God speaks

Hi everyone. This may sound weird, but I just felt a voice within telling me to blog. I don't really know what I'm supposed to write about so I'll just starting writing. I guess I'll start with a little update. (ps. and then a thought hit me so I typed it but included it as the last paragraph... oh the build up... read on... haha)

So my INR (blood clotting level basically) needs to be within 2-3 to be therapeutic. Fridays level was 3.0. That scared me a little bit since it got to the highest end. The higher it is the more your chance for bleeding risk. So they had me take half a tablet 2 days and normal tablet the rest of the days. I had it checked again yesterday and it was 2.2. I guess that worked. But I'm not a big fan of that. I'd rather go to 4mg instead of the 5mg I'm on... because now they don't want to test again until Monday... trying to spread out my visits further and further. But if it went down because I took half a tablet and now I'm back to a full tablet I'm wondering what it will be in a week. I might try to get it checked Friday instead. Eh, do not fear and trust in God. Ok ok I'll listen to my own advice.

Monday-Tuesday this week I wore the 24 hour holter monitor. Results will be reported to my doctor in 4-7 business days. Then I have the echo next Friday. I'm sure I'll find out all the answers after that. He wants to see exactly what is going on before setting me up with a cardiologist because of specialties within the specialty aka different types of cardiologists. Please pray its nothing incredibly serious. Heart surgery is not on my to do list nor do I want it to be.

The rest of this week I have a visit with my surgeon I guess just to make sure everything is healing ok, and then an initial visit with a hematologist at a different hospital. They tried to set me up at the hospital I was inpatient and I said to myself absolutely no way. I'm done with that place after the surgeon visit, I hope to God at least. Anyways, speaking of my surgery which kind of went under the radar after my PE diagnosis, however that is the main reason I started the blog so I should speak about it. My stitches were taken out while I was still in the hospital. It bled a little which I was concerned about being on blood thinners, but it stopped. I have 3 incision sites at least that I can tell. I thought there would be more because they said 3-4 surgery incisions and 1 chest tube site... but it looks like 3 all together. They are still red and when my clothing hugs against it it still hurts a little so I am still putting gauze there when I have to actually dress in real clothes to go out lol. But all incisions are pretty small and pretty well placed that you really aren't going to see them except when I'm in a swimsuit... and even then it's pretty well placed to not stand out unless you want to stair at the side of my chest. Job well done on that, though the visual scars were the least of my concern.

Speaking of scars, I'm hurting. I've been hurting a lot lately. Not physically as much as emotionally. The biggest scar is the one unseen on my heart. God I pray for healing on all accounts. This is hard. I appreciate the continued support by everyone on what I am unable to speak of here.

This goes back to another post where I talked about being positive vs. being negative. I was thinking more about that. How can having a chronic illness and going through even so much more than that be positive? Well, through attitude. But an outward even inward attitude on a situation doesn't mean that inside you aren't incredibly hurting. Again, to say you're not and to be 100% positive is just lying to yourself and everyone around you. Why do I feel the need to censor myself when I'm down. I want to blog about it, post about it, call out for help... and yet I stop and I don't. Why? Because of responses in the past. Responses that discouraged me from fully expressing myself, responses that really brought me down, responses that ridiculed me for saying anything negative. I shouldn't have to censor myself like that. I'm trying my best to be positive and it's better seen than read here. Like I said writing is my escape so I should be able to write about the negative because those are the times I am in need of writing the most. I can speak of positive at any time but those aren't the times I NEED to write to get it out. So if you see more negative than positive that's why. And yet again I find myself explaining myself when I shouldn't have to. So maybe I'll try it from here on. Maybe I'll start blogging whenever I need to as opposed to censoring myself. I'm trying to promote awareness of MG but at the moment MG is kind of behind the scenes to my PE and heart. I guess those who care and those who want to know will still continue to read.

Did you ever wonder if what you say affects another person? Not as in if it hurts them or helps them specifically, but if perhaps words came out of your mouth purely for the sake of another? That perhaps God is using you as a messenger to deliver His word? I was once told don't keep anything in, if you're going to say something say it. Why? Because of that very purpose. You don't want to deny God or a blessing he is bringing upon another through you. Like I said before, be that blessing. Be that blessing. Wow, I just realized this goes back also to when I said if I had my way nothing would be hidden. Good or bad, maybe someone needs to learn from that experience. Maybe someone needs to hear it. And like a puzzle my thoughts come together. I was thinking this probably makes no sense to anyone else, but then I thought back to the words I literally just typed. If it makes sense to one person, speaks to one person, maybe I served my purpose at the moment. Live it. Live in faith. Live for Him because He died for YOU. Love. That is love. God is love. Amen to that. Woo that just went off on a tangent. No apologies for speaking the good word though. Again, if you don't like what I have to say you don't have to read it, but, I hope you do. I really hope you do. God bless.

I guess that's all for now :)