But I needed to get a major surgery and my then husband threatened if I did not go back to Chicago to get that surgery (he wanted me far far away as soon as possible and I held on for 6 months resisting), he would divorce me immediately and I would lose the insurance needed to get that surgery. One of the toughest decisions I've ever made, coming back to Chicago. I've since made peace with that, that though I physically left I had no choice or I would be back in the hospital without anyone to help me. Though I physically left, he emotionally and mentally left 6 months prior. He left the marriage, not me. I was merely leaving to take care of myself in order to have more in me to fight for our marriage. He told me he would not file for divorce until I was able to return and we could figure everything out. I was hoping in the mean time that He would see the light, gain salvation, and all would be restored. What a testimony that would be. I was hanging on to this tiny piece of hope while everyone else was telling me to let go.
When I first came back here to Chicago in January 2013, I was still technically living in Texas. I was always planning on going back to Texas. Get the surgery, recover, return. Instead, my surgery turned into complications, additional diagnoses and treatment. I rarely made it to church because I was rarely strong enough. When I did, it was any church close to home for a short drive so I could handle it or have someone else drive me. In December 2013, I was made aware my then husband filed for divorce before I became strong enough to return. My mind was then on the divorce which dragged on until becoming final on paper in June 2014. Of course, also trying to stay close to God and going to church as often as I could, but my point of this entire background story is this...
I wasn't looking for a church to call home until the divorce was settled and I knew this, Chicago, was back to being my home. I was pretty resistant at first meaning I didn't want Chicago to be my home. I'm either a Texan or a Southern girl at heart, and yes those two are different. I wanted to be back there, with or without him; I wanted to do anything I could to get back there. But I finally realized, here is where I need to be for now. Even with that, there were and are still many days I am not strong enough or feeling too sick. I've probably been actively looking for a church for only a few months now. In that time I've made it a decent number of different churches, some of them multiple times. And yet I'm still looking. Though I 'like' a few of those churches, they don't feel what I felt in Texas. I miss my home, as I quickly referred to that church.
So when I started writing this, nothing I said above was going to be part of it but for some reason that's what my fingers typed and oddly enough it fits in to my story. What I was going to say is this: I had plans to go check out yet another church tonight, but I've felt God telling me to check out a different one instead. The one I feel Him telling me to check out I was going to actually go tomorrow because on Sundays they have a choir and on Saturdays they do not. I've been resisting, basically trying to reason with God saying come on can't I go tomorrow I know I will like it better then. Well I woke up with some bad nausea this morning. As soon as I said, fine I will go to the church you want me to go to tonight, that nausea subsided. Is God trying to prevent me from going to that other church tonight? Will I ever know or will I ever know why? Probably not. But I must trust that God knows infinitely more than I do. Maybe He is protecting me. Maybe this church tonight is where I'm supposed to be and He just wants to get me there quicker knowing I've been looking for some time and praying for this answer. Maybe... who knows... but God knows, and I must trust that.
It sounds so trivial just reading this probably. But it's actually so much larger. If we trust God in ALL times... if we listen to that quiet voice and follow it... if we override our own desires with His will for us... maybe the pieces of life will all come together a whole lot easier. He is always there. He is always watching out for us. He wants the best for us. He wants us to follow Him. But we still have that choice. Are we going to listen?
In the beginning, I mentioned what a testimony it would be if my marriage had been restored after all that happened. I was praying for it. I asked everyone else to pray for it. But it didn't happen.While going through it, I wondered why God wouldn't answer that prayer. But maybe He did, in a different way. Maybe He was preventing me from something that would be so much worse that I cannot see because I am not God. Or maybe He knows where He is taking me is better. Maybe that testimony is still being written. Maybe that great ending will still happen. With every quiet voice and every answer 'Yes, God,' I listen. I trust Him.
Where is God leading you? Are you choosing to follow or choosing to fight it?
God bless you.
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