Children

2 nights ago I was in so much pain. It felt like my muscles were being ripped apart inside me. Yesterday, I didn't make it to church. <Gasp> a pastor's wife didn't make it to church? I know, right? But get this. I'm human and I have struggles just like every other human on this planet. My biggest struggle is my health, and many times it does not allow me to do what I would like, including church. You see mornings are my hardest. So even if I can get going by the afternoon, I still might not be well enough to function in the morning. And then by the end of the day I'm done for again. And here I go explaining/defending myself for no reason again. Well, anyways, I'm still in a lot of pain and very weak. And you know what, I believe God has a purpose for this. Writing. I need to get back to writing.

So this is what's on my heart.

Our church is very small. It currently does not have a children's ministry. That means there is nothing for the kids besides a bulletin to draw in. This is tough. At times it lays heavy on me. I want to do more. I want to be the person that starts up a children's ministry. I want to lead their hearts to Christ. But then reality hits. And it hit hard with this current flare up.

You see, our church has been working on updating things, starting new things, with one of those being starting a new children's ministry, because seriously who will bring their young family to a church without one? I very casually mentioned to J maybe I could start it. Well, I kind of mentioned that without thinking it through.  We went with that initial idea that I could do this and thought maybe I could start just by putting in a Veggie Tales video so they at least have some sort of teaching on their level. But then this flare up and I got to thinking realistically more and more. Really, what was I thinking? Me and multiple kids, or sometimes even just one, don't always go well together. Kids very quickly pull all the energy and strength out of me. Even just putting in a Veggie Tale could become a big problem. The kids room is downstairs. Walking stairs with a neuro-muscular disease is not easy. I already have to walk one set to get into the church. Kids ask a lot of questions, oh how quickly I've learned this in my short time as a stepmom. Just answering those questions and interacting, again really pulls out my energy. What if someone got sick, if there was a baby needing to be changed, if one kid ran one way and another went the other? What would this one person with health issues do?? And that scares me.

I want the best for the next generation and I want them to receive teaching about Jesus. But I don't feel I am the best for that position. Not because I don't want to or can't in my head, but because I don't feel that is where I am meant to be nor qualified physically to be there given my situation.

I got to thinking more. Now I'm going to start this by saying I do not at all feel this way from our church and this is not at all directed at anyone. However, I have read, heard from others and learned that many times being a pastor's wife is a very tough, thankless, under appreciated "job." A pastor's wife is often expected to work alongside the pastor, filling in at the church wherever is needed, show up at everything, lead groups and ministries, have and raise a family, and sometimes have her own career on top of all that. Like I said no one has said these things directly to me or made me feel this way, but I often am too hard on myself so I take things like this and then feel bad I'm not doing more.

But something hit me this morning along with this current flare up I'm struggling through. What is my job as a pastor's wife? My answer- Supporting, honoring, respecting, serving and loving my husband. He is the pastor. I am his wife. Yes I love the church, but as a Christian I believe I am to put God first, then my husband, then others. If I try to take on more than I can handle. If I use up all my strength and energy on a children's ministry, what have I got left to give to my husband? Is it wise of me to make myself more visible at the church only to come home and need to lay in bed the whole rest of the day and let cooking, cleaning and everything else fall on him? Is it wise of me to be so drained I can't even connect with the one God has blessed me with? My answer- absolutely not. What is wise of me is making sure I keep my priorities set and straight- God, husband, others.

So yes I want to serve, and yes I will keep doing so. But it will have to remain behind the scenes. It will have to be even more of a thankless type of position because no one sees it- the editing of his sermons, bulletins, website, creating business cards and handouts, the brainstorming sessions with him of how we can grow this church, the endless discussions and prayers about and for this church and God's Kingdom. But it is also serving in another huge way- serving him. When I have the energy to cook and clean, do laundry, take care of bills and keep up this house, I am serving him by allowing him to rest and refuel, to come home where home should be a refuge and retreat, to relax and enjoy some time together and as a family, so that we can then together best serve God to the best of our ability- different unique abilities where one is very visible and a leader and the other is behind the scenes in a supportive role that was meant to be.

God makes us each very different. I believe he definitely did that for a reason. Everyone has a purpose and a place. Some are visible and in the spotlight, others are behind the scenes or unnoticed. But God sees you. He sees each and every one of you, and He created you for a purpose. Pray that you find that purpose, and then live it. It is together as a body of Christ, each in our own unique roles, that we can be the church God meant for us to be. No matter your age, your disability, your circumstances in life, if you are here you have a purpose. Accept that purpose and glorify God through it, even if no one can see it except Him.


And with that, I have this on my heart as well...

Romans 12New International Version (NIV)

A Living Sacrifice

12 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Humble Service in the Body of Christ

3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. 4 For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5 so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6 We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your[a]faith; 7 if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; 8 if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead,[b] do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.

Love in Action

9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.[c] Do not be conceited.

17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”[d] says the Lord. 20 On the contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
    if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”[e]

21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.