Sooo, I'm not sure if anyone truly cares to read this, but I'm having mom guilt all over the place... thinking to myself multiple times "well I did birth announcements for Joshua I must do them for Z now" "I wrote a birth story for Joshua I must do them for Z now" etc. etc. So here we go...
From here on we will refer to Zechariah as Z and Joshua as JJ because well, why not.
Z was due December 28, 2019. That day came and went, as did the year. Bye bye additional child tax credit lol! My doctor was the one to tell me about that, I didn't even know, so fyi I'm only joking. But anyways I had tried everything I could think of to try to bring on labor. I even jokingly said "You know I've been so worried about going pre term and not having someone here for JJ that I'm probably going to end up going late and needing to be induced." I was joking but it became nearly accurate actually. January 6, 2020 I had a doctor appointment. My doctor was saying I'll need to set an induction date because I was already over 41 weeks. I was pushing for as long as I could get and I said to him that I'll set it for just over 42 weeks BUT "I'm going to see you tomorrow." I knew Z would be born tomorrow. I didn't know it at all as soon as I knew the date for Joshua, but eventually I figured it out.
So all day long on January 6th I had been having what I thought were contractions. They were very regularly 9 minutes apart but then stopped when we got to the doctor, which I assumed they would because I learned about how stress of anything can slow down the labor process. After the doctor appointment I asked J if we could walk the big hills around the office and we did. That set things into motion again. Now it was most definitely contractions still 9 minutes apart. I had questioned if I should just ask the doctor to admit me then and let me labor there but I didn't think he would let me at that far apart. We walked the local grocery store hoping maybe it would speed things up but it didn't so we continued home. After the hour drive home contractions were 7-8 minutes apart and I really started to think we need to turn back around NOW in order to make it back before dark... otherwise if it quickly progressed and Ihad to go in later that night, someone else would have to drive us because J can't drive in the dark. So we picked up a sandwich, stopped home and very quickly said hi to JJ, and turned back around. By the time we drove that hour back contractions were 3-4 minutes apart and I was dilated 3-4 centimeters (which that part really means nothing but it was a guideline of how quickly it went from there). I changed into my labor gown, contacted my doula, and disinfected my hospital room... yep. This was around 6pm and it's around when labor soon sped up.
This labor and delivery went very different than with JJ. Labor with JJ was a blur. With Z, in the beginning, the contractions were painful but spread apart enough I could focus. So in between we played a game. Once it got bad enough that ended. I labored around the room but this time wanted very hands off. With JJ I needed lots of pressure on my back and physical support. With Z I actually told J not to touch me, it was too much, too intense. What I needed this time was verbal affirmations and that made all the difference. I moved around more on my own but was also very exhausted. I didn't use the labor tub, I don't even know if one was available this time, but it didn't appeal to me at all. After about 6 hours of active labor (it was about 12-13 hours of active labor with JJ) I was asked to be checked again and hesitated but said ok. Then I was 8-9 centimeters dilated and I was absolutely shocked it went that quickly. Transition for JJ was so much more intense than with Z. Shortly after, my doctor came in and said I could start pushing. I wasn't quite ready but I was definitely ready for him to be here... almost. It was about 11:40 pm and I said to my doctor (not sure how I was still joking in the amount of pain I was in) "Can you come back in 5-7 minutes?" My doctor responded saying "you're trying to have this baby tomorrow aren't you?" Yep, yep I am. So he returned in approximately 5-7 minutes and we started (Ok, I started) pushing. P.a.i.n.f.u.l! Pushing with JJ wasn't really painful, I mean it was incredibly hard and I was incredibly tired but the painful part was pretty much over at that point. Pushing with Z HURT! And we would soon find out why. After 1.5 hours (It was 3 hours with JJ) Z came out at 1:43 AM, at 10 POUNDS 3 ounces!! Ahhh!! And 22 inches long! He was over 100% for both height and weight. No wonder my stomach was so big this time!
Oh by the way, it's a boy! But we totally knew it. I loved how we found out though. We didn't plan any certain way for it to happen besides making sure no one said anything before birth. Well when he came out, they placed him on me and I realized no one said anything. I looked down and saw it and said "It's a boy!" I was happy. I. was. happy. My little blessing was here. And I was so in love with him already! I looked to J and said "We did it!" Pretty sure I did it, but in the moment I included him, because WE did it- we brought this little blessing into the world and we became a bigger family with more love to share and give. We did it.
I was thankful to have my 1-2 hours of bonding time right after with Z all nuzzled up on my chest. And that night he was an amazing little baby sleeping well for me throughout the night in between nursing. Then we had our scare. The next day he was jaundice and had to be put in the light machine. I broke down- 1 for him and his little body going through that- crying for us to hold him when we couldn't. 2- for JJ at home and us being away from him for multiple days in a row when he's never been left more than a night before and didn't understand the reason behind all this, we couldn't just easily explain it to him. Well, after a night in the light machine they checked his levels again and they went down! So they were going to let us both go home. We packed up our bags, J put them in the car, we put Z in his car seat and the nurse came in to check him. Z had turned red and stopped breathing for a few seconds! We quickly loosened him but the nurse said let's do a car seat challenge to make sure he can safely make it home. I was hoping the 15-20 minute delay wouldn't affect anything (J driving home before dark) but it did. He failed it. So then they wanted to do a chest x-ray to make sure nothing was wrong with his heart or lungs. My heart sank. Exposed to x-rays this young? Heart? Lungs? How am I the mom of a little one going through this? I was the one with health problems, it should be me, not him. Thankfully, praise Jesus, the x-ray was normal! So then they wanted to do a 1.5 hour car seat challenge. As soon as I walked in I started crying again. This poor thing just born and has to be taken away from his mama so much left alone in machines and car seats, but the worst was seeing his oxygen drop so low- the lowest I saw was 84% and that really scared me. He already failed just minutes into the test, but they said we had to keep going to show the doctor the full results. I hated that. I kept asking if his oxygen dropping that low was going to affect his brain, heart or anything else. That seemed so dangerous. I was assured, kind of, that that quick amount of time it dropped wouldn't do any damage. I can only hope that is correct. Long story short, Z had to stay overnight again this time in the nursery hooked up to an ox-sat meter to see how he did laying flat overnight. Fortunately it stayed fairly ok. So they thought the reason is just because he is dropping his head in the car seat and if they could prop him up it could be ok. So after 3 failed car seat challenges and placing swaddle blankets around him (which doesn't exactly sound safe either) we passed and we're able to take him home.
We had been away from home other than that quick stop after my doctor's appointment, from Monday morning until Friday late afternoon. My sweet JJ. I couldn't wait to get home to him. JJ was a bit of a mess too- he didn't know what to make of this bringing Z home. He started crying, I think he was scared and confused. Lots of hugs and cuddles and he started to warm up to him. The big brother gifts he got probably helped too lol. Since then, he's warmed up more but been a bit jealous. He wants grandma to hold Z, not mommy or daddy. He tells us Z's diaper is stinky a lot and then throws us tons of diapers. He tries to pick Z up so we have to keep a close eye on him. But the best of it is holding my two little ones both in my arms in the rocking chair. My arms are full but so is my heart with love for them.
Speaking of me, I've done much better this time. It helped not having so many people around all at once in the beginning. I was overwhelmed with JJ. It was also very weird for me having JJ when I already had a stepdaughter. You see, most couples get to be excited for that first child together- bring home that first child with no other children in the house- adapt to learning to raise a kid together, have family excited for it being their child's first time having a child. But that wasn't us. J had been through all that and I hadn't. It was hard to bond with JJ or even feel like he was my own and that feeling was really hard. This time it's come more naturally and easier bonding with Z- he feels like he's mine this time. What also has helped is my initial recovery hasn't been nearly as hard or bad. After JJ, I could barely breathe and I was really sick. His labor, delivery and after was all a blur. With Z I was very alert, aware and walked probably after about 2 hours. I still had some breathing trouble but not the extent of with JJ. It's probably because both labor and pushing were half the amount of time this time around, and I knew what to expect and prepared for it- I ate some throughout labor and drank my orange juice to avoid blood sugar dropping immediately after. Oh by the way I got my natural labor, I didn't even have an IV placed this time!
But I think my adjustment and most difficult time is going to come here soon, after. I've already been doing too much and need to slow down. My mom has been a huge help staying with us, pretty much taking care of JJ for us as J works and I attempt to get little amounts of sleep in between nursing, changing and bonding with Z. JJ is going to have a bit of a shock when neither grandma is here anymore. He's getting so much 1 on 1 attention right now but once it's just us, my time is going to need to be more shared. I'm going to be stretched as I adapt to this that's for sure. It's going to be so hard not having family around, really it's just us. But I'm also excited... excited to see these 2 grow up together, excited to have our first excursion out as a family (after flu season!), excited even to see how I manage (but you know, pray for me with that please!).
So lastly, the hospital stay. Ugh. I'd like to say it was great but it wasn't. That was the one thing that went better with JJ than with Z. See the hospital I had JJ merged with the hospital I had Z so now they are one but two separate locations. They said most of the nurses were the same, but I must have had different ones. I had a few good ones with Z but overall they were much nicer with JJ. And the food was said to be better where I had Z but I remember it much better where I had JJ. The caf was actually being remodeled with Z so there was barely anything for J to eat and the hours were not very convenient. Lastly, the gift shop didn't have flowers. Ok, that's like no big deal, but J and my dad got me flowers after with JJ but there was nothing available for J after Z. A girl likes her flowers lol.
We're now just over 2 weeks postpartum and it's gotten harder instead of easier. Z has been nursing about every hour through the day and every 1-4 overnight. I like those long stretches of sleep but even when Z does, it's hard for me to sleep. Insomnia is back. And it's caused a horrible headache these past few days. Plus we've been trying to get so much done. I'm glad it'll all be done and out of the way- SS card, birth certificate, bank account, baby book, etc etc. as my brain doesn't rest til I get my work out of the way- but it's been exhausting. So now, when I finish typing this, which was on my own to do list, I have one last thing I want to do before I can rest. Then I'll be ready to rest- just in time for when my mom is heading out soon... I'm thinking that rest won't come for at least a few years now. So God, provide the strength and energy needed. For as I said out loud during labor- "it's not my strength, but Yours. I need You Lord."
Thank you all for reading if you made it this far, and for your continued support and prayers. 💓 Love to all!
No comments:
Post a Comment