I have questioned writing this for a while. I don't really use this blog anymore. But, as I've done for every baby, I've wanted to do for this one, sharing the story during pregnancy and later the birth.
So, as anyone reading this probably already knows by now, we're pregnant again! Now let me step back in time for a moment.
Prior to becoming a Christian, 10 years ago, I didn't really want kids. Once I became a Christian, I absolutely opened that door. After marrying my husband, that solidified that I really did want kids, but I didn't really think it was possible because of several reasons. Well, surprise, we had Joshua. I remember immediately after the birth I told J "ok, we don't have to have anymore!" That was only because that labor was so incredibly painful and difficult and long. Well, surprise, pregnant with Gideon, but he went directly to be with Jesus in heaven. After that I really wanted another, I really wanted Joshua to have a sibling close in age. Though we weren't really on the same page with that yet, surprise, pregnant with Z. And while there are many moments that are quite the challenge and test my patience, I am so glad God blessed our family with him.
So here's the thing next to no one knows. When I was pregnant with Z, before he was even earthside with us, I had this vision. It was of 2 boys and 1 girl. I could not get that out of my head. Was that about our two sons and J's daughter? It felt not. Did God want us to have more? Shutting the door on it completely felt like I would be saying no to God. I couldn't do that. It felt wrong. No matter my desires, it's His will not mine. No matter my abilities or strength, it's His power not mine. I had to leave that door open. But over time, I inched closer to worldly pressures more and more. I finally agreed I would sell or donate baby items and maternity clothes, and I did.
Literally about a month after selling and donating nearly every baby and maternity thing I had, we went on our belated 5 year anniversary trip to the beach. On the way back, I actually joked to J that it was the first time we were at the beach together without a baby in me. Well..... wrong! About 2 weeks after returning from the beach guess what, surprise, positive pregnancy test!
Honestly, my initial reaction was fear. This world is nuts. I don't want to bring another baby into it. Why now? Why me? God is this really what you want? Is this really happening again? And then the selfish thoughts... I don't want to go through the whole baby stage again- the sleepless nights, nursing with mastitis, blow out diapers, potential of colic again, etc. But I reminded myself, this isn't about me. I reminded myself of the vision I previously had. And I reminded myself of this, which still to this day I find crazy...
Shortly before that beach trip, on some random day, out of nowhere. Joshua blurted this out to me: "God told me I'm going to have a baby sissy soon." Wait, what? Joshua, what? Did God really say that? Are you making that up? When? You know that means I would need to have a baby in me right? Well, ever since then he kept saying it. He insisted it would happen. And it did, as a surprise to us. How did he know before we did? Even if it's not a girl and he's wrong about gender, it's still kind of crazy. Like, gives me goosebumps crazy.
Fast forward to after finding out I was pregnant, and we hadn't told the kids yet. Now randomly Z points to my belly and says "baby!"
Well, finally we told the kids. Joshua was SO excited, I mean, capturing his face on camera was absolutely priceless. He now calls this "my baby," meaning his baby. He literally cries if he wants to "see" or "hug" his baby and I'm busy at the time. Let's hope he's this loving once baby arrives here!
So, this pregnancy has been... rough! By far the hardest of my pregnancies. Maybe because I'm older. Maybe for other reasons that other women are also having the hardest pregnancies they've had also. I read back on what I mentioned while pregnant with Z and oddly I don't remember much of that. But this time I was so super nauseated every single day and night nearly 24-7 from weeks 6-14. It literally kept me awake feeling so sick. And I was absolutely beyond exhausted. So much so it affected how often I did really anything at all. So many days I allowed more video time than I would prefer for the boys, or just had them cuddle with me on the couch. I felt horrible but was in survival mode. I had and still have food aversions to nearly everything. I used to plan the weekly menu, and this time around I could barely think about the next meal of the day. I've been eating whatever sounds tolerable at any given meal. At the same time, I've already gained so much weight I feel like a whale. This one is rough! On a positive note, I'm not really getting zits this time around, but that's mainly because they've already come and just stayed there, lol.
So, back to gender. I'm inclined to say Joshua is probably wrong. At this point I feel like it's just not even possible for us to have a girl together. Medically speaking, with timing and location of placenta, it's probably another boy. And the honest truth is literally all of us want a girl this time. Everyone knows I want my own daughter to birth and raise and watch grow and do all those girly things with. But after having 2 loud and wild boys, even J said he'd prefer a girl this time, to maybe bring a little more peace and quiet to such a loud house. Don't get me wrong, we love our boys, but I don't think people are thinking straight when they say boys are easier to raise than girls. 😬 Joshua of course REALLY wants and believes he's getting a sissy. And Jeremy's daughter has wanted a girl ever since the first time I was pregnant. Z, well, I don't think he really knows what's about to happen here. But, it's in God's hands. It does often make me question how I can have such a strong desire go unfullfilled when God says he will give the desires of your heart if your heart aligns with His. Does mine not? Am I too selfish with this? I don't know, probably. Still, it's a desire, and it's strong. Still again, I and we will love this baby regardless.
People say you will know when you're done having kids. All along, after every baby and loss, I've never felt that peace or clarity. I haven't felt done at all. More importantly, I haven't felt God is done... until this one. Something has changed now. I finally feel that peace. I finally feel that closure. This is our last one. This is our finale baby. This baby completes our family regardless of gender or anything else. This is it.
Another odd thing about that is this... both boys birthdays have only the numbers of 1s, 2s and 7s in them (and 0 for the year). Well, J's fav number or whatever you want to call it is 17. Mine is 2. Crazy enough, this baby is due in July (month 7) of 2022. So it very well could be another round of 1s, 2s, and 7s! 7-1-22 or 7-11-22 or 7-17-22. Maybe its not, but the possibilty of it makes it all so weird. Literally if we were to have any more kids after this the possibility of having a child with a birthday of only 1s, 2s, and 7s (and 0), doesn't exist until I would be too old to have them. Ok, now that I've made you think I'm crazy, I'll come back to reality here...
I am blessed. We are blessed. Of course it will be hard, a challenge, test our patience, stress us out, financially stretch us... but every baby is a blessing. Now that the nausea has improved and I have slightly more energy, I'm trying to enjoy this last pregnancy. I'm excited to hopefully soon start feeling baby kick. In a month we will probably find out gender so I can prepare again, since I really have nothing, and the clothes I do have are opposite seasons! I'm trying not to think of what the world might look like by July, but instead focus on this baby and more importantly on God getting us through this. Faith over fear, always.
Prayers appreciated for health, baby's health, safety, and a peace about whatever happens or wherever God leads us. Thank you Lord for allowing me to experience pregnancy one more time, and entrusting us to raise up another one of Your children. 💗
Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; Jeremiah 1:5
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