If you haven't yet read part 1, you can here.
What I'm about to say next is going to be very sensitive and somewhat graphic. Discretion is strongly advised before considering reading. The topic is pregnancy loss.
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Today is Saturday, a week since what I'm about to say happened. I've been working on writing this for a while but I've just been unable to finish. Where I left off was the natural process of physically losing Gideon was starting to take place. This was over a week ago Thursday.
Through all this I've been battling how do I work through letting go of Gideon while also maintaining a focus on my son who's alive and with me? I can say it's been Joshua motivating me to get out of bed each morning. I have to carry on because I have him. When this all started one of the top things in my mind was my poor Joshua! His birthday was Friday and I wanted so very much to give him a good birthday, the best we could at least. When all this happened I was determined if nothing else I would still bake him a cake and get him a balloon but the celebration could happen any time as long as I could wish him a happy birthday on his actual birthday. Thankfully God allowed us this time. I not only baked a cake and got a balloon with the help of my husband, but we still managed to take him out to lunch as planned, and do gifts with him, and Facetime family.
I was determined to place my entire focus on Joshua that day. And I did for the most part. But when the time came to put him into bed and his birthday was officially over as far as celebrating, my heart sunk back into sadness. My sweet Gideon.
God answered our prayers, allowing us that day with Joshua. Then Saturday arrived. I don't remember what the morning entailed, but what I do remember is this- Somewhere around 7/7:30 I started feeling contractions, as if I was going into labor. It very quickly progressed from what felt like bad cramping to full on active labor. I'm not sure J knew what was going on as we were watching a show and as he continued to watch the show I got up and started laboring through the pain that was getting worse and worse... walking, on all fours, groaning through it, rocking... J said "why don't you try to get some sleep." "Yeah right" I think was my response. There was no way I was sleeping through this. At that point I think I moved from the bed to the bathroom and continued to labor through the remainder there. It was SO rough. Not only the pain, which literally felt the same as when I had Joshua, but the emotions. I had no idea I'd actually have to go through labor for this, but to have to labor through this and then not have a baby in the end? Oh my heart. At one point the pain slowed down and I thought I passed the baby. I looked at what I thought was the baby (I later on realized was a clot) and I completely broke down. I slid down to the floor bawling my eyes out starting to hyperventilate. I literally told J to help me breathe because I couldn't.
And then it started back up. I realized this happened with Joshua also. I said this isn't over yet. All of a sudden my water broke! I never felt that with Joshua but it was insane! Like a water balloon popping inside me. And when that happened, I said "I think our baby just came out." And all the pain was suddenly gone. I looked down and there he was, our sweet tiny little baby, as well as the placenta. Again I seriously had NO idea it would be like this- it was just like having a live baby only quicker. At that point my focus was shifted toward saving Gideon's little body, which I managed to do.
But once I did that, the bleeding only got worse, much worse. Baseball size clot after clot after clot. I went from the bathroom to the bedroom, back and forth, once or twice even laying down attempting to sleep. But I actually feared if I fell asleep I might not wake up from the amount of blood loss. In my head I pondered calling an ambulance. But we were having a horrible freezing rain/ice/sleet/snow storm and around here no one is prepared for something like that. J couldn't drive at night nor would I even let him drive in that weather especially with Joshua in the car with us. I wondered if we should call someone, but it was nearly 1 AM now. J was trying to sleep and I was trying to let him. But finally I said "I think we need to call 911. You know I wouldn't do this unless I felt my life was at risk." And I called. I've never called 911 before. I handed the phone to J telling the guy on the other side that I needed to get ready to leave. But instead they made me lay down and had J push on my lower stomach to help the bleeding. It felt like eternity when the ambulance finally arrived about 25 minutes later.
The one guy asked if we had the baby and when I said yes, he said they had to take it. I yelled ABSOLUTELY NOT! YOU ARE NOT TAKING MY BABY! I told him if that was what had to happen to take me to the hospital that I refused to leave the house and would bleed to death here if I had to. I know that sounds crazy especially to someone who hasn't been through this, but I would absolutely not give up my baby's body knowing there was a chance that he would be discarded as medical waste. I've heard too many horrible stories. After he spent a long while on the phone with the hospital he told me they said ok they will just have to do an ultrasound to confirm I passed the baby then. I said THAT'S PERFECTLY FINE, CAN WE LEAVE YET?! I was starting to have trouble breathing and my blood pressure was dropping very low. I could hear them talking about how pale I was and how much blood I was losing.
The problem was the weather. The local hospital apparently wouldn't take me because of my multiple health issues. They feared if they took me there and something went wrong I actually would end up dying there because at that point there would be no way to transport me to another hospital. So instead they had to take me the normally 30 minute drive to the hospital in another town. J would have been allowed to come with me but Joshua being a baby could not. Plus the weather. J asked if I wanted him to find someone to bring them and I said no, please stay home and keep Joshua safe. As they rolled me out the door into the snow I looked at J and grabbed his hand one more time. He rarely cries but I saw his eyes filling with tears. That's what told me this is serious. He later told me he was scared he was going to lose me. My heart sunk. I had no idea. He was worried about me but I was worried about them. I didn't have any milk pumped and Joshua still nurses around the clock. My poor baby and J having to care for him.
The 30 minute drive took over an hour as the ambulance had to travel 20 mph on the interstate in order to transport me safely. The guy kept taking my vitals and kept updating the hospital. All the while I was praying not for my health but for our safety to get there and for Joshua to be ok without me. God answered our prayers again.
Finally we arrived safely to the hospital around 2:45 am. It seemed as soon as they learned I had MG they all kind of stepped back and didn't want to do anything to me fearing they could make me worse. So instead I received about 7 bags of IV fluids counting the many they gave me in the ambulance, and oxygen, and was monitored. I watched as the more fluids I got the more my blood pressure and oxygen went up. But honestly, though the doctors and nurses there were kind, they were very inattentive. I could go on and on about that but it's not worth it. Point is at one point I had to press the call button more times than I could count and wait at least 30 minutes to have someone help me to use the bathroom! That is insane! They weren't even busy. I heard them all talking and laughing right there. And I also asked for a pump so I wouldn't get mastitis and it took them hours upon hours to finally bring it. When they did the nurse said she had no idea how to use it, after I said I needed someone to help because I'd never used one before. So she told me just to use the manual one... the manual one that you yourself have to squeeze over and over and over... to a person with Myasthenia Gravis. When my IV stopped I asked for something to drink because my mouth was so dry. That finally arrived hours later. It was ridiculous.
Morning, well 7 AM, rolled around and they talked about letting me go. The next issue was again the weather. There was no way J could drive to come get me, no way that car would make it. So I actually posted on Facebook asking if anyone with a 4 wheel drive car would be willing to come get me. Thankfully multiple people offered and kindly a couple from church picked me up! The doctors tested my blood levels again before leaving and said it was under normal range but not too far under. They questioned letting me go or not but I told them I had to get home to nurse my baby. And so we left. I was really weak and tipping, as I call it, which is when I get really weak and my muscles give out. The roads were still pretty horrible. But God answered our prayers again.
Finally I was home with my husband and baby. I couldn't wait to nurse him and just sit with my husband just to be with him. So hard being without them alone in a hospital, knowing they couldn't get to me because of the weather. We had originally planned to take Joshua out for his first experience in the snow but I tossed that to the back of my mind. I was very weak, still a little dizzy, and told to rest for a week or so. Yet J suggested we still do that. He set out a chair for me and he did all the work of getting Joshua ready and building him a snowman. Thankful for that little moment that I still got to be a part of with them.
This past Monday arrived and I said we need to contact the funeral home. I don't want my baby's body to decay in front of my eyes. I am so incredibly thankful the funeral home here will help out families who lost babies who weren't full term. Before the funeral home director came over to take Gideon's body, we took some pictures holding him. I then placed his body in a tiny little box and put a bow on it. Though I won't get to meet him til heaven, he was our gift this year. God answered another prayer- I am incredibly thankful though losing him so early, I was still able to see him and hold him and place him to rest. My sweet Gideon.
It's both amazing and sad to me that for most people this early, they never hear a heartbeat and they never get to see or hold their baby's body. Most people this early typically just bleed and don't quite know where the baby came out in all that. But I prayed God would allow me to do this as naturally as possible because for me that's what would help bring closure. And He did- labor, water breaking, delivery my baby completely in tact, holding him and being able to lay him to rest.
The funeral director walked in the house and I instantly broke down in tears. I couldn't even say hi. She gave me a hug and said she was so sorry. All that went through my mind was why are we doing this? Parents aren't supposed to lay their child to rest, it's supposed to be the other way around. So many tears. So much crying. I went and got Gideon, I handed him over and fell into J's arms. The last time I will ever hold him until heaven. My sweet Gideon.
Prior to then I debated back and forth what to do with our Gideon's body- burial, cremation, I had no idea. The thought of handing him over caused me so much pain. But the thought of burring him caused confusion. How could we do that here, in a house we don't own, where we possibly may not live forever? How would I be able to visit him? And so I suggested and we came to the conclusion we would have him cremated and later possibly plant a tree in memory of him. So later that day we drove over to the funeral home. We walked in. Joshua was my little distraction. Oh how thankful I am for this little guy. We had to sign papers and pick out an urn. Why are we having to do this? Why? I couldn't fathom looking at an urn and being reminded of death, but when we walked in there this heart popped out to me, a tiny green heart. That to me, would make me think of love. J agreed and that's what we decided on.
Then Tuesday arrived. This was the day of my follow up. Another hour drive to my doctor. I prayed so much that everything had passed and I didn't need any medical intervention. But the other thought that hit me was the drive, the hour drive. Up til now this drive was a positive memory- every time we drove there and back for Joshua, driving there and back for the previous appointment for Gideon. Now it was a sad one. For some reason we decided we would first go to another town to pick up lunch. That resulted in the drive there being a different route than usual. As silly as it sounds, that helped me. And then the wait in the doctor's office. Looking around at all those bellys, I should have soon had one. Seeing everyone so happy, so cheerful, no one knew the pain that was inside me. We went to the room and the doctor soon came in. He took out the ultrasound and there it was... nothing. Nothing inside my uterus. How do I handle that moment? It's a prayer answered but that prayer was only prayed due to loss. I never wanted to lose this baby but since it happened I had prayed it would all happen naturally, and it did. So I guess again, God answered another prayer.
We left that office and drove home. We didn't even talk. How could we? What was there even to say? This was so hard, a pain I never imagined. There were so many calls and texts that night. Of course we had to update everyone, well J did. I still haven't been able to talk. This again just hurt me. To others it would now appear that this process was over, completed, moving on. But I wasn't. I was still, I was hurt, I wasn't moving. I still dealt with the physical aspect of all this, would still deal with bleeding for a while just like after birth, but the emotional side was even harder. But again, God answered a prayer- having people from church reach out and offer us a meal. So very needed at this time. I couldn't begin to think about cooking and J will admit that's not one of his specialties.
Wednesday- the funeral director contacted J to let us know Gideon's remains were ready. Later that day she drove them over to us. She handed me that green heart and I again broke down crying. Would the tears, would the pain, ever end?
Thursday I told J I need a day for just us. I need to shut off the world and do nothing, just be, with my husband. When Joshua took a nap we rested, we watched shows, we just- existed. But my pain, my grief was turning into anger, one of the stages of it. I had so much anger, even hatred inside me. So what would have been a relaxing day turned into being very stressful. I was really hurting, and I know J is in his own way. I didn't sleep that night.
Friday, yesterday, I said again I just want to focus on Joshua today. I can't let Joshua miss out on things because of me. I've been wanting to take him to get his 1 year pictures but kept putting it off. So we spontaneously went and did that. J and I were in a few of the pictures. Having to smile when I wasn't smiling on the inside seemed fake but I reminded myself this is for Joshua. J wanted to go to lunch with his daughter and so we faced a dilemma. I still wasn't ready to see anyone, and as harsh as others may think this sounds, I especially wasn't ready to see her. She would remind me of what I wouldn't have, another child. I encouraged J to see her, but now that Joshua and I were in the car with him what do we do. I again shifted my focus to Joshua. Before all this happened we were supposed to go out to lunch, the 4 of us, to celebrate his birthday. And so that's what I decided, as incredibly hard as it was, this day was again for Joshua. We picked up J's daughter and as I saw her walking to the car the tears began. I mustered up a short hi. She already knew what happened and J probably already asked her to be sensitive to that. But now what? I had no idea what to do, how to act, who to be. I just lost a child and now I'm in a car with another one. I can't describe these feelings but they were very hard.
But that lunch turned out to be what we all needed. Sweet Joshua and celebrating his birthday, now a week later. We ordered our food, Joshua ate half of mine, so in turn I ate half of everyone else's. Joshua opened up his gift from my stepdaughter and acted like he wanted to eat it, as he tries to do with everything. We talked, we even talked about Gideon, and how they now both have a brother in heaven. We then drove her back to school and head home. It was a relief that that was over but it felt good to do that for my husband. I know most of the focus has been on me and what I've needed, and I know he needed this, HIS whole family now together.
Well today is Saturday, and I'm sure tonight will be hard. Remembering a week ago passing Gideon, holding Gideon, later handing over Gideon. How much love I have for such a tiny little baby who's first breath will be breathed in heaven, who's eyes will open only in heaven, who's remains are all we have with us. Gideon Michael James I will forever, til the day I get to meet you, I will forever miss and love you. My heart will always have a spot missing and that spot is you.
Saturday, December 15, 2018
Wednesday, December 12, 2018
Grieving our Gideon
Again I think my hope here in writing this is 1. Writing is my outlet, to express myself openly and freely as part of my own grieving process. 2. To give/receive support by relating to others who have gone through this. 3. To allow others who haven't experienced this to learn the depths of what we go through. This is such a silent thing and I'm breaking the silence. If you don't agree, please just consider not reading this.
I may just be projecting this onto people, I probably am. But now that Gideon has passed through me I feel like people think the process is over, it's time to move on. The problem is, for me it's only just beginning. Now that Gideon is officially gone, I'm officially lost, hurting, angry, confused, etc. I'll later tell the rest of the story of what has happened since my last post about losing Gideon, but for now I cannot.
Yesterday into today I've been dealing with a lot of anger. And it's nothing against any of you, it's not even about you. It's just me... grieving our Gideon. Anger is a stage of grief and I'm definitely going through it. Everything is making me angry...
- Angry first and foremost that our Gideon is no longer with us
- Angry no one in our family lives close enough to physically be with us (again NOTHING against these people, I absolutely understand circumstances, I'm just expressing my anger within)
- Angry the dumb keurig messed up my coffee this morning making me waste a k-cup (ridiculous I know)
- Angry my son was acknowledged by less people for his birthday than my stepdaughter is, making me feel as if he's less important
- Angry I still haven't gotten my son his first birthday pictures
- Angry Joshua is missing out on all my attention right now
- Angry I have no idea what Christmas will look like now, possibly spent alone with just the 3 of us
- Angry if we don't travel for Christmas this year the next time we even could based on my stepdaughters schedule is 2 years from now and Joshua will be 3 by then
- Angry my son is missing out on so much
- Angry last night that Joshua went to bed later and I got no time alone with my husband
- Angry when I dropped a raisin and couldn't find it
- Angry in my dreams and upon waking up
- Angry seeing the "big sister" ornaments hanging for my stepdaughter, but my son doesn't get to experience being a big brother
- Angry when we don't finish food and it gets wasted
- Angry when before the dr we stopped at chick-fil-a for lunch and I forgot to hand J the giftcard, so we spent money we didn't need to spend
- Angry when J asked when would be good to set up some meeting/work (I'm not angry at J I'm angry that life goes on for everyone, but it can't for me, at least not right now)
- Angry when I'm told to just stay positive, or focus on the good things, etc etc
- Angry when people say or act like it's "just a miscarriage"
But reeling this in to where the pain stems from, first of all, this wasn't "just a miscarriage." I hate that word to begin with, but it wasn't. The fact is the term for what I went through is a "missed miscarriage." Gideon passed away inside me without coming out. And then weeks after his passing I actually went through the labor and delivery process right here at home, passing our sweet Gideon 100% in tact. Imagine losing your baby, looking at him, holding him, and then refer to it as "just a miscarriage." It's much more than that. It's losing a child, no matter if that child lived or not, no matter how long that child was inside you. I have a baby who is now in heaven. I lost a child. And I'll discuss that in my next post, but for now I'm too angry to even touch upon it.
I think it's safe to say I'm getting angry about pretty much everything. Again, this isn't about you or against you, it's about my own process of grieving our Gideon. But what I want to do is offer suggestions as to what would help and what would not. I know people have no idea what to say or do and don't want to say or do the wrong thing, which means maybe they say or do nothing at all to avoid it. But if you've been wanting to help, and not known how, here are ideas. And if you don't, ok. And if you have already thank you SO very much. Maybe this will be helpful to others in other situations as well, I don't know but that is my hope with this.
Please don't say/do the follow- (if you've already done one of these please don't worry and don't think I'm calling you out on it. I'm not and I may not have even noticed if you already did one of these things. I'm just listing anything and everything that can or would hurt me emotionally right now.)
- "just a miscarriage"
- "focus on the positive" (grieving is natural and needs to be experienced- this is not something to just cover up)
- "you still have Joshua" (yes I do, but one child does NOT replace the other)
- calling my baby tissue or a fetus or anything other than a baby or referring to him by name, Gideon
- telling me he's an angel. maybe he is, maybe he isn't. I don't think any of us know that
- saying he's watching over me/us. Again I don't think we know that
- telling me to move on, get over it, life goes on (yes eventually it does, and in some ways now it does, but I will never fully get over the loss of a child)
- asking if we will be trying for another baby (right now I'm grieving THIS baby)
- saying we can have another child (maybe we can, maybe we can't, maybe we want to, maybe we don't, but I'm 34 and even if we did, again, one child will never replace another)
- telling me or giving the impression that it's been long enough I need to move on
- discussing or doing anything high conflict or stressful
What would help-
- bringing a meal, still, whenever
- if you are far and can't bring a meal, offering to pay for J to pick one up somewhere locally (barely anyone delivers here) is greatly appreciated so it's one less thing to worry about physically cooking and financially
- offering to watch Joshua so J and I can just get some time alone to process all this
- offering to clean a room or the house so J can get a break
- if you are friends or family who can't visit- texting, emailing or fb but being ok with not getting an immediate response or a brief response or not getting a response at all (nothing against you)
- sending some sort of books or resources on this so I have them when I'm ready for it (I found a devotional on pregnancy loss on Amazon but I can't bring myself to buy it)
- sending a card just to show you care, you don't even have to worry about writing anything in it
- listening without giving any advice
- praying is great but literally typing out a prayer to me/us through text, email, fb is even better
- flowers (I don't know what my deal is with flowers sorry)
- keeping December 8 on your calendar as the date Gideon passed through me into the world even though he already passed away- that is the day we're going with- sending a card or text or something on that day in future years to remember him with us
- being especially sensitive to me right now for a while, on every big holiday, on Mother's Day, Father's Day and his due date June 18
- realizing anything and everything can trigger a breakdown, letting that happen/accepting it as part of the grieving process
Again, nothing against anyone please don't take this personally. It's about me and my grieving process. It's normal, it's natural, it's ok. I just need to feel accepted and loved and cared about right now. J too. I know in time we'll/I'll get over this but right now it's harder than I ever imagined it to be. Thank you more than words can say to those who have been supporting us through this.
I may just be projecting this onto people, I probably am. But now that Gideon has passed through me I feel like people think the process is over, it's time to move on. The problem is, for me it's only just beginning. Now that Gideon is officially gone, I'm officially lost, hurting, angry, confused, etc. I'll later tell the rest of the story of what has happened since my last post about losing Gideon, but for now I cannot.
Yesterday into today I've been dealing with a lot of anger. And it's nothing against any of you, it's not even about you. It's just me... grieving our Gideon. Anger is a stage of grief and I'm definitely going through it. Everything is making me angry...
- Angry first and foremost that our Gideon is no longer with us
- Angry no one in our family lives close enough to physically be with us (again NOTHING against these people, I absolutely understand circumstances, I'm just expressing my anger within)
- Angry the dumb keurig messed up my coffee this morning making me waste a k-cup (ridiculous I know)
- Angry my son was acknowledged by less people for his birthday than my stepdaughter is, making me feel as if he's less important
- Angry I still haven't gotten my son his first birthday pictures
- Angry Joshua is missing out on all my attention right now
- Angry I have no idea what Christmas will look like now, possibly spent alone with just the 3 of us
- Angry if we don't travel for Christmas this year the next time we even could based on my stepdaughters schedule is 2 years from now and Joshua will be 3 by then
- Angry my son is missing out on so much
- Angry last night that Joshua went to bed later and I got no time alone with my husband
- Angry when I dropped a raisin and couldn't find it
- Angry in my dreams and upon waking up
- Angry seeing the "big sister" ornaments hanging for my stepdaughter, but my son doesn't get to experience being a big brother
- Angry when we don't finish food and it gets wasted
- Angry when before the dr we stopped at chick-fil-a for lunch and I forgot to hand J the giftcard, so we spent money we didn't need to spend
- Angry when J asked when would be good to set up some meeting/work (I'm not angry at J I'm angry that life goes on for everyone, but it can't for me, at least not right now)
- Angry when I'm told to just stay positive, or focus on the good things, etc etc
- Angry when people say or act like it's "just a miscarriage"
But reeling this in to where the pain stems from, first of all, this wasn't "just a miscarriage." I hate that word to begin with, but it wasn't. The fact is the term for what I went through is a "missed miscarriage." Gideon passed away inside me without coming out. And then weeks after his passing I actually went through the labor and delivery process right here at home, passing our sweet Gideon 100% in tact. Imagine losing your baby, looking at him, holding him, and then refer to it as "just a miscarriage." It's much more than that. It's losing a child, no matter if that child lived or not, no matter how long that child was inside you. I have a baby who is now in heaven. I lost a child. And I'll discuss that in my next post, but for now I'm too angry to even touch upon it.
I think it's safe to say I'm getting angry about pretty much everything. Again, this isn't about you or against you, it's about my own process of grieving our Gideon. But what I want to do is offer suggestions as to what would help and what would not. I know people have no idea what to say or do and don't want to say or do the wrong thing, which means maybe they say or do nothing at all to avoid it. But if you've been wanting to help, and not known how, here are ideas. And if you don't, ok. And if you have already thank you SO very much. Maybe this will be helpful to others in other situations as well, I don't know but that is my hope with this.
Please don't say/do the follow- (if you've already done one of these please don't worry and don't think I'm calling you out on it. I'm not and I may not have even noticed if you already did one of these things. I'm just listing anything and everything that can or would hurt me emotionally right now.)
- "just a miscarriage"
- "focus on the positive" (grieving is natural and needs to be experienced- this is not something to just cover up)
- "you still have Joshua" (yes I do, but one child does NOT replace the other)
- calling my baby tissue or a fetus or anything other than a baby or referring to him by name, Gideon
- telling me he's an angel. maybe he is, maybe he isn't. I don't think any of us know that
- saying he's watching over me/us. Again I don't think we know that
- telling me to move on, get over it, life goes on (yes eventually it does, and in some ways now it does, but I will never fully get over the loss of a child)
- asking if we will be trying for another baby (right now I'm grieving THIS baby)
- saying we can have another child (maybe we can, maybe we can't, maybe we want to, maybe we don't, but I'm 34 and even if we did, again, one child will never replace another)
- telling me or giving the impression that it's been long enough I need to move on
- discussing or doing anything high conflict or stressful
What would help-
- bringing a meal, still, whenever
- if you are far and can't bring a meal, offering to pay for J to pick one up somewhere locally (barely anyone delivers here) is greatly appreciated so it's one less thing to worry about physically cooking and financially
- offering to watch Joshua so J and I can just get some time alone to process all this
- offering to clean a room or the house so J can get a break
- if you are friends or family who can't visit- texting, emailing or fb but being ok with not getting an immediate response or a brief response or not getting a response at all (nothing against you)
- sending some sort of books or resources on this so I have them when I'm ready for it (I found a devotional on pregnancy loss on Amazon but I can't bring myself to buy it)
- sending a card just to show you care, you don't even have to worry about writing anything in it
- listening without giving any advice
- praying is great but literally typing out a prayer to me/us through text, email, fb is even better
- flowers (I don't know what my deal is with flowers sorry)
- keeping December 8 on your calendar as the date Gideon passed through me into the world even though he already passed away- that is the day we're going with- sending a card or text or something on that day in future years to remember him with us
- being especially sensitive to me right now for a while, on every big holiday, on Mother's Day, Father's Day and his due date June 18
- realizing anything and everything can trigger a breakdown, letting that happen/accepting it as part of the grieving process
Again, nothing against anyone please don't take this personally. It's about me and my grieving process. It's normal, it's natural, it's ok. I just need to feel accepted and loved and cared about right now. J too. I know in time we'll/I'll get over this but right now it's harder than I ever imagined it to be. Thank you more than words can say to those who have been supporting us through this.
Thursday, December 6, 2018
Your wings were ready, but our hearts were not
I'm writing this for 3 purposes- 1. It's therapeutic for me. Writing is my release. I want to/need to share my/our story. 2. To reach out to those who have gone through this, to give and receive support. It's such a silent thing, but you are NOT alone. 3. To help those who haven't been through this to better understand what an extremely difficult process this is. I had NO idea how hard this would be before I started to walk through it.
Please note that this is very raw, there is some very sensitive and maybe slightly leaning on graphic information. Please consider how that may affect you before deciding to read or not. Thank you for walking along side us through this.
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This was supposed to be a pregnancy announcement.
I'm laying here awake as I have been every night in the middle of the night for months now. I'm surviving on 1-3 hours of sleep a night and I have no idea how. Writing is my release. It's how I express things. So as I have been laying here unable to sleep I again heard, write, just write. You need to do this. You need to let it out. You need to grieve. So I'm writing. Sorry if it comes out wrong or bad or makes no sense- again I'm lacking sleep and I'm really struggling emotionally.
October 7, 2018, I took a pregnancy test, again while J was at church, or rather a church luncheon. Positive. It was positive! We didn't at all plan for this, we didn't at all expect this. It just sort of... happened. My parents were here visiting at the time and J had a funeral to prepare for and church Homecoming that very day. I couldn't share this news yet, with anyone. For an entire week this news was kept completely to myself. The hormones had me hot cold hot cold, but that's nearly normal for me, easy to brush that one off to those around me. Still I had such a huge secret and I wondered if they knew- did I look differently, did I act differently, did they all know something was up?
J and I do this thing where every day we try to do something for each other- either a gift, a surprise, a fun activity, a kind gesture, or simply a behavior change we know would please the other. So a week later after coming home from church I told J I had a surprise for him but he had to do my fun scavenger hunt to find it. I sent him around the house looking for clues found in... the bed, diapers, baby food... he didn't quite put it all together but I found it pretty entertaining and funny. He got to the final part with the prize and pulled out some m&ms I of course put in there to throw him off. I told him there was one more thing and he reached down and found a scratch off lottery ticket. We occasionally get those just for fun, never really win anything. But little did he know he was about to win big. This was all planned for over Joshua's nap time by the way. He scratched it off and he can't see small so I was like, "You won! Scratch off the prize to see what you won!" He was looking at it and looking at it and then he looked at me like a deer in headlights again. "We're having a baby!" it said. We hugged, we were shocked, we were scared, we didn't quite know how this happened... I mean we did, but still.
We then had the long wait before going to the first dr appointment. They did an ultrasound and dated me right around 7 weeks. We heard a heartbeat.... we heard... a heartbeat. It was 132 beats per minute. But something was off. I just knew something was off. No one said anything, I didn't ask. But I knew, that heartbeat just wasn't right. I told J but he told me not to worry, that they didn't say anything so it should be fine.
We started getting excited though, talking about plans for this baby. We would need to buy a van now with 3 kids including my stepdaughter. Would the kids share a room? Would this baby be colicky like Joshua was or a simply a breeze? We talked about how to share the news with family. We had it all planned out. I was so excited. We bought Joshua a shirt that said Big Brother. Oh my heart thinking about him and his sibling being so close in age growing up together. I think that's what's touched me the most about this. I so deeply wanted Joshua to have someone to grow up with close in age. A brother or sister, either way. I never thought that would actually happen but it was as if another dream was coming true, the first being my first, Joshua.
But the weeks went on and I never got any pregnancy symptoms. Very very different than with Joshua, and I know that can happen, but again something was off. I just knew inside me something was off. Again J tried to ease my worries as we waited the long 6 weeks til my next appointment. After all, the doctor had no reason to be concerned. I had an easy complication free first pregnancy, and we live an hour away so he schedules them far apart as we agreed to.
6 weeks later still haven't arrived. This Monday night, J was doing a funeral. I couldn't attend because Joshua is still sick and it was also his bedtime. So I'm at home nursing Joshua before bed. I then put him to bed. I then had a pregnancy scare which concerned me and I texted J. I also texted my dr. Both assured me it would be ok and was probably nothing. My dr said to come in the next day. I needed to take it easy until then, hard when you've got a little one running around with no one to help. The next morning J again was at the funeral- graveside. I had to ask him to not attend the luncheon for the family after because of needing to get to the dr. I feel horrible but I hope they understand. And off we were on the long hour drive to the dr. I think we were both trying to be hopeful at this point- still talking about announcements, possible bedrest, names, etc.
Thank you to my doctor for being so accommodating and taking me in without even having an appointment. But my fears came true. The dr came in and I couldn't even get out a hi. I got up on the table as he took out the ultrasound. As soon as he put it on me I knew, J knew, we knew. You couldn't see anything. He had to zoom in really close and there it was, our baby, our tiny tiny little baby. The baby stopped growing and stopped living at 8.5 weeks, 3.5 weeks ago. All I could do was yell "no!" I couldn't even cry. I couldn't think. J grabbed my hand. The doctor went over all our options. I asked a bunch of questions. Right before he was about to leave I then said "I don't know if this is a question for you or not but" and I finally started crying, as typing this is making me do for the billionth time now again, "should I do something to remember the baby? Can I do something? I know it was only 8 weeks but it's still my baby." The doctor became a person at that moment. He put his hand on me and said of course, it's a loss no matter how far along the baby was, and explained my options. I want to do something to remember this baby, our sweet baby. My 2nd child, J's 3rd.
Before my dr even went over my options I told him I absolutely do not want a d&c. I can't fathom the thought of that, in my head that was the same thing as an abortion though I know my baby has already passed and it's not at all the same thing. But for me to emotionally grieve this loss I felt I needed to do it naturally. I need to allow this baby to come out of me, not forcefully remove it. But the dr said it's already been 3.5 weeks the baby has not been alive inside me, and waiting much longer would put me at risk for serious infection including life threatening sepsis. So the dr said the best option would be to take a bunch of pills he would prescribe which would hopefully help that move along. I said ok as we left. On the car ride home I did research and later I talked to other people who have been through this. I then messaged my dr saying I think I'd actually prefer the d&c after learning more about this. The pill option comes with so many risks including risk of pulmonary embolism. I have a blood clot disorder and have already survived a PE. I certainly don't want to go through that risk again now having Joshua to look after. The thing is with d&c I would be put to sleep, general anesthesia which means huge risk to me because of my MG (Myasthenia Gravis). The dr said the normally 4 hour hospital outpatient stay could turn into an overnight for me. How does that work with having Joshua, still nursing Joshua on demand? Having never pumped and no milk stored to do that? My options are all very risky for me personally because of my health issues, every single one of the 3 comes with a risk that can be life threatening. So I really can't win in this, I mean it's a huge loss already but now I'm faced with the decision of what is safest for me personally. I've not even begin to process this emotionally because I'm focused on getting all the facts to make the best informed decision that we could. I told my dr we would pray about it and let him know this morning.
However tonight it seems my body has started this process on it's own, finally after 3.5 weeks of my baby having passed inside me. I hope and pray so much so that this happens naturally and that I don't need to do either of the two other options. I hope and pray this doesn't cause infection especially not sepsis, that I don't need a hospital stay or ER visit or anything else. I've been a bit dizzy as this is happening. J is staying home with me today if not more days and staying close by regardless.
At this point in my typing I again tried to sleep and maybe managed to get 2 hours. It's Wednesday now. I went to bed crying, I woke up through the night multiple times crying, I woke up in the morning crying. I never knew how hard this would be. Thinking I'll never get to see my little baby, I'll never get to touch my baby, hug my baby, hold my baby. As I heard Joshua on the baby monitor, I thought that should soon be 2 babies on the monitor. Every Tuesday that passes... I would be a taking a picture of my belly growing at 13 weeks... 14 weeks... 20 weeks... and so on. When June 18, 2019 rolls around, my baby was supposed to be here. As hard as labor is, I'd do at all over times 100 before I'd choose doing this. And then thinking about all those milestones I'll be missing... rolling over, sitting up, standing, walking, saying mama for the very first time. Realizing we won't be wrapping the shirts for Joshua and my stepdaughter to open of "Big Brother" and "Big Sister Again." I mean they are, and we will, but it will have to wait until heaven.
So today I felt I had to do something. I typed a prayer to J overnight. I had to let this baby go before it would leave my body. So today I asked J to pray for us something similar. We both placed our hands over this little ones still body and prayed. We prayed telling God we let go, we told this baby we love it. This was my prayer last night- "Lord, thank you for giving us the time we had with this baby, as short as it was and even though we didn't get to meet him. I thank you for choosing us to be his parents. I pray we get to someday in the distant future in heaven, meet him, to touch his little hand, to hold him, to hug him, to see him. But Father we know this gift was yours before he was given to us. And now just as you gave him to us we give him back to you. Into your hands I let go and grieve him. Please be with us and him and Joshua also as we walk through this. It is our faith in you that will carry us through this. In Jesus name I pray, Amen." Lord, we're ready. We know you've already taken this child up with you but we now ask that you help this process move along and naturally allow this baby's body to leave my body. We never wanted this day to happen but now that it has we have to say I am ready, we are ready. He is yours and we give him back to you, Lord.
With this baby we just lost, I felt a connection from day 1. I felt SO connected. My sweet baby. I pray I will someday, hopefully a long distance away though, someday meet you in heaven.
Last night we sadly made another call so J could tell his daughter, my stepdaughter. She was so excited to hear I was pregnant. But that WAS was the key word as J continued. When she heard the baby had passed her response was that of a sweet 8 year old, "But you still have Joshua." Of course one baby will never replace another, but her response was a bitter sweet reminder to me. Our sweet Joshua. I never thought I'd have a baby, but I did, we did. Together we have been blessed with one and then 8 and a half weeks with another.
My only possible regret in all this is not telling people sooner. With Joshua, I literally prayed my way through the pregnancy and strongly believe prayer is what brought us a healthy, amazing little boy. We announced to my parents at 5 weeks, to J's parents around 7ish weeks, the rest of the family shortly after and to everyone at 12 weeks. 12 weeks would be now with this one. 12 weeks people could have been praying for us, for this little one's life. Yet still, I know deep inside, this one was meant to be with Jesus.
So one more story before I close this. If you've made it this far thank you for your patience and walking with me/us through this.
Before this happened, actually for me before I even became pregnant, I was given a name, a name for our baby. After both finding out we were pregnant, I told J I was given a name but I told him I was also not to share this name with him, to give J time to see if God would give him a name also. God had given me Joshua's name, but I shared it before J got a chance to see if he would also hear a name. So for a few weeks I waited. One day J came home for lunch and said "I have a name." I was shocked and asked that he share it. He told me it's very different. I said well so is mine. I asked again what the name was. "Gideon" he said. My mouth dropped. I was speechless. And then I said "You won't believe this. That's the name I have too! Clearly this is a boy and God has named our baby Gideon." And so that was it. Just like God gave Joshua his name, God gave Gideon his name also. It was too early to physically find out the gender, but we don't need to. Our son's name is Gideon Michael, Michael because J thought it sounded good and because it makes me think of him as our little angel. God keeps speaking James to me so I think we are going to add that so he will actually have 2 middle names just as my brother does.
Gideon Michael James we love you.
Today we woke up and looked outside and the ground was covered in snow. Just as it was when Joshua came into this world almost exactly 1 year ago, it is the same as our Gideon has left this world. And the thought came to me. God says, I cover the ground in snow but you know the ground is still there. For now it just looks more beautiful but soon again some day you will see the ground again. Gideon, we trust God has you in His arms as you are somewhere beautiful and someday again soon we will see you again.
As time passes I know people will forget. One by one, day by day, this will leave your minds. But please, for us right now and for a while, please try not to forget. Please keep us in prayer as we continue to walk through this. It is very hard to ask for help, or even ask for support but please, send or show support however you are able. We need it, I need it. If you'd like to do something, someone kindly set up a meal train for us if you are local. It's posted on our facebook page. It would be much appreciated as I can barely remember to put things away or where things are let alone focus on cooking a meal. I hate asking for things but honestly right now I just need to feel loved. I'm not ready to verbally talk about this, that's just not me. But the way I would feel loved is cards, texts, emails, messages, flowers, food. Anyone sending or bringing anything just to show they care would mean the world to me and to us especially since we don't have family here to help us through this. Thank you all so much for your love and support and I am SO very sorry to anyone who has been down this path or even worse. Our hearts are now joined in a club none of us ever wanted to be in. And now all we can do is trust in God in our faith to get us through this. 💓
Please note that this is very raw, there is some very sensitive and maybe slightly leaning on graphic information. Please consider how that may affect you before deciding to read or not. Thank you for walking along side us through this.
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This was supposed to be a pregnancy announcement.
I'm laying here awake as I have been every night in the middle of the night for months now. I'm surviving on 1-3 hours of sleep a night and I have no idea how. Writing is my release. It's how I express things. So as I have been laying here unable to sleep I again heard, write, just write. You need to do this. You need to let it out. You need to grieve. So I'm writing. Sorry if it comes out wrong or bad or makes no sense- again I'm lacking sleep and I'm really struggling emotionally.
October 7, 2018, I took a pregnancy test, again while J was at church, or rather a church luncheon. Positive. It was positive! We didn't at all plan for this, we didn't at all expect this. It just sort of... happened. My parents were here visiting at the time and J had a funeral to prepare for and church Homecoming that very day. I couldn't share this news yet, with anyone. For an entire week this news was kept completely to myself. The hormones had me hot cold hot cold, but that's nearly normal for me, easy to brush that one off to those around me. Still I had such a huge secret and I wondered if they knew- did I look differently, did I act differently, did they all know something was up?
J and I do this thing where every day we try to do something for each other- either a gift, a surprise, a fun activity, a kind gesture, or simply a behavior change we know would please the other. So a week later after coming home from church I told J I had a surprise for him but he had to do my fun scavenger hunt to find it. I sent him around the house looking for clues found in... the bed, diapers, baby food... he didn't quite put it all together but I found it pretty entertaining and funny. He got to the final part with the prize and pulled out some m&ms I of course put in there to throw him off. I told him there was one more thing and he reached down and found a scratch off lottery ticket. We occasionally get those just for fun, never really win anything. But little did he know he was about to win big. This was all planned for over Joshua's nap time by the way. He scratched it off and he can't see small so I was like, "You won! Scratch off the prize to see what you won!" He was looking at it and looking at it and then he looked at me like a deer in headlights again. "We're having a baby!" it said. We hugged, we were shocked, we were scared, we didn't quite know how this happened... I mean we did, but still.
We then had the long wait before going to the first dr appointment. They did an ultrasound and dated me right around 7 weeks. We heard a heartbeat.... we heard... a heartbeat. It was 132 beats per minute. But something was off. I just knew something was off. No one said anything, I didn't ask. But I knew, that heartbeat just wasn't right. I told J but he told me not to worry, that they didn't say anything so it should be fine.
We started getting excited though, talking about plans for this baby. We would need to buy a van now with 3 kids including my stepdaughter. Would the kids share a room? Would this baby be colicky like Joshua was or a simply a breeze? We talked about how to share the news with family. We had it all planned out. I was so excited. We bought Joshua a shirt that said Big Brother. Oh my heart thinking about him and his sibling being so close in age growing up together. I think that's what's touched me the most about this. I so deeply wanted Joshua to have someone to grow up with close in age. A brother or sister, either way. I never thought that would actually happen but it was as if another dream was coming true, the first being my first, Joshua.
But the weeks went on and I never got any pregnancy symptoms. Very very different than with Joshua, and I know that can happen, but again something was off. I just knew inside me something was off. Again J tried to ease my worries as we waited the long 6 weeks til my next appointment. After all, the doctor had no reason to be concerned. I had an easy complication free first pregnancy, and we live an hour away so he schedules them far apart as we agreed to.
6 weeks later still haven't arrived. This Monday night, J was doing a funeral. I couldn't attend because Joshua is still sick and it was also his bedtime. So I'm at home nursing Joshua before bed. I then put him to bed. I then had a pregnancy scare which concerned me and I texted J. I also texted my dr. Both assured me it would be ok and was probably nothing. My dr said to come in the next day. I needed to take it easy until then, hard when you've got a little one running around with no one to help. The next morning J again was at the funeral- graveside. I had to ask him to not attend the luncheon for the family after because of needing to get to the dr. I feel horrible but I hope they understand. And off we were on the long hour drive to the dr. I think we were both trying to be hopeful at this point- still talking about announcements, possible bedrest, names, etc.
Thank you to my doctor for being so accommodating and taking me in without even having an appointment. But my fears came true. The dr came in and I couldn't even get out a hi. I got up on the table as he took out the ultrasound. As soon as he put it on me I knew, J knew, we knew. You couldn't see anything. He had to zoom in really close and there it was, our baby, our tiny tiny little baby. The baby stopped growing and stopped living at 8.5 weeks, 3.5 weeks ago. All I could do was yell "no!" I couldn't even cry. I couldn't think. J grabbed my hand. The doctor went over all our options. I asked a bunch of questions. Right before he was about to leave I then said "I don't know if this is a question for you or not but" and I finally started crying, as typing this is making me do for the billionth time now again, "should I do something to remember the baby? Can I do something? I know it was only 8 weeks but it's still my baby." The doctor became a person at that moment. He put his hand on me and said of course, it's a loss no matter how far along the baby was, and explained my options. I want to do something to remember this baby, our sweet baby. My 2nd child, J's 3rd.
Before my dr even went over my options I told him I absolutely do not want a d&c. I can't fathom the thought of that, in my head that was the same thing as an abortion though I know my baby has already passed and it's not at all the same thing. But for me to emotionally grieve this loss I felt I needed to do it naturally. I need to allow this baby to come out of me, not forcefully remove it. But the dr said it's already been 3.5 weeks the baby has not been alive inside me, and waiting much longer would put me at risk for serious infection including life threatening sepsis. So the dr said the best option would be to take a bunch of pills he would prescribe which would hopefully help that move along. I said ok as we left. On the car ride home I did research and later I talked to other people who have been through this. I then messaged my dr saying I think I'd actually prefer the d&c after learning more about this. The pill option comes with so many risks including risk of pulmonary embolism. I have a blood clot disorder and have already survived a PE. I certainly don't want to go through that risk again now having Joshua to look after. The thing is with d&c I would be put to sleep, general anesthesia which means huge risk to me because of my MG (Myasthenia Gravis). The dr said the normally 4 hour hospital outpatient stay could turn into an overnight for me. How does that work with having Joshua, still nursing Joshua on demand? Having never pumped and no milk stored to do that? My options are all very risky for me personally because of my health issues, every single one of the 3 comes with a risk that can be life threatening. So I really can't win in this, I mean it's a huge loss already but now I'm faced with the decision of what is safest for me personally. I've not even begin to process this emotionally because I'm focused on getting all the facts to make the best informed decision that we could. I told my dr we would pray about it and let him know this morning.
However tonight it seems my body has started this process on it's own, finally after 3.5 weeks of my baby having passed inside me. I hope and pray so much so that this happens naturally and that I don't need to do either of the two other options. I hope and pray this doesn't cause infection especially not sepsis, that I don't need a hospital stay or ER visit or anything else. I've been a bit dizzy as this is happening. J is staying home with me today if not more days and staying close by regardless.
At this point in my typing I again tried to sleep and maybe managed to get 2 hours. It's Wednesday now. I went to bed crying, I woke up through the night multiple times crying, I woke up in the morning crying. I never knew how hard this would be. Thinking I'll never get to see my little baby, I'll never get to touch my baby, hug my baby, hold my baby. As I heard Joshua on the baby monitor, I thought that should soon be 2 babies on the monitor. Every Tuesday that passes... I would be a taking a picture of my belly growing at 13 weeks... 14 weeks... 20 weeks... and so on. When June 18, 2019 rolls around, my baby was supposed to be here. As hard as labor is, I'd do at all over times 100 before I'd choose doing this. And then thinking about all those milestones I'll be missing... rolling over, sitting up, standing, walking, saying mama for the very first time. Realizing we won't be wrapping the shirts for Joshua and my stepdaughter to open of "Big Brother" and "Big Sister Again." I mean they are, and we will, but it will have to wait until heaven.
So today I felt I had to do something. I typed a prayer to J overnight. I had to let this baby go before it would leave my body. So today I asked J to pray for us something similar. We both placed our hands over this little ones still body and prayed. We prayed telling God we let go, we told this baby we love it. This was my prayer last night- "Lord, thank you for giving us the time we had with this baby, as short as it was and even though we didn't get to meet him. I thank you for choosing us to be his parents. I pray we get to someday in the distant future in heaven, meet him, to touch his little hand, to hold him, to hug him, to see him. But Father we know this gift was yours before he was given to us. And now just as you gave him to us we give him back to you. Into your hands I let go and grieve him. Please be with us and him and Joshua also as we walk through this. It is our faith in you that will carry us through this. In Jesus name I pray, Amen." Lord, we're ready. We know you've already taken this child up with you but we now ask that you help this process move along and naturally allow this baby's body to leave my body. We never wanted this day to happen but now that it has we have to say I am ready, we are ready. He is yours and we give him back to you, Lord.
With this baby we just lost, I felt a connection from day 1. I felt SO connected. My sweet baby. I pray I will someday, hopefully a long distance away though, someday meet you in heaven.
Last night we sadly made another call so J could tell his daughter, my stepdaughter. She was so excited to hear I was pregnant. But that WAS was the key word as J continued. When she heard the baby had passed her response was that of a sweet 8 year old, "But you still have Joshua." Of course one baby will never replace another, but her response was a bitter sweet reminder to me. Our sweet Joshua. I never thought I'd have a baby, but I did, we did. Together we have been blessed with one and then 8 and a half weeks with another.
My only possible regret in all this is not telling people sooner. With Joshua, I literally prayed my way through the pregnancy and strongly believe prayer is what brought us a healthy, amazing little boy. We announced to my parents at 5 weeks, to J's parents around 7ish weeks, the rest of the family shortly after and to everyone at 12 weeks. 12 weeks would be now with this one. 12 weeks people could have been praying for us, for this little one's life. Yet still, I know deep inside, this one was meant to be with Jesus.
So one more story before I close this. If you've made it this far thank you for your patience and walking with me/us through this.
Before this happened, actually for me before I even became pregnant, I was given a name, a name for our baby. After both finding out we were pregnant, I told J I was given a name but I told him I was also not to share this name with him, to give J time to see if God would give him a name also. God had given me Joshua's name, but I shared it before J got a chance to see if he would also hear a name. So for a few weeks I waited. One day J came home for lunch and said "I have a name." I was shocked and asked that he share it. He told me it's very different. I said well so is mine. I asked again what the name was. "Gideon" he said. My mouth dropped. I was speechless. And then I said "You won't believe this. That's the name I have too! Clearly this is a boy and God has named our baby Gideon." And so that was it. Just like God gave Joshua his name, God gave Gideon his name also. It was too early to physically find out the gender, but we don't need to. Our son's name is Gideon Michael, Michael because J thought it sounded good and because it makes me think of him as our little angel. God keeps speaking James to me so I think we are going to add that so he will actually have 2 middle names just as my brother does.
Gideon Michael James we love you.
Today we woke up and looked outside and the ground was covered in snow. Just as it was when Joshua came into this world almost exactly 1 year ago, it is the same as our Gideon has left this world. And the thought came to me. God says, I cover the ground in snow but you know the ground is still there. For now it just looks more beautiful but soon again some day you will see the ground again. Gideon, we trust God has you in His arms as you are somewhere beautiful and someday again soon we will see you again.
As time passes I know people will forget. One by one, day by day, this will leave your minds. But please, for us right now and for a while, please try not to forget. Please keep us in prayer as we continue to walk through this. It is very hard to ask for help, or even ask for support but please, send or show support however you are able. We need it, I need it. If you'd like to do something, someone kindly set up a meal train for us if you are local. It's posted on our facebook page. It would be much appreciated as I can barely remember to put things away or where things are let alone focus on cooking a meal. I hate asking for things but honestly right now I just need to feel loved. I'm not ready to verbally talk about this, that's just not me. But the way I would feel loved is cards, texts, emails, messages, flowers, food. Anyone sending or bringing anything just to show they care would mean the world to me and to us especially since we don't have family here to help us through this. Thank you all so much for your love and support and I am SO very sorry to anyone who has been down this path or even worse. Our hearts are now joined in a club none of us ever wanted to be in. And now all we can do is trust in God in our faith to get us through this. 💓
Wednesday, November 28, 2018
Joshua 1 year!
I can't believe my baby will be a year old next week!
I know I haven't updated in a while but just wanted to come on here to ask for prayer. He's been sick for about a month and a half- first a bad cold, then pink eye, and now he's been sick with something for almost 2 weeks! We took him to the doctor and they think just a cold but I really don't think colds last this long. His congestion is deep and I really think it could be bacterial, or RSV, which is why I get so angry when people kiss him! It's no fun for him or for us with him being sick especially this long. So please pray for him to get better, hopefully before his birthday and Christmas, and that Daddy and I can stay healthy, so hopefully he can and we can all enjoy all the upcoming fun stuff! Thank you!
I last posted when he was 9 months... I don't remember what he does when anymore lol but he's been walking like a pro since about that time, started taking his first steps around 7 months, crazy boy. He says yeah, I don't know, ok, dadadadada and occasionally I get a whiny maaaaaammy or something like that. He also has repeated the words airplane and diaper to me. He doesn't like meat but loves fruits and veggies, and wants to try anything we are eating. He's started to like reading, turning the pages himself and destroying more books than I can count. He rolls the big bouncy ball back and forth with us really well "playing catch," plays hide and seek with us and just started pointing. It's so fun watching him learn more and more and become more interactive with us!
That's all for now. He rarely likes to take his naps, or long ones, so I've got to get as much done as I can in the 1-2 hours I have to myself each day! Thanks for your prayers!
I know I haven't updated in a while but just wanted to come on here to ask for prayer. He's been sick for about a month and a half- first a bad cold, then pink eye, and now he's been sick with something for almost 2 weeks! We took him to the doctor and they think just a cold but I really don't think colds last this long. His congestion is deep and I really think it could be bacterial, or RSV, which is why I get so angry when people kiss him! It's no fun for him or for us with him being sick especially this long. So please pray for him to get better, hopefully before his birthday and Christmas, and that Daddy and I can stay healthy, so hopefully he can and we can all enjoy all the upcoming fun stuff! Thank you!
I last posted when he was 9 months... I don't remember what he does when anymore lol but he's been walking like a pro since about that time, started taking his first steps around 7 months, crazy boy. He says yeah, I don't know, ok, dadadadada and occasionally I get a whiny maaaaaammy or something like that. He also has repeated the words airplane and diaper to me. He doesn't like meat but loves fruits and veggies, and wants to try anything we are eating. He's started to like reading, turning the pages himself and destroying more books than I can count. He rolls the big bouncy ball back and forth with us really well "playing catch," plays hide and seek with us and just started pointing. It's so fun watching him learn more and more and become more interactive with us!
That's all for now. He rarely likes to take his naps, or long ones, so I've got to get as much done as I can in the 1-2 hours I have to myself each day! Thanks for your prayers!
Saturday, September 15, 2018
Joshua 9 months
A quick update for those who follow-
I can't believe Joshua is 9 months! So here's what's been happening. Basically as soon as he attempted to crawl, he also pulled himself up to standing. By 7 months he stood on his own, couch surfed (walking holding on to the couch), and took his first step unassisted! By 8 months he took a few steps without holding! Now at 9 months he's been walking pretty much like any walking toddler would for at least a few weeks. I'm amazed still at such a strong boy coming from such a weak mama, but God is good!
With that persistence and determination though comes his very strong will in all things. Oh how this boy likes to get his way already and if he doesn't he will certainly let you know!
He loves his daddy, like so so so so so much! I have no doubt I'm second on his list but when I do get those hugs, the world stops, how amazing.
He has been eating table food since 6 months, and now has 5 teeth. But the table food has been put on a pause as he got very sick for the first time. It was horrible and I froze not knowing what to do for the poor little guy. We're still trying to figure out exactly what might be wrong with his stomach so pray for that if you would please.
As for me, keep me in prayer also. I literally cannot go a single day without being bit by something. The bugs here of all kinds are worse than anything I've experienced anywhere else. And I'm pretty sure I give off some scent that says "all bugs please come and attack me."
Really though I believe it's the devil- the devil is trying to take us down in all sorts of ways and it's been tough for a number of reasons. Please pray for Jesus to be our strength through any trial that comes our way.
Thank you!
I can't believe Joshua is 9 months! So here's what's been happening. Basically as soon as he attempted to crawl, he also pulled himself up to standing. By 7 months he stood on his own, couch surfed (walking holding on to the couch), and took his first step unassisted! By 8 months he took a few steps without holding! Now at 9 months he's been walking pretty much like any walking toddler would for at least a few weeks. I'm amazed still at such a strong boy coming from such a weak mama, but God is good!
With that persistence and determination though comes his very strong will in all things. Oh how this boy likes to get his way already and if he doesn't he will certainly let you know!
He loves his daddy, like so so so so so much! I have no doubt I'm second on his list but when I do get those hugs, the world stops, how amazing.
He has been eating table food since 6 months, and now has 5 teeth. But the table food has been put on a pause as he got very sick for the first time. It was horrible and I froze not knowing what to do for the poor little guy. We're still trying to figure out exactly what might be wrong with his stomach so pray for that if you would please.
As for me, keep me in prayer also. I literally cannot go a single day without being bit by something. The bugs here of all kinds are worse than anything I've experienced anywhere else. And I'm pretty sure I give off some scent that says "all bugs please come and attack me."
Really though I believe it's the devil- the devil is trying to take us down in all sorts of ways and it's been tough for a number of reasons. Please pray for Jesus to be our strength through any trial that comes our way.
Thank you!
Saturday, March 31, 2018
Problems but...
A still colicky baby, mastitis multiple times, insomnia in addition to multiple wakings for nursing, repeatedly sick on top of chronic illness- and that on top of you know, all the normal stuff- church stuff, Bible study, meetings, step family life, appointments and when we get around to it, cooking, grocery shopping and cleaning. It's been exhausting and not having family here with us, especially for a break, has been hard. Don't get me wrong, I love my baby, but it certainly would be nice if he could be little calmer and not scream his lungs out every chance he gets. It would be amazing if we lived near family or them near us. I can look at the big picture and come up with 239375493 things I'd like to change.
It's so easy to focus on our problems- as we all know- I have lots of them! 🙋It's especially easy to do when those problems become so consuming- when you have chronic illness and you need to adjust your life to live accordingly, when a 104 fever from mastitis literally prevents you from getting out of bed, when a constantly crying baby demands your every bit of attention and energy...
But as Easter approaches tomorrow and as Good Friday passed yesterday, I was thinking more about these problems I have, we all have (in some way, shape or form). And these problems, are nothing compared to the problems Jesus faced. He went to the cross, nails beaten into His arms, blood shed from His body, and then He died. And He did it for us. All of our sins, all of our sickness, all of our problems have been nailed to that cross.
And then He rose again! And He lives! We have been given the opportunity to go to heaven where there will be no more sin, no more sickness, no more problems. There will only be life- life eternal- in heaven for all those who accepted Him.
We haven't faced what Jesus has faced, so relative to our own lives yeah, our problems are real and our problems are hard. We need to talk about them, share with others, grieve things, allow feelings. But when you look to Jesus, which is where/who we should be looking to for all things- our problems, really aren't all that bad. So this Easter I'll be striving to look more to Him and less to myself and the world around me, and I encourage you all, regardless of what you face, to do the same. After all, He overcame death- He can certainly help us overcome all that's a part of life.
In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world! John 16:33
It's so easy to focus on our problems- as we all know- I have lots of them! 🙋It's especially easy to do when those problems become so consuming- when you have chronic illness and you need to adjust your life to live accordingly, when a 104 fever from mastitis literally prevents you from getting out of bed, when a constantly crying baby demands your every bit of attention and energy...
But as Easter approaches tomorrow and as Good Friday passed yesterday, I was thinking more about these problems I have, we all have (in some way, shape or form). And these problems, are nothing compared to the problems Jesus faced. He went to the cross, nails beaten into His arms, blood shed from His body, and then He died. And He did it for us. All of our sins, all of our sickness, all of our problems have been nailed to that cross.
And then He rose again! And He lives! We have been given the opportunity to go to heaven where there will be no more sin, no more sickness, no more problems. There will only be life- life eternal- in heaven for all those who accepted Him.
We haven't faced what Jesus has faced, so relative to our own lives yeah, our problems are real and our problems are hard. We need to talk about them, share with others, grieve things, allow feelings. But when you look to Jesus, which is where/who we should be looking to for all things- our problems, really aren't all that bad. So this Easter I'll be striving to look more to Him and less to myself and the world around me, and I encourage you all, regardless of what you face, to do the same. After all, He overcame death- He can certainly help us overcome all that's a part of life.
In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world! John 16:33
Thursday, February 1, 2018
Joshua 8 weeks!
Baby is sleeping! Wash dishes? Laundry? Shower? Pay bills? Make calls? Read a book? Nope- write! Finally- write! I've been meaning to do this for a while.
8 weeks today. I can't believe it.
So quick summary-
The good- we have his 2 month appointment next week and we're guessing he weighs probably at least 12 lbs now. At about 4 weeks he smiled at me, shortly after he started "talking" (sounding like hi, yeah, ok and goo) to me! At 6 weeks he rolled over- back to stomach! He holds his head for extended periods and can support himself with his legs if you support his body to stand. He's been ahead of schedules for just about everything so far and he seems like a very strong boy! Coming from a weak momma, that's impressive!
The bad- colic.
If you've never dealt with colic, be sooo very thankful. Wow it is insane and wears you down- fast. Colic is baby crying, rather screaming his head off as if he's being tortured, inconsolably for hours every. single. day. We aren't bad parents, we have tried or are trying just about everything. But it's just- colic.
Our day begins with him smiley and "talking"- we cherish those minutes because they don't last long! This is followed by the begin of the colicky time. Screaming cries. Nothing works. Eventually he will go to sleep. In the afternoon it typically happens again. And then his worst time is in the evening before bed like 7-10pm. Screaming cries.
We have tried different types of swings, a bouncy seat, play mat, multiple baby carriers (my problem is my neuro muscular disease- just as hard if not harder to baby wear than to carry with my arms), bassinet, and just sitting in our lap or laying in our lap, different ways of holding him, probiotics, gas drops, and reducing my own dairy intake since he is nursing- none of that has seemed to help.
Swaddling only helps slightly, other times he hates it.
We will next try getting super strict with dairy elimination, chiro, gripe water and maybe a different brand of probiotics and maybe vitamin d.
The only things that work, and that's only sometimes are holding him over our shoulder walking around and having him in his car seat moving either in the car or attached to his stroller moving. Sometimes the rocking chair.
I am so incredibly thankful J works across the street and can typically come home on a moments notice to relieve me when it gets incredibly tough. He even brought his computer to the house and worked from home when I was sick with a stomach bug because I just couldn't handle this alone. It is so hard living so far away from family. Oh what I would give to be able to live near my family right now! But J and I switch off doing everything except of course the feeding. J is so helpful every night waking up for each feeding with me to change Joshua and then hand him to me to save some of my muscle strength. Then he goes to sleep while I feed and put him back to bed. J is incredibly super helpful prior to bedtime- Joshua's fussiest time- when J will hold him over his shoulder walking around, "shhh"ing to calm him, pacing the house or rocking in the rocker, sometimes for hours and hours until he falls asleep. Daytime is mostly me, except for some relief during J's lunch breaks or like I said if it gets so bad I need to call him. It is exhausting, hard on my muscles too. I couldn't do this on my own- even for a day- I couldn't do this on my own. So thankful I have a helpful husband.
I'm still having some issues bonding with baby. I love this boy! I care for him and want to be with him, even as colicky as he is. But that maternal immediate connection people talk about, I don't have it and never did. Apparently that's quite normal, yet another thing nobody talks about. Well I'm breaking the silence and I'm glad I did because I've been able to receive and give support with this too. Looking back, I think it's due to multiple things.
One of course the gender thing I mentioned a while back probably plays into it, but hear me loudly- that makes me love him NO less. But in my opinion I think a female bonds easier with another female than opposite gender. You understand the same gender, you relate to the same gender, you know the same gender. Opposite gender is a whole different and new ballgame, a scary one.
I think the main thing though was in having a natural birth, it was like an out of body experience. When he actually arrived it didn't quite feel real, almost like I wasn't existing in that moment because the pain had been so intense I felt almost removed from the world. Then I was fading in and out after delivery. The nurses practically had to help feed him for me as I just laid there just trying to stay conscious and awake. And Joshua had some issues they had to immediately take him from me. I feel I missed out on that initial bonding time.
Then coming home I felt overwhelmed having visitors almost immediately. I was struggling trying to adapt to coming home, becoming a first time mom, getting to know and care for my baby, but then also having other people in the house and it was overwhelming.
Then there is this- being a stepmom before becoming a mom. No one talks about this either, but it is legit HARD. Being a stepmom may even be harder than giving birth, like for real. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally there is nothing to prepare you. People will say "You knew what you were getting into." No, I'm sorry, you really didn't. You never know til you walk the walk, in those shoes. Nothing can prepare you for helping raise a child who lives in your house yet isn't yours, a child who doesn't love you unconditionally, who doesn't call you mom, a child who at times may not even want you there. But then you have your own baby and suddenly it's all confusing- am I mom or stepmom? It feels like I'm just helping raise another person's child again- even though I felt every pain giving birth and nurse him. It still feels disconnected like he's not mine but someone else's. And again, only if you are a stepmom and have felt this will you understand this. Please no judgement for being honest in how I feel.
And then fast forward and as soon as we're completely on our own I actually felt some relief- like I can try to strengthen the bond between myself, J and baby. But then the colic started- and has gotten worse and worse and hasn't stopped. Having a baby who seriously seems to hate you is very hard at times. And before anyone says anything- yes I have discussed all of this with my dr and he said a lot of what I'm feeling is again normal just not discussed typically- and no I do not have post partum depression. So that's all good.
One of course the gender thing I mentioned a while back probably plays into it, but hear me loudly- that makes me love him NO less. But in my opinion I think a female bonds easier with another female than opposite gender. You understand the same gender, you relate to the same gender, you know the same gender. Opposite gender is a whole different and new ballgame, a scary one.
I think the main thing though was in having a natural birth, it was like an out of body experience. When he actually arrived it didn't quite feel real, almost like I wasn't existing in that moment because the pain had been so intense I felt almost removed from the world. Then I was fading in and out after delivery. The nurses practically had to help feed him for me as I just laid there just trying to stay conscious and awake. And Joshua had some issues they had to immediately take him from me. I feel I missed out on that initial bonding time.
Then coming home I felt overwhelmed having visitors almost immediately. I was struggling trying to adapt to coming home, becoming a first time mom, getting to know and care for my baby, but then also having other people in the house and it was overwhelming.
Then there is this- being a stepmom before becoming a mom. No one talks about this either, but it is legit HARD. Being a stepmom may even be harder than giving birth, like for real. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally there is nothing to prepare you. People will say "You knew what you were getting into." No, I'm sorry, you really didn't. You never know til you walk the walk, in those shoes. Nothing can prepare you for helping raise a child who lives in your house yet isn't yours, a child who doesn't love you unconditionally, who doesn't call you mom, a child who at times may not even want you there. But then you have your own baby and suddenly it's all confusing- am I mom or stepmom? It feels like I'm just helping raise another person's child again- even though I felt every pain giving birth and nurse him. It still feels disconnected like he's not mine but someone else's. And again, only if you are a stepmom and have felt this will you understand this. Please no judgement for being honest in how I feel.
And then fast forward and as soon as we're completely on our own I actually felt some relief- like I can try to strengthen the bond between myself, J and baby. But then the colic started- and has gotten worse and worse and hasn't stopped. Having a baby who seriously seems to hate you is very hard at times. And before anyone says anything- yes I have discussed all of this with my dr and he said a lot of what I'm feeling is again normal just not discussed typically- and no I do not have post partum depression. So that's all good.
It's so very hard. And if I ever had another baby and that baby didn't have colic, it would probably feel like a breeze compared to this! But in the midst of trying to console Joshua once again today, I was walking around holding him and singing and then when he got calm, I set him in the swing needing a break... but he was about to cry again... so I kept on singing. I was singing "From This Moment On" which I know is a weird song to sing to a baby but it's what was in my head. So I was singing that and as I did, he pointed his little finger at me and gave me one of his adorable big smiles. And in that moment everything stopped and that little smile with that little finger made up for every other difficult moment of every day.
This is my boy. Difficult or not, I will love you and do the best I can for you. With some tweaking of the words, this song works for a baby too. So this is for you my little Joshua. 💙 From This Moment On
I do ask for prayer for us, as we continue this journey- prayers that the colic stops sooner rather than later, that God gives us the strength and provides the rest and recovery we need to keep going, and that we continue to raise up this little boy into a godly man- because after all that's really what it's all about. Him. And pointing others to Him.
we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:3-4
If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. John 15:7
we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:3-4
If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. John 15:7
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