broken swing fixed so I can now set her down while she naps! Hoping the boys stay content while I write this.

As has always been the case, I had been nervous she would arrive early, so we had my mom come early just in case so we would have someone here for the boys. But then stressor after stressor pure insanity happened, much of what I wrote about last time, and I guarantee that delayed labor. 41 weeks rolled around and still no baby. My doctor said I really couldn't/shouldn't go past 42 weeks so induction was set for exactly 42 weeks if I didn't go into labor. I tried everything I felt I safely could because induction or c-section was the absolute last thing I wanted, but stress continued and my body just wasn't ready to do this.

Finally at 41 weeks and 6 days... actually the night before that at 8pm, I started getting contractions. Well, I should say I started going into labor. Because I had contractions for weeks and weeks before this just nothing getting stronger. So 8pm early labor started and eventually I was able to dose off for a couple hours, only to wake up around 1am with the contractions stronger. At that point I didn't fall back asleep even though I tried. Around 5am I knew baby was going to come along soon. I was awake by myself and got ready, finished packing my bags and laid on the couch through the contractions. Around 7am I went to see J and Z who were waking up and I told J I'd been having contractions. I said let's give the boys a normal morning with breakfast and then do baths and go from there (because we were still dealing with the staph rashes I had to keep bandaging and I wanted to avoid my mom having to deal with that with both of them alone). We did all that and when I was in the middle of something contractions weren't too bad, but if I wasn't doing anything I could definitely feel them. I wanted to stay home as long as possible for our boys. I was very concerned leaving Z for the first time with as absolutely attached he is to J. It was almost lunch time and I asked my mom to pick something up so I could be full going into this. While she was gone I was like, yeah we probably need to go soon. But she returned, I ate, and I said ok let's do nap time to give the boys a little more time with us here, I'll be fine. So we did nap time. During nap time, I thought I really should get going soon. They were definitely getting painful- for hours now I was having to stop and close my eyes and breathe through them. So the boys woke up, we said goodbye, and headed out on the hour drive there. By then I think contractions were about 3-4 minutes apart and hurting pretty bad.

When we got to the hospital, for the first time in all 3 births I lost it a bit. I don't know if it was because this was going to be my last time doing this, or because I was finally getting my baby girl, or because I was scared the pain I was going to have to go through, or fearing baby would be too big and I'd need a c-section after all... probably all the above hitting me at once. We got to the nurses station and I was crying and she asked "Is this your first baby?" I then laughed and said "No, it will be my third born, not sure why I'm like this..." But at that moment I felt like a new mom all over again... a new room to labor and birth in, new nurses, even a new doula this time around because mine wasn't doing that anymore. 

At first I got nervous, the nurse seemed pushy talking about putting monitors on me and having me sign certain papers and such. But oddly enough as soon as I gave her my birth plan, she completely backed off. Maybe it was my birth plan or who she saw I had for my doctor (the most natural minded around who many natural minded mamas drive hours just to see so everyone knows that) but everything changed then and it was hands off. In fact it was SO hands off through the process I was shocked and at times myself even had to ask for a few things. Anyways, I was 6 cm dialated when I got to the hospital... yay! In the past I got there when I was only 3-4 so I was glad to have already gotten through some of it from home. Shortly after my doula arrive and things really started to rev up in pain. 

This was absolutely my most vocal labor... like screaming, pretty sure I didn't do that before. It's so odd how every labor and delivery is so different. With JJ, I had horrible back labor and needed pressure applied to my lower back so much that I had bruises. I also tried many positions and the labor tub. With Z, I had to look J in the eye for some reason and that helped. This time I didn't want anyone to touch me, I was much more emotional and much more vocal as well. 

Then I knew I was in transition. At that point I couldn't talk, I was out of energy, I said I couldn't do this anymore. Every time you say you can't do this anymore, that's when you know you hit transition... the time has almost come! I just kept telling myself in my head that, she's almost here! It's almost over! You can do this... actually no, God can do this through you, and I said that one out loud.

My absolute favorite part of labor (is there a favorite part of being in the worst intense pain in your life?!) was when I said "I didn't even open my bible yet! I need to!" Because I did that with each one. Being in such pain and a bit out of it, one of my doulas (my doula kindly brought her backup also) asked if I wanted her to read it to me. Yes. That moment, me on the bed face down over pillows, J hand on my back rubbing it and her reading to me... it was special, it was beautiful, it was my moment. And my other doula took a picture I will cherish forever.

Eventually I said ok to getting checked again and I was 9 cm. I said to the dr, you had me push at 8 cm last time, can I not do that again? He said I could push whenever I feel the need to. I was like "Really?! Because I felt the need to a long time ago!" Again.. feeling like a new mom clueless all over again. But he sat there and I kept saying I know you know I'm not ready because you're not ready and the table with all the stuff isn't even in here. Haha I'm a bit too perceptive even in immense pain. So he said "Ok, I'll get the table, does that make you feel better?" 

So there is this time in between transition and pushing where everything tends to pause. At that time I was joking around. I can't remember what but I know I kept saying probably ridiculous things and questioning my dr in joking ways. Those were good moments also. Then the table came in but it wasn't until my doula pointed out he was getting suited up that I knew it was for real. And I probably lost it again... I don't want to go through this, but she's almost here... but this is my last time. Such bitter sweet moments. 

With JJ I had literally 3-4 hours of pushing, it was horrible. With Z it was about 1-2. Here we were, I asked if it would be soon. One said yes, the other said it could be hours. My dr said it's up to you and how much you could push. I said "Remember I have myasthenia and it's so hard for me to do this. Can you help?" I said every time I wasn't going to have assistance but every time when I got to this point beyond exhausted, I agreed to it. This time I asked for it. It was only about 5-10 minutes later, 5-10 minutes of pushing and she was here! Let me tell you THAT was THE most painful delivery of them all. Oh. My. Goodness. I worried she was going to be like 12 lbs. The head was bad but the shoulders... oh the shoulders... I knew it was shoulders without looking or anyone telling me. Wow. July 21st, 7:09 pm just hours short of being induced at 42 weeks! My last baby arrived naturally and another prayer was answered. 

She was placed on my chest and I did it! It was over! Again what did I do? I looked... I looked and laughed and maybe cried I don't even remember, and I said "It's actually a girl!" I was still in disbelief but there she was. She was screaming! That actually scared me. JJ came out pretty silent and needed pumped because breathing issues. Z I think cried only a little. This baby wow, she was a screamer. She reminded me of what my parents said I was... I made myself known once I was out, and she did as well! She was here and she wanted the whole world to know it! But because that never happened to me before I kept asking if she was ok. They assured me this was in fact normal and a good thing, she was breathing well and doing well. 

Then another shock was she just continued to lay there on me. I know the first 1-2 hours baby should remain on mama but with the boys JJ had to come off of me immediately to get pumped to breathe and I was absolutely out of it sick, and with Z they took him very shortly after just to put a diaper on and weigh and measure. She stayed on me. And in the process she pooped on me... and pooped again... and again. What on earth. I was like is anyone going to take her off of me at some point and clean us up here?! 

Finally they took her and got everything cleaned up so I could finally eat as well. She weighed in at 9 lbs 11 oz... we like to say she was actually over 10 lbs before all that poop came out. 😂 And she was 21.5 inches long.

Now the name, oh the name. Ok so before we knew gender, two names stood out to me- the girl name had to be a God thing because I don't even know if I had ever heard it before. It was Ezra for a boy (though if it was a boy I actually wanted Elijah instead)... but Ezra means "Lord, help" and we were certainly going to need it. And Eliahna for a girl. When I went through my list of names, I was shocked J actually liked that one. And there was no other girl name we could agree on. That one felt what God wanted. But I struggled with this one, not because of the name but because of the spelling. I literally had about 20 different ways to spell it. I didn't want it to be spelled Ellie at the beginning because I didn't want that to be her nickname. I didn't want it to be spelled the traditional way of Eliana because I read about girls then accidentally being called Elaina. The way we spelled it was the one I just kept coming back to. Besides all our kids have an h in their name, so it only makes sense right? Sure. Eliahna it is. Pronounced Ellie AH nuh. Name means "God has answered." And that he has. My girl is finally here and worth the wait. And so many prayers answered in the process during the pregnancy and delivery. Thank you Jesus for this gift of life who is finally here!

I have so much else to say but I'm going to leave this here in being a positive post, and because I need to attend to the kids, and I'll come back hopefully soon to add another post- of the issues, the struggles, the needs and more. Please come back to read it! Thank you for your prayer through this difficult pregnancy and for rejoicing with us that she is safely here! Please continue prayer for us for so many reasons. Through it all, through the trials, through the pain, and through the joy, I praise Him!

PS. I don't have time to edit before posting this so sorry for any errors! Will come back later to do that.

Spiritual Attack- In desperate need of much prayer

 I don't really know why I'm posting this, I don't know where I'm about to go with this, I just felt the desire to write. So it might be all over the place because it's going to be very raw and unedited, not even thought out as I normally do. I don't know if anyone will even read it, but that's not the point I guess. Writing used to be my release, and I need release... of all this stress, all this tension, all this evil attacking my life.

This is my last pregnancy, my last baby. The pregnancies of my boys went so well as far as the pregnancy itself. There was a lot of stress in both, more for Joshua, but I got through it no problem. Of course I had hoped, and actually probably expected, this pregnancy wouldn't be any different. Instead it's been so extremely different, so difficult, in so many ways. And it all went downhill since finding out the gender. I actually had a feeling that because it was a girl, the devil was going to attack hard, HARD. He wasn't going to let me experience the joy I desired in this. He wasn't going to let my last pregnancy be blissful, enjoyable, peaceful or anything positive. And that's exactly what has happened.

I am 41 weeks tomorrow. I'm on the clock and feeling so much pressure. And that delays labor. You know what else delays labor? Stress. And the amount of stress upon me has been astronomical. Let me just mention *some* of the things that have happened just over the last several months, all since finding out this was a girl- 

septic problems, plumbing problems, mold problems, car problems, multiple sicknesses, stepfamily stuff, conflicts and attacks from others, being jolted in the car with horrible back pain that I couldn’t even move after, leading to abdominal pain and bleeding scaring me about baby, another back episode, J losing his credit card, my credit card number somehow being stolen... I'm sure there is much much more... but then just over the past month all the following...

My mom came to stay with us in order to watch the boys when I go into labor. The plan was to keep the boys home from their preschool program to try to avoid sickness as much as possible. The plan was also for me to rest as much as possible, relax (in order for my body to even go into labor), while my mom helped out a lot. I'm now angry at myself I didn't pull them out sooner. Only days into her being here, at nearly 38 weeks pregnant, Z got horribly sick, and I mean horribly. He had 105 fever overnight, throwing up, shaking. I really didn't know what to do and called 911. The paramedics came and said there is a virus going around just like this. The next day he was no better, and miserable, and so we had to take him to the ER, the first time either of my kids ever had to do so. That night and days ahead were filled with nonstop cleaning, washing sheets and clothing and towels, caring for him. At the end of the week he was improving... just in time for my mom to then get sick. So instead of getting a break, I was actually doing more, way more... because typically the kids weren't home during the day but now they were, and getting over sickness, and my mom sick. More cooking, more cleaning, more of everything. Please don't take this as a complaint or asking for sympathy, I'm not. I'm stating facts and sharing my feelings of how incredibly difficult this has been. About a week later, my mom started feeling better. Oh but now what... Joshua has a rash all over his leg that we thought was bug bites now developing into something nasty. Of course that was over the holiday weekend so there was no way to reach a doctor about it for days. In the mean time, I used manuka honey and covered it. Then when they opened, we took him to the doctor and they cultured it. We found out he has impetigo and staph. On antibiotics. One day later, Z caught it. On antibiotics. Highly, highly contagious, now 40 weeks pregnant. More cleaning, everything, repeatedly, so much. And then my having to change their bandages... sounds like no big deal, but at 40 weeks pregnant plus normal health issues, doing that was absolutely beyond exhausting. This is going to sound ridiculous but changing those multiple bandages, putting on ointment, all over Joshua's body and a few spots on Z, then disinfecting everything touched in the process, literally made me sweat and made me out of breath. Keeping the kids in long sleeves and pants to avoid spreading it, meaning they can't really play outside in the heat then either. It's starting to improve, but it's still beyond exhausting. Now add in even more stepfamily stuff, absolutely beyond stressful stuff. 

And during all of this I had found out baby was breech, head up. My dr wanted to immediately have me go to the hospital and put me on medications and then help manually turn the baby. I just didn't feel right about it, didn't feel a peace about it. Mainly because J's annual eye dr appointment- which already got rescheduled, was the next day, 2 hours away. And he had to go and pass it because there is a time limit for it and if he didn't he would lose his license. I couldn't risk that. I decided I would wait on trying to turn baby, pray, do exercises, and everything possible for baby to turn on her own. 

Thankfully 2 positives- J passed his eye test the next day, and a day later I asked Joshua- who seems to have a strong connection to this baby- to tell the baby to turn. He said "Turn around baby, and put your bootie in the air!" That night as I was drifting off to sleep, she turned!! It was the weirdest feeling but such a relief. Thank you Joshua, and mainly, thank you Jesus!

Since then, I accidentally jammed a screwdriver into my nail and then my skin. I got bit by a tick, again, that turned into a bullseye Lyme disease rash, again. I’ve fought off catching all the sickness. And I’ve literally barely slept at all in the past probably 3-4 months.

Oh but now, our fridge AND FREEZER is out. As of yesterday the temperature was around 50. And I noticed it *after* we ate dinner. So now there is not only the risk of food poisoning, when I could go into labor, but we lost everything in our fridge and freezer. We just stocked up on everything so my mom would have everything needed for the boys while I'm having the baby. The fridge repair guys car broke down on the way here. The fan thing is broken. It’ll take a week to get in. A week with no fridge and freezer, while the boys are on refrigerated medication. While at some point I’ll be in the hospital. What is my mom going to cook and how? We got a mini fridge but it’s not meant for much and we already lost it all- hundreds of dollars, if not more, of food, condiments, supplements etc.  No insurance won’t cover it and we have a very high deductible. I have a horrible headache, possibly from the guy smelling of smoke which I’m allergic to, possibly from the dust from it all, which I’m also allergic to, possibly pre-e coming on since my blood pressure has been soaring as well. This is seriously insane. The amount of attacks from every direction is INSANE. I am absolutely beyond astonished, stressed, frustrated etc. Unbelievable.

And I haven’t even mentioned til now how with my MG, I’m supposed to AVOID stress. Avoid it. Because it takes you down with MG, and I’m starting to feel that. You know what that could lead to? A diaphragm that fails me, a ventilator. I can’t control it. I’ve had no one to take the brunt of it. It’s on me. So much weight upon me, some of which isn’t even mine to bear, but it’s placed upon me anyways. 

Through all of this I have strongly lacked the in person support I feel I need and desire. No one has any idea. It’s insanely hard living away from my family, especially during times such as this. I have been attacked from every angle, every minute, so tangibly. It's horrible. It's horribly hard. I have had to trust in Christ alone, which I should anyways. He has been my sole strength. I think I made a comment one day at lunch something like, "I don't know how I'm surviving." And my mom replied, "I do," and pointed up. Christ alone, that's how. He has proven His strength through my weakness now more than ever before. More than when I was previously cheated on and went through a divorce, more than all the many health problems, more than my surgery, more than my pulmonary embolism in which I felt my life be at risk, more than all of it combined. Right now He is proving His Word is true and He is who He says He is. But He's also showing me to stop relying on anyone else. Now that's seriously hard when it comes to physical stuff- the need for a rest, a break from the kids, cooking, cleaning etc. God's not physically here with me to do all that. Thankfully my mom is, and better, and helping a lot. But it's still way way way more and way harder than I thought.

I am praying this baby comes on her own, in God's timing, before 42 weeks. I don't want to be induced. Being induced comes with more risks, and risk of it leading to c-section- facing that once again. I know a lot of people say a c-section isn't so bad and so on. Those people are not me. My health issues, more than just MG, present a large variety of problems to have a c-section. It's no simple task and definitely no simple recovery... especially without support. My mom will be gone right after baby. My mom in law has to go back to work. I will have no one, especially emotionally in person as needed. And again, Christ alone, but how does that work when I physically wouldn't be able to do anything recovering... with a newborn and 2 very very loud and wild boys needing attention? 

It's been absolute insanity. Honestly it's brought me to having a lot of regrets about poor choices I've made along the way to getting here. It's led to a lot of resentment, even hatred. It's led to a lot of horrible feelings because of what I've been dealing with that no one knows of. 

I need support. I need prayer. I need Jesus, so so so very much. Just give me Jesus!

Lord, please bring this baby earthside soon, before the need for induction. Please reduce all stressors for my body to be able to go into labor, and my blood pressure reaching near dangerously high due to stress, to go down. Please have everything go as well and smoothly as possible, with as quick and painless of a natural labor and delivery as possible, with a healthy baby and mama, with the support physically, mentally, emotionally and especially spiritually as needed. Please provide for my needs as you know they are, give me rest, give me sleep, bring me peace and less stress. Bring me support where you know I need it. Please help the boys rashes to completely heal, and none of us to catch it. Please keep us all healthy and well today and the days forward. Please please repair our fridge and prevent all of us from getting sick from food or anything else especially right now, before labor, with one bathroom. Please take away my hatred, my resentment, my bitterness, my hard feelings against anyone- honestly including against you Lord. It’s so easy to blame You for not taking these problems away! I feel like Job in the Bible, and then some, all over again just like I felt when I lived in Texas. Please, open the hearts of those who don't yet know Jesus and don't even realize they don't know Jesus- for those with all the head knowledge but not the heart. Break their hearts for what breaks Yours. Lead them to You, to surrender, fully surrender, and submit to You, Christ alone. For You ALONE can fill them. I believe in that, I trust in that. I give my life over to You and ask You to do with it as You please, however hard it is You will be my strength and get me through it. I rebuke the devil, Satan, all evil spirits and demons in the Name of Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior, and the only one who can overcome ALL. It's in Jesus Name I pray, and surrender, Amen.

This is my heart. Please pray with me through this. Thank you.

Gender Reveal

 In case you aren't on facebook and didn't see the video posted, it's a.... GIRL!!!

I am absolutely shocked! I shouldn't be though. Why? Because this...

A short while before getting pregnant, Joshua said to me "God told me I'm going to have a baby sissy soon." We thought he was a bit crazy. Yeah right, another baby wasn't in the cards, and a girl.. ha! I had to grieve that loss of a dream a while back. Even if we got pregnant, there's no way he could be right on gender.

Well, we got pregnant. That's kind of crazy in of itself. But I won't share that story.

With Joshua, I knew his gender, his name, even the day he would be born. God revealed it all. With Z, I had a strong strong feeling he was a boy. God revealed his name much later on. With this baby, I had a slight feeling it was a girl BUT... I denied it. I resisted it. I told myself there was no way, this feeling had to be wrong. 

Why would I think anything from God, either through Joshua or myself, was wrong? Don't doubt God. Faith. That word keeps coming to me this pregnancy yet again as it did for Z as well. 

With God, all things truly are possible, and through this He has definitely shown it. 

IT'S A GIRL!!!! 

I'm shocked, excited and also nervous. After 2 boys I'm actually thinking to myself, how on earth do I raise a girl??? I don't know. But I'm blessed to have the opportunity soon! And yes, I've already gone shopping for some girl stuff. 💗😂

Continued prayers are appreciated as this pregnancy has been quite the ride so far. Prayers for everything to happen as God intends it, for peace no matter the stressors and that stress to not affect baby girl, and if it be God's will- for another full term, natural delivery with a healthy baby and a healthy mama with no complications! 💕

It's a....

4 weeks ago, at my anatomy scan, we could have found out the gender. However, Jeremy wasn’t able to be with me for it and I didn’t want to find out gender alone. I also didn’t want them to write it on a piece of paper knowing they would write small and when we opened it Jeremy wouldn’t be able to see it. So, I typed out in big letters BOY and GIRL. I then pasted them inside black construction paper so that I couldn’t read it through an envelope. I asked the ultrasound tech to put which gender it was inside the envelope and throw out the other. 

Here’s the thing… when I pasted it, the boy one had a little bump in it from the glue that I couldn’t smooth out. I knew if I touched that bump I would know it’s a boy, ruining any surprise. Fast forward. We waited a couple weeks before deciding to find out. I wasn't ready to know yet. I enjoyed waiting til birth to find out for Z, but... this time around I need to buy baby stuff either way! Different seasons and I got rid of most everything. That morning I grabbed the envelope to put in my purse… and when I did… I felt a bump. I ruined the surprise. Well, I put it in my purse and didn’t say anything to Jeremy.

Now being the day we were going to find out gender, we wanted to make it fun. We planned that after finding out, we would go shopping for some outfits then go out to lunch. 

But first we had to drop off the boys, then drop off our taxes. It was raining. Driving all the way back home to find out seemed silly because it’s nearly an hour round trip and all the stores and restaurants were where we already were. Where could we do our own reveal while out, in the rain? Well, I thought to myself I already know it’s a boy, so it doesn’t really matter where we do this. Why not just reveal in the car at the tax place. I mean, that makes sense right? Lol 

Stay tuned for part 2… a video.. which is very clear in the beginning that I knew I felt the boy card and ruined any surprise… but the video is worth watching anyways. 

Surprise! Here we go again!

I have questioned writing this for a while. I don't really use this blog anymore. But, as I've done for every baby, I've wanted to do for this one, sharing the story during pregnancy and later the birth.

So, as anyone reading this probably already knows by now, we're pregnant again! Now let me step back in time for a moment.

Prior to becoming a Christian, 10 years ago, I didn't really want kids. Once I became a Christian, I absolutely opened that door. After marrying my husband, that solidified that I really did want kids, but I didn't really think it was possible because of several reasons. Well, surprise, we had Joshua. I remember immediately after the birth I told J "ok, we don't have to have anymore!" That was only because that labor was so incredibly painful and difficult and long. Well, surprise, pregnant with Gideon, but he went directly to be with Jesus in heaven. After that I really wanted another, I really wanted Joshua to have a sibling close in age. Though we weren't really on the same page with that yet, surprise, pregnant with Z. And while there are many moments that are quite the challenge and test my patience, I am so glad God blessed our family with him. 

So here's the thing next to no one knows. When I was pregnant with Z, before he was even earthside with us, I had this vision. It was of 2 boys and 1 girl. I could not get that out of my head. Was that about our two sons and J's daughter? It felt not. Did God want us to have more? Shutting the door on it completely felt like I would be saying no to God. I couldn't do that. It felt wrong. No matter my desires, it's His will not mine. No matter my abilities or strength, it's His power not mine. I had to leave that door open. But over time, I inched closer to worldly pressures more and more. I finally agreed I would sell or donate baby items and maternity clothes, and I did. 

Literally about a month after selling and donating nearly every baby and maternity thing I had, we went on our belated 5 year anniversary trip to the beach. On the way back, I actually joked to J that it was the first time we were at the beach together without a baby in me. Well..... wrong! About 2 weeks after returning from the beach guess what, surprise, positive pregnancy test!

Honestly, my initial reaction was fear. This world is nuts. I don't want to bring another baby into it. Why now? Why me? God is this really what you want? Is this really happening again? And then the selfish thoughts... I don't want to go through the whole baby stage again- the sleepless nights, nursing with mastitis, blow out diapers, potential of colic again, etc. But I reminded myself, this isn't about me. I reminded myself of the vision I previously had. And I reminded myself of this, which still to this day I find crazy...

Shortly before that beach trip, on some random day, out of nowhere. Joshua blurted this out to me: "God told me I'm going to have a baby sissy soon." Wait, what? Joshua, what? Did God really say that? Are you making that up? When? You know that means I would need to have a baby in me right? Well, ever since then he kept saying it. He insisted it would happen. And it did, as a surprise to us. How did he know before we did? Even if it's not a girl and he's wrong about gender, it's still kind of crazy. Like, gives me goosebumps crazy.

Fast forward to after finding out I was pregnant, and we hadn't told the kids yet. Now randomly Z points to my belly and says "baby!" 

Well, finally we told the kids. Joshua was SO excited, I mean, capturing his face on camera was absolutely priceless. He now calls this "my baby," meaning his baby. He literally cries if he wants to "see" or "hug" his baby and I'm busy at the time. Let's hope he's this loving once baby arrives here! 

So, this pregnancy has been... rough! By far the hardest of my pregnancies. Maybe because I'm older. Maybe for other reasons that other women are also having the hardest pregnancies they've had also. I read back on what I mentioned while pregnant with Z and oddly I don't remember much of that. But this time I was so super nauseated every single day and night nearly 24-7 from weeks 6-14. It literally kept me awake feeling so sick. And I was absolutely beyond exhausted. So much so it affected how often I did really anything at all. So many days I allowed more video time than I would prefer for the boys, or just had them cuddle with me on the couch. I felt horrible but was in survival mode. I had and still have food aversions to nearly everything. I used to plan the weekly menu, and this time around I could barely think about the next meal of the day. I've been eating whatever sounds tolerable at any given meal. At the same time, I've already gained so much weight I feel like a whale. This one is rough! On a positive note, I'm not really getting zits this time around, but that's mainly because they've already come and just stayed there, lol.

So, back to gender. I'm inclined to say Joshua is probably wrong. At this point I feel like it's just not even possible for us to have a girl together. Medically speaking, with timing and location of placenta, it's probably another boy. And the honest truth is literally all of us want a girl this time. Everyone knows I want my own daughter to birth and raise and watch grow and do all those girly things with. But after having 2 loud and wild boys, even J said he'd prefer a girl this time, to maybe bring a little more peace and quiet to such a loud house. Don't get me wrong, we love our boys, but I don't think people are thinking straight when they say boys are easier to raise than girls. 😬 Joshua of course REALLY wants and believes he's getting a sissy. And Jeremy's daughter has wanted a girl ever since the first time I was pregnant. Z, well, I don't think he really knows what's about to happen here. But, it's in God's hands. It does often make me question how I can have such a strong desire go unfullfilled when God says he will give the desires of your heart if your heart aligns with His. Does mine not? Am I too selfish with this? I don't know, probably. Still, it's a desire, and it's strong. Still again, I and we will love this baby regardless.

People say you will know when you're done having kids. All along, after every baby and loss, I've never felt that peace or clarity. I haven't felt done at all. More importantly, I haven't felt God is done... until this one. Something has changed now. I finally feel that peace. I finally feel that closure. This is our last one. This is our finale baby. This baby completes our family regardless of gender or anything else. This is it. 

Another odd thing about that is this... both boys birthdays have only the numbers of 1s, 2s and 7s in them (and 0 for the year). Well, J's fav number or whatever you want to call it is 17. Mine is 2. Crazy enough, this baby is due in July (month 7) of 2022. So it very well could be another round of 1s, 2s, and 7s! 7-1-22 or 7-11-22 or 7-17-22. Maybe its not, but the possibilty of it makes it all so weird. Literally if we were to have any more kids after this the possibility of having a child with a birthday of only 1s, 2s, and 7s (and 0), doesn't exist until I would be too old to have them. Ok, now that I've made you think I'm crazy, I'll come back to reality here...

I am blessed. We are blessed. Of course it will be hard, a challenge, test our patience, stress us out, financially stretch us... but every baby is a blessing. Now that the nausea has improved and I have slightly more energy, I'm trying to enjoy this last pregnancy. I'm excited to hopefully soon start feeling baby kick. In a month we will probably find out gender so I can prepare again, since I really have nothing, and the clothes I do have are opposite seasons! I'm trying not to think of what the world might look like by July, but instead focus on this baby and more importantly on God getting us through this. Faith over fear, always.

Prayers appreciated for health, baby's health, safety, and a peace about whatever happens or wherever God leads us. Thank you Lord for allowing me to experience pregnancy one more time, and entrusting us to raise up another one of Your children. 💗

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; Jeremiah 1:5

Zechariah's Birth Story

Sooo, I'm not sure if anyone truly cares to read this, but I'm having mom guilt all over the place... thinking to myself multiple times "well I did birth announcements for Joshua I must do them for Z now" "I wrote a birth story for Joshua I must do them for Z now" etc. etc. So here we go...

From here on we will refer to Zechariah as Z and Joshua as JJ because well, why not.

Z was due December 28, 2019. That day came and went, as did the year. Bye bye additional child tax credit lol! My doctor was the one to tell me about that, I didn't even know, so fyi I'm only joking. But anyways I had tried everything I could think of to try to bring on labor. I even jokingly said "You know I've been so worried about going pre term and not having someone here for JJ that I'm probably going to end up going late and needing to be induced." I was joking but it became nearly accurate actually. January 6, 2020 I had a doctor appointment. My doctor was saying I'll need to set an induction date because I was already over 41 weeks. I was pushing for as long as I could get and I said to him that I'll set it for just over 42 weeks BUT "I'm going to see you tomorrow." I knew Z would be born tomorrow. I didn't know it at all as soon as I knew the date for Joshua, but eventually I figured it out.

So all day long on January 6th I had been having what I thought were contractions. They were very regularly 9 minutes apart but then stopped when we got to the doctor, which I assumed they would because I learned about how stress of anything can slow down the labor process. After the doctor appointment I asked J if we could walk the big hills around the office and we did. That set things into motion again. Now it was most definitely contractions still 9 minutes apart. I had questioned if I should just ask the doctor to admit me then and let me labor there but I didn't think he would let me at that far apart. We walked the local grocery store hoping maybe it would speed things up but it didn't so we continued home. After the hour drive home contractions were 7-8 minutes apart and I really started to think we need to turn back around NOW in order to make it back before dark... otherwise if it quickly progressed and Ihad to go in later that night, someone else would have to drive us because J can't drive in the dark. So we picked up a sandwich, stopped home and very quickly said hi to JJ, and turned back around. By the time we drove that hour back contractions were 3-4 minutes apart and I was dilated 3-4 centimeters (which that part really means nothing but it was a guideline of how quickly it went from there). I changed into my labor gown, contacted my doula, and disinfected my hospital room... yep. This was around 6pm and it's around when labor soon sped up.

This labor and delivery went very different than with JJ. Labor with JJ was a blur. With Z, in the beginning, the contractions were painful but spread apart enough I could focus. So in between we played a game. Once it got bad enough that ended. I labored around the room but this time wanted very hands off. With JJ I needed lots of pressure on my back and physical support. With Z I actually told J not to touch me, it was too much, too intense. What I needed this time was verbal affirmations and that made all the difference. I moved around more on my own but was also very exhausted. I didn't use the labor tub, I don't even know if one was available this time, but it didn't appeal to me at all. After about 6 hours of active labor (it was about 12-13 hours of active labor with JJ) I was asked to be checked again and hesitated but said ok. Then I was 8-9 centimeters dilated and I was absolutely shocked it went that quickly. Transition for JJ was so much more intense than with Z. Shortly after, my doctor came in and said I could start pushing. I wasn't quite ready but I was definitely ready for him to be here... almost. It was about 11:40 pm and I said to my doctor (not sure how I was still joking in the amount of pain I was in) "Can you come back in 5-7 minutes?" My doctor responded saying "you're trying to have this baby tomorrow aren't you?" Yep, yep I am. So he returned in approximately 5-7 minutes and we started (Ok, I started) pushing. P.a.i.n.f.u.l! Pushing with JJ wasn't really painful, I mean it was incredibly hard and I was incredibly tired but the painful part was pretty much over at that point. Pushing with Z HURT! And we would soon find out why. After 1.5 hours (It was 3 hours with JJ) Z came out at 1:43 AM, at 10 POUNDS 3 ounces!! Ahhh!! And 22 inches long! He was over 100% for both height and weight. No wonder my stomach was so big this time!

Oh by the way, it's a boy! But we totally knew it. I loved how we found out though. We didn't plan any certain way for it to happen besides making sure no one said anything before birth. Well when he came out, they placed him on me and I realized no one said anything. I looked down and saw it and said "It's a boy!" I was happy. I. was. happy. My little blessing was here. And I was so in love with him already! I looked to J and said "We did it!" Pretty sure I did it, but in the moment I included him, because WE did it- we brought this little blessing into the world and we became a bigger family with more love to share and give. We did it.

I was thankful to have my 1-2 hours of bonding time right after with Z all nuzzled up on my chest. And that night he was an amazing little baby sleeping well for me throughout the night in between nursing. Then we had our scare. The next day he was jaundice and had to be put in the light machine. I broke down- 1 for him and his little body going through that- crying for us to hold him when we couldn't. 2- for JJ at home and us being away from him for multiple days in a row when he's never been left more than a night before and didn't understand the reason behind all this, we couldn't just easily explain it to him. Well, after a night in the light machine they checked his levels again and they went down! So they were going to let us both go home. We packed up our bags, J put them in the car, we put Z in his car seat and the nurse came in to check him. Z had turned red and stopped breathing for a few seconds! We quickly loosened him but the nurse said let's do a car seat challenge to make sure he can safely make it home. I was hoping the 15-20 minute delay wouldn't affect anything (J driving home before dark) but it did. He failed it. So then they wanted to do a chest x-ray to make sure nothing was wrong with his heart or lungs. My heart sank. Exposed to x-rays this young? Heart? Lungs? How am I the mom of a little one going through this? I was the one with health problems, it should be me, not him. Thankfully, praise Jesus, the x-ray was normal! So then they wanted to do a 1.5 hour car seat challenge. As soon as I walked in I started crying again. This poor thing just born and has to be taken away from his mama so much left alone in machines and car seats, but the worst was seeing his oxygen drop so low- the lowest I saw was 84% and that really scared me. He already failed just minutes into the test, but they said we had to keep going to show the doctor the full results. I hated that. I kept asking if his oxygen dropping that low was going to affect his brain, heart or anything else. That seemed so dangerous. I was assured, kind of, that that quick amount of time it dropped wouldn't do any damage. I can only hope that is correct. Long story short, Z had to stay overnight again this time in the nursery hooked up to an ox-sat meter to see how he did laying flat overnight. Fortunately it stayed fairly ok. So they thought the reason is just because he is dropping his head in the car seat and if they could prop him up it could be ok. So after 3 failed car seat challenges and placing swaddle blankets around him (which doesn't exactly sound safe either) we passed and we're able to take him home.

We had been away from home other than that quick stop after my doctor's appointment, from Monday morning until Friday late afternoon. My sweet JJ. I couldn't wait to get home to him. JJ was a bit of a mess too- he didn't know what to make of this bringing Z home. He started crying, I think he was scared and confused. Lots of hugs and cuddles and he started to warm up to him. The big brother gifts he got probably helped too lol. Since then, he's warmed up more but been a bit jealous. He wants grandma to hold Z, not mommy or daddy. He tells us Z's diaper is stinky a lot and then throws us tons of diapers. He tries to pick Z up so we have to keep a close eye on him. But the best of it is holding my two little ones both in my arms in the rocking chair. My arms are full but so is my heart with love for them.

Speaking of me, I've done much better this time. It helped not having so many people around all at once in the beginning. I was overwhelmed with JJ. It was also very weird for me having JJ when I already had a stepdaughter. You see, most couples get to be excited for that first child together- bring home that first child with no other children in the house- adapt to learning to raise a kid together, have family excited for it being their child's first time having a child. But that wasn't us. J had been through all that and I hadn't. It was hard to bond with JJ or even feel like he was my own and that feeling was really hard. This time it's come more naturally and easier bonding with Z- he feels like he's mine this time. What also has helped is my initial recovery hasn't been nearly as hard or bad. After JJ, I could barely breathe and I was really sick. His labor, delivery and after was all a blur. With Z I was very alert, aware and walked probably after about 2 hours. I still had some breathing trouble but not the extent of with JJ. It's probably because both labor and pushing were half the amount of time this time around, and I knew what to expect and prepared for it- I ate some throughout labor and drank my orange juice to avoid blood sugar dropping immediately after. Oh by the way I got my natural labor, I didn't even have an IV placed this time!

But I think my adjustment and most difficult time is going to come here soon, after. I've already been doing too much and need to slow down. My mom has been a huge help staying with us, pretty much taking care of JJ for us as J works and I attempt to get little amounts of sleep in between nursing, changing and bonding with Z. JJ is going to have a bit of a shock when neither grandma is here anymore. He's getting so much 1 on 1 attention right now but once it's just us, my time is going to need to be more shared. I'm going to be stretched as I adapt to this that's for sure. It's going to be so hard not having family around, really it's just us. But I'm also excited... excited to see these 2 grow up together, excited to have our first excursion out as a family (after flu season!), excited even to see how I manage (but you know, pray for me with that please!).

So lastly, the hospital stay. Ugh. I'd like to say it was great but it wasn't. That was the one thing that went better with JJ than with Z. See the hospital I had JJ merged with the hospital I had Z so now they are one but two separate locations. They said most of the nurses were the same, but I must have had different ones. I had a few good ones with Z but overall they were much nicer with JJ. And the food was said to be better where I had Z but I remember it much better where I had JJ. The caf was actually being remodeled with Z so there was barely anything for J to eat and the hours were not very convenient. Lastly, the gift shop didn't have flowers. Ok, that's like no big deal, but J and my dad got me flowers after with JJ but there was nothing available for J after Z. A girl likes her flowers lol.

We're now just over 2 weeks postpartum and it's gotten harder instead of easier. Z has been nursing about every hour through the day and every 1-4 overnight. I like those long stretches of sleep but even when Z does, it's hard for me to sleep. Insomnia is back. And it's caused a horrible headache these past few days. Plus we've been trying to get so much done. I'm glad it'll all be done and out of the way- SS card, birth certificate, bank account, baby book, etc etc. as my brain doesn't rest til I get my work out of the way- but it's been exhausting. So now, when I finish typing this, which was on my own to do list, I have one last thing I want to do before I can rest. Then I'll be ready to rest- just in time for when my mom is heading out soon... I'm thinking that rest won't come for at least a few years now. So God, provide the strength and energy needed. For as I said out loud during labor- "it's not my strength, but Yours. I need You Lord."

Thank you all for reading if you made it this far, and for your continued support and prayers. 💓 Love to all!

Our Rainbow Baby

I know there are some people who used to read this to stay updated on what's going on with us. I hate that I haven't written in so long so I wanted to try to get back to it. Before I go any further, as always, my writing is from my heart and/or what God places on it. Most of the time that is quite vulnerable and can reach deep seeded feelings in others due to their own experiences. Please consider that before reading as it is not my intent to hurt anyone, ever.

Last I wrote was about our Gideon. I will forever remember him, and he will forever be my second child, even if only from heaven. No child will ever replace another one, but I'm excited to say we're expecting again! We waited a long while to announce this time. It just felt weird announcing after a loss and once you lose a baby or a child the feelings of anxiety and fear never seem to fully go away. I'm almost 20 weeks and still concerned if this will go well. So I just wanted to fill people in on what's been happening and ask you all to be praying for us.

I was sick or at least felt sick pretty much every day, every hour, weeks 6-15. On top of that I had food poisoning at one point that had me stuck in bed for days. It was rough, so much so I had to take a medication that is of some risk, but I really had no option due to MG. I've had a few other concerns here and there as well. And with MG, pregnancy can either cause it to get worse, stay the same, or get better and possibly put you in remission. With Joshua my MG got better to the point I could do so much more and absolutely loved being pregnant because I felt like I hadn't in years! Well, this pregnancy is the complete opposite. My MG is flaring up and I'm getting exhausted and weak from doing next to nothing. Of course that is so hard because MG is difficult to explain to people to begin with, especially when you look well. But then add in that people saw that pregnancy made you better last time and then they doubt if you're making things up that it's so much harder this time. Well, it is. Much harder. And I've got a toddler to care for on top of it.

Though with Joshua, I was really dizzy a lot, ate an absolute ton (he started his eating us out of the house habits while he was still inside me), craved sweets a TON, my hair seemed to grow super quickly, my face was covered in zits... With this pregnancy/baby I've only occasionally gotten dizzy when I barely have eaten, I don't have much of an appetite at all and turned off by like literally every food with zero cravings, my hair isn't growing at all, my face is blah but not really any zits... it is completely different!

Then with Joshua, God told me his name, and therefore that he was a boy the very day I found out I was pregnant. I knew who he was and I knew he was going to be a handful. I even knew the day he would be born. I also knew Gideon's name. With this baby, again completely different. The only thing I have a feeling about is that this baby is going to be completely different- a much easier temperament. God hasn't given me a name, hasn't told me the gender, hasn't given me the day baby would be born (though I have my own guesses). The only name I keep hearing I don't know if it's the baby's name or not and I won't say it's from God or not I don't know- that's because it's a girls name and I'm in absolute denial that there is even the slightest possibility it can be a girl. It's no secret that I long to have my own baby girl so so bad, but I feel like that's just not meant to happen. We're waiting on finding out the gender so I guess we'll know in approximately 4.5 months.

So yeah, waiting on the gender, totally unlike me. I won't be prepared if it does happen to be a girl. Because I will want EVERYTHING pink! Pink clothes, pink curtains, pink towels, pink bedding, pink pink pink everything... but right now what we have is blue, rather it's teal, so I mean I guess it works for either gender but again if I have a baby girl you bet she will be covered in pink!

I know there will be people who will judge me but I can't control that. What I can do is relate to those who have been where I am/was. For that reason I'm sharing this brief story. The reason I don't want to find out the gender until birth (and J is all for waiting to find out regardless) is because I had "gender disappointment" when I found out Joshua's gender. Again, I hate hate hate that term. When we were pregnant with Joshua we thought he would be our only one, and I dreamed so much of having a girl. So finding out he was a boy shattered the dream of my ever raising and having a bond with a girl, a daughter, and it hurt. But that did NOT take away the fact that I loved/love my son. Two separate things- celebrating the life I'm given while grieving the one I won't have. I know it's hard for people who haven't been through that to understand that, but I'm truthful, this is my truth, and it hurts to be judged for what I feel. So now this time, I fear if I find out in advance that it's a boy I will deal with those same feelings. And I don't want to. I don't want those feelings to steal the joy of this pregnancy and this baby. So I thought, let's just not find out. Once the baby arrives, after hopefully another natural unmedicated labor, I will be so thrilled to have a baby, hopefully healthy baby, in my arms, that the gender won't even matter. If it's a girl I'll probably bawl my eyes out for hours (I'm really not normally a crier), but if it's a boy I will love him no less, ever.

So we're just praying for a healthy baby, of whichever gender God decides to give us, and praying that I can focus on the love and life more than on any pain or grief of that which I don't or maybe won't have. Grief comes in many different forms and its important for healing to accept all of them. They need not be compared. Having now grieved/grieving the loss of my unborn child, it's even harder to admit and not feel guilt over my desire of raising a daughter. Every child is an absolute blessing. But as I've said and as I stick to it's two separate things, two separate issues, one does not replace the other. I grieve my Gideon but if I never have a baby girl I will also in a very different way grieve not having a daughter. At the same time I will celebrate the life I've been given- of Joshua and of this baby to come.

That's been on my heart and feels freeing to get it out there. Thank you for those who accept me, all of me, for who I am and how I've been created. Thank you for the support through the good times and the bad. Thank you for carrying me through the pain of losing Gideon and celebrating with me the joy of this baby on the way. Thank you!

There's so much more to say but I'll save it for another time. Thanks for reading, thanks for praying, thanks for your support! It means a lot.

For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him. 1 Samuel 1:27-28

Gideon Michael James part 2

If you haven't yet read part 1, you can here.

What I'm about to say next is going to be very sensitive and somewhat graphic. Discretion is strongly advised before considering reading. The topic is pregnancy loss.














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Today is Saturday, a week since what I'm about to say happened. I've been working on writing this for a while but I've just been unable to finish. Where I left off was the natural process of physically losing Gideon was starting to take place. This was over a week ago Thursday.

Through all this I've been battling how do I work through letting go of Gideon while also maintaining a focus on my son who's alive and with me? I can say it's been Joshua motivating me to get out of bed each morning. I have to carry on because I have him. When this all started one of the top things in my mind was my poor Joshua! His birthday was Friday and I wanted so very much to give him a good birthday, the best we could at least. When all this happened I was determined if nothing else I would still bake him a cake and get him a balloon but the celebration could happen any time as long as I could wish him a happy birthday on his actual birthday. Thankfully God allowed us this time. I not only baked a cake and got a balloon with the help of my husband, but we still managed to take him out to lunch as planned, and do gifts with him, and Facetime family.

I was determined to place my entire focus on Joshua that day. And I did for the most part. But when the time came to put him into bed and his birthday was officially over as far as celebrating, my heart sunk back into sadness. My sweet Gideon.

God answered our prayers, allowing us that day with Joshua. Then Saturday arrived. I don't remember what the morning entailed, but what I do remember is this- Somewhere around 7/7:30 I started feeling contractions, as if I was going into labor. It very quickly progressed from what felt like bad cramping to full on active labor. I'm not sure J knew what was going on as we were watching a show and as he continued to watch the show I got up and started laboring through the pain that was getting worse and worse... walking, on all fours, groaning through it, rocking... J said "why don't you try to get some sleep." "Yeah right" I think was my response. There was no way I was sleeping through this. At that point I think I moved from the bed to the bathroom and continued to labor through the remainder there. It was SO rough. Not only the pain, which literally felt the same as when I had Joshua, but the emotions. I had no idea I'd actually have to go through labor for this, but to have to labor through this and then not have a baby in the end? Oh my heart. At one point the pain slowed down and I thought I passed the baby. I looked at what I thought was the baby (I later on realized was a clot) and I completely broke down. I slid down to the floor bawling my eyes out starting to hyperventilate. I literally told J to help me breathe because I couldn't.

And then it started back up. I realized this happened with Joshua also. I said this isn't over yet. All of a sudden my water broke! I never felt that with Joshua but it was insane! Like a water balloon popping inside me. And when that happened, I said "I think our baby just came out." And all the pain was suddenly gone. I looked down and there he was, our sweet tiny little baby, as well as the placenta. Again I seriously had NO idea it would be like this- it was just like having a live baby only quicker. At that point my focus was shifted toward saving Gideon's little body, which I managed to do.

But once I did that, the bleeding only got worse, much worse. Baseball size clot after clot after clot. I went from the bathroom to the bedroom, back and forth, once or twice even laying down attempting to sleep. But I actually feared if I fell asleep I might not wake up from the amount of blood loss. In my head I pondered calling an ambulance. But we were having a horrible freezing rain/ice/sleet/snow storm and around here no one is prepared for something like that. J couldn't drive at night nor would I even let him drive in that weather especially with Joshua in the car with us. I wondered if we should call someone, but it was nearly 1 AM now. J was trying to sleep and I was trying to let him. But finally I said "I think we need to call 911. You know I wouldn't do this unless I felt my life was at risk." And I called. I've never called 911 before. I handed the phone to J telling the guy on the other side that I needed to get ready to leave. But instead they made me lay down and had J push on my lower stomach to help the bleeding. It felt like eternity when the ambulance finally arrived about 25 minutes later.

The one guy asked if we had the baby and when I said yes, he said they had to take it. I yelled ABSOLUTELY NOT! YOU ARE NOT TAKING MY BABY! I told him if that was what had to happen to take me to the hospital that I refused to leave the house and would bleed to death here if I had to. I know that sounds crazy especially to someone who hasn't been through this, but I would absolutely not give up my baby's body knowing there was a chance that he would be discarded as medical waste. I've heard too many horrible stories. After he spent a long while on the phone with the hospital he told me they said ok they will just have to do an ultrasound to confirm I passed the baby then. I said THAT'S PERFECTLY FINE, CAN WE LEAVE YET?! I was starting to have trouble breathing and my blood pressure was dropping very low. I could hear them talking about how pale I was and how much blood I was losing.

The problem was the weather. The local hospital apparently wouldn't take me because of my multiple health issues. They feared if they took me there and something went wrong I actually would end up dying there because at that point there would be no way to transport me to another hospital. So instead they had to take me the normally 30 minute drive to the hospital in another town. J would have been allowed to come with me but Joshua being a baby could not. Plus the weather. J asked if I wanted him to find someone to bring them and I said no, please stay home and keep Joshua safe. As they rolled me out the door into the snow I looked at J and grabbed his hand one more time. He rarely cries but I saw his eyes filling with tears. That's what told me this is serious. He later told me he was scared he was going to lose me. My heart sunk. I had no idea. He was worried about me but I was worried about them. I didn't have any milk pumped and Joshua still nurses around the clock. My poor baby and J having to care for him.

The 30 minute drive took over an hour as the ambulance had to travel 20 mph on the interstate in order to transport me safely. The guy kept taking my vitals and kept updating the hospital. All the while I was praying not for my health but for our safety to get there and for Joshua to be ok without me. God answered our prayers again.

Finally we arrived safely to the hospital around 2:45 am. It seemed as soon as they learned I had MG they all kind of stepped back and didn't want to do anything to me fearing they could make me worse. So instead I received about 7 bags of IV fluids counting the many they gave me in the ambulance, and oxygen, and was monitored. I watched as the more fluids I got the more my blood pressure and oxygen went up. But honestly, though the doctors and nurses there were kind, they were very inattentive. I could go on and on about that but it's not worth it. Point is at one point I had to press the call button more times than I could count and wait at least 30 minutes to have someone help me to use the bathroom! That is insane! They weren't even busy. I heard them all talking and laughing right there. And I also asked for a pump so I wouldn't get mastitis and it took them hours upon hours to finally bring it. When they did the nurse said she had no idea how to use it, after I said I needed someone to help because I'd never used one before. So she told me just to use the manual one... the manual one that you yourself have to squeeze over and over and over... to a person with Myasthenia Gravis. When my IV stopped I asked for something to drink because my mouth was so dry. That finally arrived hours later. It was ridiculous.

Morning, well 7 AM, rolled around and they talked about letting me go. The next issue was again the weather. There was no way J could drive to come get me, no way that car would make it. So I actually posted on Facebook asking if anyone with a 4 wheel drive car would be willing to come get me. Thankfully multiple people offered and kindly a couple from church picked me up! The doctors tested my blood levels again before leaving and said it was under normal range but not too far under. They questioned letting me go or not but I told them I had to get home to nurse my baby. And so we left. I was really weak and tipping, as I call it, which is when I get really weak and my muscles give out. The roads were still pretty horrible. But God answered our prayers again.

Finally I was home with my husband and baby. I couldn't wait to nurse him and just sit with my husband just to be with him. So hard being without them alone in a hospital, knowing they couldn't get to me because of the weather. We had originally planned to take Joshua out for his first experience in the snow but I tossed that to the back of my mind. I was very weak, still a little dizzy, and told to rest for a week or so. Yet J suggested we still do that. He set out a chair for me and he did all the work of getting Joshua ready and building him a snowman. Thankful for that little moment that I still got to be a part of with them.

This past Monday arrived and I said we need to contact the funeral home. I don't want my baby's body to decay in front of my eyes. I am so incredibly thankful the funeral home here will help out families who lost babies who weren't full term. Before the funeral home director came over to take Gideon's body, we took some pictures holding him. I then placed his body in a tiny little box and put a bow on it. Though I won't get to meet him til heaven, he was our gift this year. God answered another prayer- I am incredibly thankful though losing him so early, I was still able to see him and hold him and place him to rest. My sweet Gideon.

It's both amazing and sad to me that for most people this early, they never hear a heartbeat and they never get to see or hold their baby's body. Most people this early typically just bleed and don't quite know where the baby came out in all that. But I prayed God would allow me to do this as naturally as possible because for me that's what would help bring closure. And He did- labor, water breaking, delivery my baby completely in tact, holding him and being able to lay him to rest.

The funeral director walked in the house and I instantly broke down in tears. I couldn't even say hi. She gave me a hug and said she was so sorry. All that went through my mind was why are we doing this? Parents aren't supposed to lay their child to rest, it's supposed to be the other way around. So many tears. So much crying. I went and got Gideon, I handed him over and fell into J's arms. The last time I will ever hold him until heaven. My sweet Gideon.

Prior to then I debated back and forth what to do with our Gideon's body- burial, cremation, I had no idea. The thought of handing him over caused me so much pain. But the thought of burring him caused confusion. How could we do that here, in a house we don't own, where we possibly may not live forever? How would I be able to visit him? And so I suggested and we came to the conclusion we would have him cremated and later possibly plant a tree in memory of him. So later that day we drove over to the funeral home. We walked in. Joshua was my little distraction. Oh how thankful I am for this little guy. We had to sign papers and pick out an urn. Why are we having to do this? Why? I couldn't fathom looking at an urn and being reminded of death, but when we walked in there this heart popped out to me, a tiny green heart. That to me, would make me think of love. J agreed and that's what we decided on.

Then Tuesday arrived. This was the day of my follow up. Another hour drive to my doctor. I prayed so much that everything had passed and I didn't need any medical intervention. But the other thought that hit me was the drive, the hour drive. Up til now this drive was a positive memory- every time we drove there and back for Joshua, driving there and back for the previous appointment for Gideon. Now it was a sad one. For some reason we decided we would first go to another town to pick up lunch. That resulted in the drive there being a different route than usual. As silly as it sounds, that helped me. And then the wait in the doctor's office. Looking around at all those bellys, I should have soon had one. Seeing everyone so happy, so cheerful, no one knew the pain that was inside me. We went to the room and the doctor soon came in. He took out the ultrasound and there it was... nothing. Nothing inside my uterus. How do I handle that moment? It's a prayer answered but that prayer was only prayed due to loss. I never wanted to lose this baby but since it happened I had prayed it would all happen naturally, and it did. So I guess again, God answered another prayer.

We left that office and drove home. We didn't even talk. How could we? What was there even to say? This was so hard, a pain I never imagined. There were so many calls and texts that night. Of course we had to update everyone, well J did. I still haven't been able to talk. This again just hurt me. To others it would now appear that this process was over, completed, moving on. But I wasn't. I was still, I was hurt, I wasn't moving. I still dealt with the physical aspect of all this, would still deal with bleeding for a while just like after birth, but the emotional side was even harder. But again, God answered a prayer- having people from church reach out and offer us a meal. So very needed at this time. I couldn't begin to think about cooking and J will admit that's not one of his specialties.

Wednesday- the funeral director contacted J to let us know Gideon's remains were ready. Later that day she drove them over to us. She handed me that green heart and I again broke down crying. Would the tears, would the pain, ever end?

Thursday I told J I need a day for just us. I need to shut off the world and do nothing, just be, with my husband. When Joshua took a nap we rested, we watched shows, we just- existed. But my pain, my grief was turning into anger, one of the stages of it. I had so much anger, even hatred inside me. So what would have been a relaxing day turned into being very stressful. I was really hurting, and I know J is in his own way. I didn't sleep that night.

Friday, yesterday, I said again I just want to focus on Joshua today. I can't let Joshua miss out on things because of me. I've been wanting to take him to get his 1 year pictures but kept putting it off. So we spontaneously went and did that. J and I were in a few of the pictures. Having to smile when I wasn't smiling on the inside seemed fake but I reminded myself this is for Joshua. J wanted to go to lunch with his daughter and so we faced a dilemma. I still wasn't ready to see anyone, and as harsh as others may think this sounds, I especially wasn't ready to see her. She would remind me of what I wouldn't have, another child. I encouraged J to see her, but now that Joshua and I were in the car with him what do we do. I again shifted my focus to Joshua. Before all this happened we were supposed to go out to lunch, the 4 of us, to celebrate his birthday. And so that's what I decided, as incredibly hard as it was, this day was again for Joshua. We picked up J's daughter and as I saw her walking to the car the tears began. I mustered up a short hi. She already knew what happened and J probably already asked her to be sensitive to that. But now what? I had no idea what to do, how to act, who to be. I just lost a child and now I'm in a car with another one. I can't describe these feelings but they were very hard.

But that lunch turned out to be what we all needed. Sweet Joshua and celebrating his birthday, now a week later. We ordered our food, Joshua ate half of mine, so in turn I ate half of everyone else's. Joshua opened up his gift from my stepdaughter and acted like he wanted to eat it, as he tries to do with everything. We talked, we even talked about Gideon, and how they now both have a brother in heaven. We then drove her back to school and head home. It was a relief that that was over but it felt good to do that for my husband. I know most of the focus has been on me and what I've needed, and I know he needed this, HIS whole family now together.

Well today is Saturday, and I'm sure tonight will be hard. Remembering a week ago passing Gideon, holding Gideon, later handing over Gideon. How much love I have for such a tiny little baby who's first breath will be breathed in heaven, who's eyes will open only in heaven, who's remains are all we have with us. Gideon Michael James I will forever, til the day I get to meet you, I will forever miss and love you. My heart will always have a spot missing and that spot is you.

Grieving our Gideon

Again I think my hope here in writing this is 1. Writing is my outlet, to express myself openly and freely as part of my own grieving process. 2. To give/receive support by relating to others who have gone through this. 3. To allow others who haven't experienced this to learn the depths of what we go through. This is such a silent thing and I'm breaking the silence. If you don't agree, please just consider not reading this.

I may just be projecting this onto people, I probably am. But now that Gideon has passed through me I feel like people think the process is over, it's time to move on. The problem is, for me it's only just beginning. Now that Gideon is officially gone, I'm officially lost, hurting, angry, confused, etc. I'll later tell the rest of the story of what has happened since my last post about losing Gideon, but for now I cannot.

Yesterday into today I've been dealing with a lot of anger. And it's nothing against any of you, it's not even about you. It's just me... grieving our Gideon. Anger is a stage of grief and I'm definitely going through it. Everything is making me angry...

- Angry first and foremost that our Gideon is no longer with us
- Angry no one in our family lives close enough to physically be with us (again NOTHING against these people, I absolutely understand circumstances, I'm just expressing my anger within)
- Angry the dumb keurig messed up my coffee this morning making me waste a k-cup (ridiculous I know)
- Angry my son was acknowledged by less people for his birthday than my stepdaughter is, making me feel as if he's less important
- Angry I still haven't gotten my son his first birthday pictures
- Angry Joshua is missing out on all my attention right now
- Angry I have no idea what Christmas will look like now, possibly spent alone with just the 3 of us
- Angry if we don't travel for Christmas this year the next time we even could based on my stepdaughters schedule is 2 years from now and Joshua will be 3 by then
- Angry my son is missing out on so much
- Angry last night that Joshua went to bed later and I got no time alone with my husband
- Angry when I dropped a raisin and couldn't find it
- Angry in my dreams and upon waking up
- Angry seeing the "big sister" ornaments hanging for my stepdaughter, but my son doesn't get to experience being a big brother
- Angry when we don't finish food and it gets wasted
- Angry when before the dr we stopped at chick-fil-a for lunch and I forgot to hand J the giftcard, so we spent money we didn't need to spend
- Angry when J asked when would be good to set up some meeting/work (I'm not angry at J I'm angry that life goes on for everyone, but it can't for me, at least not right now)
- Angry when I'm told to just stay positive, or focus on the good things, etc etc
- Angry when people say or act like it's "just a miscarriage"

But reeling this in to where the pain stems from, first of all, this wasn't "just a miscarriage." I hate that word to begin with, but it wasn't. The fact is the term for what I went through is a "missed miscarriage." Gideon passed away inside me without coming out. And then weeks after his passing I actually went through the labor and delivery process right here at home, passing our sweet Gideon 100% in tact. Imagine losing your baby, looking at him, holding him, and then refer to it as "just a miscarriage." It's much more than that. It's losing a child, no matter if that child lived or not, no matter how long that child was inside you. I have a baby who is now in heaven. I lost a child. And I'll discuss that in my next post, but for now I'm too angry to even touch upon it.

I think it's safe to say I'm getting angry about pretty much everything. Again, this isn't about you or against you, it's about my own process of grieving our Gideon. But what I want to do is offer suggestions as to what would help and what would not. I know people have no idea what to say or do and don't want to say or do the wrong thing, which means maybe they say or do nothing at all to avoid it. But if you've been wanting to help, and not known how, here are ideas. And if you don't, ok. And if you have already thank you SO very much. Maybe this will be helpful to others in other situations as well, I don't know but that is my hope with this.

Please don't say/do the follow- (if you've already done one of these please don't worry and don't think I'm calling you out on it. I'm not and I may not have even noticed if you already did one of these things. I'm just listing anything and everything that can or would hurt me emotionally right now.)
- "just a miscarriage"
- "focus on the positive" (grieving is natural and needs to be experienced- this is not something to just cover up)
- "you still have Joshua" (yes I do, but one child does NOT replace the other)
- calling my baby tissue or a fetus or anything other than a baby or referring to him by name, Gideon
- telling me he's an angel. maybe he is, maybe he isn't. I don't think any of us know that
- saying he's watching over me/us. Again I don't think we know that
- telling me to move on, get over it, life goes on (yes eventually it does, and in some ways now it does, but I will never fully get over the loss of a child)
- asking if we will be trying for another baby (right now I'm grieving THIS baby)
- saying we can have another child (maybe we can, maybe we can't, maybe we want to, maybe we don't, but I'm 34 and even if we did, again, one child will never replace another)
- telling me or giving the impression that it's been long enough I need to move on
- discussing or doing anything high conflict or stressful

What would help-
- bringing a meal, still, whenever
- if you are far and can't bring a meal, offering to pay for J to pick one up somewhere locally (barely anyone delivers here) is greatly appreciated so it's one less thing to worry about physically cooking and financially
- offering to watch Joshua so J and I can just get some time alone to process all this
- offering to clean a room or the house so J can get a break
- if you are friends or family who can't visit- texting, emailing or fb but being ok with not getting an immediate response or a brief response or not getting a response at all (nothing against you)
- sending some sort of books or resources on this so I have them when I'm ready for it (I found a devotional on pregnancy loss on Amazon but I can't bring myself to buy it)
- sending a card just to show you care, you don't even have to worry about writing anything in it
- listening without giving any advice
- praying is great but literally typing out a prayer to me/us through text, email, fb is even better
- flowers (I don't know what my deal is with flowers sorry)
- keeping December 8 on your calendar as the date Gideon passed through me into the world even though he already passed away- that is the day we're going with- sending a card or text or something on that day in future years to remember him with us
- being especially sensitive to me right now for a while, on every big holiday, on Mother's Day, Father's Day and his due date June 18
- realizing anything and everything can trigger a breakdown, letting that happen/accepting it as part of the grieving process

Again, nothing against anyone please don't take this personally. It's about me and my grieving process. It's normal, it's natural, it's ok. I just need to feel accepted and loved and cared about right now. J too. I know in time we'll/I'll get over this but right now it's harder than I ever imagined it to be. Thank you more than words can say to those who have been supporting us through this.