Expanding on my thoughts

Whoa... 3 blog posts in 3 days... on a roll here.

Yesterday I ended in talking about how I know some people are going to find the post depressing or negative, and thus I said, then don't read it. Here's the thing... I stand by my words that I intend for it to be positive, however... even if it is negative, even if it is depressing, so what? Why? If I'm going to take the time to blog why would I edit my own internal thoughts to only tell half the story, only the positive side? I'm not. I'm not one to lie or hide anything, like I said before if I had it my way nothing would be hidden. I'm going to tell it like it is, and what and how I feel. No one's life is 100% positive or good all the time. No one. If you think it is you're probably lying to yourself, you're probably bottling up feelings inside that will one day come exploding out. I'm not going to let that happen. I'm going to release those feelings, and since I can no longer run or play basketball or use my punching bag or even get out on my own... I'm going to write. It's my release.

That leads to my next thought. My initial and still present intent for this blog was to keep family and friends updated as well as spread awareness of this horrible disease. It's going to include the ups, the downs, the good, the bad, and everything in between including how I'm feeling in that moment. If it didn't then it wouldn't be fair to any other MGers, family or friends, reading this who want to learn the full extent of what this life entails. I hope people can see through the bad moments into the fact that I'm still pushing through it and that's what we all need to do. There will be negative moments, negative experiences, negative reactions... it will be really tough at times... but keeping your mind focused on the positive will get you through it. But that doesn't mean every word I write has to be positive. It means no matter what the struggle, having that positive outlook to return to will be a saving grace for getting me through it.

If you don't want to hear the bad stuff, I suggest just staying away, because when you have a chronic illness there is bound to be a lot of bad stuff. But I do encourage everyone not to stay away. Read my blog and stay in my life. I've said before I could really use the support. Here's the thing... many people run the other way or shut the door when something like this happens. It's already happened, and it hurts. Maybe some people can't deal with it, or don't want to deal with it, or who knows what the reasoning is. But as hard as it might be for you dealing with a change due to what I'm going through- remember, I'm the one going through it. Some will think it's no big deal because they've been through worse. God bless you for getting through it. Some will think it's unbelievable the strength I have to keep going. God bless you too for thinking so highly of me. Just remember everything is relative. For me, this is incredibly hard because all my life I was healthy and had everything I could need. Now I feel it's all being taken away piece by piece and it's hard to reform what is left into what I need to keep going. In addition to God, what I need is you. Yeah, you. All of you, we all serve a purpose...

See there are so many people I met through my life but they kind of came and went, we parted ways. And now I'm reconnecting with so many. We find common ground whether it be relating to an autoimmune disease, a heart problem, chronic health condition, getting through something incredibly difficult, losing something or someone, etc. It's as if God introduced us at the moment that was available knowing there would be a time such as now that I couldn't get out and meet those people- so they would already be there waiting for that re-connection. Thank you all who have been those people.

And then there are many many others whom I was close with and seem like that closeness is departing. Like I mentioned in the last post, having to go through something like this does change you and your perspective on life and such. It's not that I want to lose those relationships/friendships, but it is harder to relate. A lot of friends are married having children and moving up in their careers... that gives less and less to relate to. But, a true friendship/relationship will last in testing times...

If someone runs at first opportunity to do so, at the moment times become challenging, were they ever really a true friend to begin with? Being there just when it's fun or convenient, I don't think is really a friendship/relationship... it's kind of selfish to be honest. And I say that to myself as well. I've done the same, I know, and I'm sorry. It's not until you are put into a life altering scenario such as this that you realize that. And now I can't be there for others in the exact way that I want or have the energy for... but I can try my best to be there how I can, and that's all I ask of anyone else too. Let's be there for one another. We're all put on this earth for a reason. We're all given certain and different gifts/qualities. Let those gifts/qualities shine through. Be a blessing. Be the miracle you're hoping for yourself, for when you give to others you'll receive so much more in return. I know it, I just know it. Just like I knew I had something wrong in my chest. Intuition... God's voice... it exists.

And just like a cassette tape (remember those?) comes to an end... as have my thoughts, for now. I think God sends me a message to speak about and when I get it out then its just time to wait for another one to come along. What message are you putting out there?