Eliahna's birth story Part 2

If you didn't already read her actual birth story, start there. Those are the good parts.

I said I'd write more. I'm finally getting the chance to. 

So, the not so good parts about her birth story... Well, the hands off was really hands off. I know it's because of not enough nurses on duty but I had to wait a long while quite a few times. We were there several nights, and one night that I really needed sleep I asked for her to go to the nursery because she was waking every 30 minutes, literally. They took her, then brought her back to me saying they had no one to work the nursery at the moment and would come get her when they did. That was over 4 hours later. From prior to midnight until after 4am I was awake with Eliahna the whole time. Then of course at 6am someone comes in to check on me, so I really got no sleep. It's really frustrating because the nursery is there to care for the babies, yet there was no one available to care for the babies. Real nice. 

Edited to add this- I can’t believe I forgot this part. This was the worst part!! When they brought my baby back to me she REAKED of a perfumey smell! They either fully bathed her or at least washed her hair… when I clearly said NO baths! I was devastated! Not only because that means I didn’t give my baby, my last baby, her first bath, but much more so because it took away her new baby smell! The very smell that bonds a mama and baby, the smell that brings on those feel good hormones. To not have that at a day or two old was absolutely devastating. And I was angry. It was the one nurse I didn’t like- the one who was loud and obnoxious and forceful. The rest were pretty good but there is always that one, the one you hope you don’t get. To take that away from me with my last baby was so so sad. The smell came back a little bit, but not nearly to what it was. That’s something you can’t get back and it broke my heart as silly as it may sound. I longed for that bonding smell with her. 😭

The food was much to be desired. Not just the way it tasted. The last time I had a baby at this same hospital, they brought J and I a big table full of a special meal, even sparkling juice, for our after birth celebratory meal. This time they still brought a meal for J and I but it was just a typical hospital meal, nothing at all special. So I missed that because it was nice last time. In addition to that, the caf wasn't open at all during dinner or any meal on the weekends. We just so happened to be there over the weekend. So we had to order out a LOT. Thankfully there was door dash and stuff but that adds up fast! Hospital food isn't tasty but it's cheap and convenient.. yet that wasn't an option.

Overall, it very much went downhill there since I had Z. 

Afterwards, getting home, we had family here for only the first week. After only 1 week postpartum, then it was like sink or swim. I think we sank. A mom is supposed to rest at least the first 2 weeks after having a baby. I didn't get that luxury and I honestly was not so happy about it. Yes family helped for sure. But with 2 other kids and family visiting, I was doing just as much if not more than usual. I personally like no visitors at first but that’s not exactly possible to have help and no visitors when you have no local family. I was overwhelmed, as I’ve been after birth with visitors so soon here. It’s a no win situation for an introvert with no local family. I at least got an afternoon of just J and I and Eliahna. Honestly I needed 2 weeks of that… Then when family left, oh my goodness. The boys got their rashes AGAIN as soon as they went back to their preschool program. This was a disaster. What this meant was when J went to go pick them up, I would of course be caring for E. When the boys got home I would cook dinner plus care for E while he bathed them. Then I had to go put ointment on and bandage their rashes. This literally took an hour- an hour of muscle usage wrapping bandages for me takes me down fast. As us 2 juggled the 3 kids, all needing us at once. Then I'm trying to get dinner plated while still juggling all the above, then rush through my own meal to care for everyone else. Trying to balance bedtime nursing E but reading to the boys, with all of them seeming to want to go to bed at the same time. Then leading into the night...

Z has been a nightmare with sleep. He is SO attached to J that J has had to sleep with him overnight, not with me, not being available to me with E. We tried sleeping in the same room, Z in his own room that first week after family left. Z would start screaming at the top of his lungs when he woke up. So then I would wake not only for E but also Z. J would try to get Z back to sleep while I stayed awake with insomnia after I woke up. Joshua would also then be woken up. It was a nightmare. Finally I said just go sleep with Z because I can't handle this. So that's what happened meaning I cared for E all night and J had the boys if they woke up. It's still like that. Biggest problem is with my neuro muscular disease, lifting her over and over, caring for her literally around the clock 24-7 with little to no help IS. NOT. FEASIBLE. It's not a matter of "oh you can do this." Or "God's got this." Ok great, but I quite literally have a condition that puts me at risk using my muscles for hours on end without a true break. No one seems to get that unless they have what I have. Even then, most have family help, I don't locally at all. It's not that it's hard, I can do hard. It's that it's not possible under such circumstances to keep it up without me further declining or being useless to everyone.

Joshua also reverted back to trying to get into the kitchen every chance he has and eating whatever he can get his hands on. He breaks through baby gates and locks. It’s been insane.

Thankfully, after their preschool mowed, the rashes went away. I believe it was bugs in the tall grass biting them then when they scratched it got infected. Then just this past week E started sleeping through the night after we took her to a massage therapist. 4 out of the past 7 nights she slept til at least 4am without getting up overnight. That's wonderful! If I can at least get 5-7 hours of sleep I call it good. If I wake in the middle of the night, I can't fall back asleeep. If I don't get woken, I can sleep fairly well. So this is a huge help to me and I hope and pray it keeps up. But she's 8 weeks old now. It took nearly 8 weeks to get to this point. 8 weeks is the full amount of time I myself specifically am supposed to rest and take a break. HA HA HA- no break at all. It's a miracle I'm surviving, for real.

On top of that, E has a dairy allergy, a true allergy not a sensitivity. But she's also sensitive to soy and eggs. So I've been trying to navigate cutting out all 3 in my own diet. That's been the easier part even though not easy at all. The harder part about is has been the extreme judgement. I can't even believe it. People can be so cruel. Maybe they mean well, maybe not. But the number of people who have practically attacked me one way or another saying it's not an allergy (ok you barely know me or don't know me, haven't even met my baby, but please keep telling me this which is not helpful) or telling me do NOT under any circumstances resort to formula. Good grief. I know cutting out dairy, soy and eggs is HARD. I also know using formula is not easy. BOTH are expensive! There is no better or good option here. I have to do whatever I have to do to feed my baby. She was miserable. And no one considers how I feel in any of this. To feel like I can't even provide milk for my own baby, it's heart wrenching. Really. It's emotionally painful. I'm doing my best here. Since cutting it completely, I had a few mistakes with the soy and eggs, but for the most part we've had zero rashes, zero projectile vomits, only a little mucus and a little itching. It's hard for my family as well. I know J is sick of the same basic meals. I know the kids want to go out to eat once and a while. But navigating a food allergy when eating out is very difficult, on top of the challenge of adjusting to 3 kids 4 and under. I'm not complaining, I'm speaking the truth. 

So travel is pretty much off the table for now. I can only handle so much and I don't need to apologize for mine or my baby's needs in that. I just get very frustrated so many people in this world seem to have expectations and judgements on others when they don't even fully comprehend their situation thereby making it even harder than it needs to be on them, instead of being supportive and loving as we all should.

Anyways, given all we've had to handle on our own, I think I'm doing pretty darn well emotionally. However, the biggest emotion is frustration as I’m sure you can tell. It's so so hard not having family or close friends here. Especially now with 3 kids just occasionally wanting a break and not being able to get it. I do have the sin of envy of those who have grandparents or others nearby who they can send the kids to for a night or weekend, who get to go out on an actual date kid free, who get delivered all the meals from a big church or lots of local friends. It's so hard not having that. It makes me frustrated, sad, upset we don't have that. It makes me upset my kids don't have that. And there is so much more to it but I'll stop there.

I'll continue with the point of explaining why I'm also frustrated when people say move. I don't think people understand or care to believe the complexity of our situation. The reason this works here right now is because we have a house to live in and J's job allows him flexibility to help with the kids and home while I also help with his work stuff. We cannot afford another home rent or buy in this market. He cannot take on a second job because I truly need the help with the kids and home. I cannot take E out alone because I can't physically lift her baby carrier with her in it and I can't baby wear to carry her around without the carrier into the stroller. I cannot take the 2 boys out alone because well, they are a bit crazy. This is life with chronic illness whether people like it or not. Furthermore I tried to get us out of this situation years ago and well obviously things did not go the way I tried to get them to go, I should say the way I felt God lead us to go. Anyways. So this is what it is and that brings frustration also. 

Furthermore again, moving away isn't as easy as some people seem to think it is. J cannot drive in any state any of our family lives. J not driving means I have to drive literally everywhere. That uses muscle. Thinking about the day to day of life... when we have to take the kids to an appt I can't both drive one of the boys but also have E to nurse her. J would need to be with me for that to happen. J usually takes the kids to appts or all of us for that reason right now. Things like quick errands or driving the kids to and from school. It all adds up for me. If you add in all the driving completely on me, how would I be able to also manage the kids and home. Doing all the driving, so all the shopping, every appointment, every single errand, possibily driving him to and from a job if it wasn’t living right here, driving the kids to and from school, etc etc. I wouldn't. I couldn’t. Especially if you add on top of that a job where J didn't have the flexibility he has now. Even if family helped they aren’t going to drive us literally everywhere every single day. Maybe down the road when the kids are older and can handle more themselves, then yes maybe I can do it. But not now, not at this stage, it’s not possible for me to do even more than I’m already doing. Again think about me what you will but I’ve adapted to the life I’ve been given and it’s manageable… WHEN things are adjusted to how I need them to make it feasible. Otherwise I simply cannot do it. 

There is further complexity to this I won't explain here. Then of course the income having to work out, enough to afford a home, etc. etc. Things people aren't really thinking of. Just up and buying or renting a place we cannot afford would be flat out stupid. Sorry but it's true. There is so much complexity to this. I wait on God's lead. I tried to before but it didn't happen... and now I feel, stuck, waiting on God to lead again. We are here for now and for the unseeable future because that is where God placed us. We are here for a reason. And we truly are blessed to be here even though it's frustrating not having family and such. 

I know this sounds like one big complaint post. Whatever you think, go for it. I'm just being real. People don't like me for it, fine. This is who I am. I shared the good last time, I'm sharing the not so good this time. Because that is what life is. It's not all carebears and cupcakes and I don't support anyone who acts like it is. I also don't support dismissing people's feelings. Feelings and emotions are real. Ignoring them, dismissing them, telling someone others have it worse, or focus on the positive (aka being dismissive not acknowledging) does. not. help. What helps is listening, hearing, trying to understand, validating, empathizing, and being supportive or helpful in any way you can.

So if anyone is actually reading and still with me here, I'm going to create a third post... because I can't right now. I’ve been writing this on and off throughout the day but it’s the end of the day and Eliahna is crying to be picked up. Stay tuned for ways you can maybe help. We'd be grateful. Thank you.

Again if there are errors, I'm sorry. I don't have time to edit right now. Thanks for reading.

Eliahna's Birth Story

Well, here we are over 3 weeks after her birth, and I'm finally here to say she arrived! I've written a birth story for both of the boys so I had to for her as well, only I've not had any time to do so until now... and that's only because we got our broken swing fixed so I can now set her down while she naps! Hoping the boys stay content while I write this.

As has always been the case, I had been nervous she would arrive early, so we had my mom come early just in case so we would have someone here for the boys. But then stressor after stressor pure insanity happened, much of what I wrote about last time, and I guarantee that delayed labor. 41 weeks rolled around and still no baby. My doctor said I really couldn't/shouldn't go past 42 weeks so induction was set for exactly 42 weeks if I didn't go into labor. I tried everything I felt I safely could because induction or c-section was the absolute last thing I wanted, but stress continued and my body just wasn't ready to do this.

Finally at 41 weeks and 6 days... actually the night before that at 8pm, I started getting contractions. Well, I should say I started going into labor. Because I had contractions for weeks and weeks before this just nothing getting stronger. So 8pm early labor started and eventually I was able to dose off for a couple hours, only to wake up around 1am with the contractions stronger. At that point I didn't fall back asleep even though I tried. Around 5am I knew baby was going to come along soon. I was awake by myself and got ready, finished packing my bags and laid on the couch through the contractions. Around 7am I went to see J and Z who were waking up and I told J I'd been having contractions. I said let's give the boys a normal morning with breakfast and then do baths and go from there (because we were still dealing with the staph rashes I had to keep bandaging and I wanted to avoid my mom having to deal with that with both of them alone). We did all that and when I was in the middle of something contractions weren't too bad, but if I wasn't doing anything I could definitely feel them. I wanted to stay home as long as possible for our boys. I was very concerned leaving Z for the first time with as absolutely attached he is to J. It was almost lunch time and I asked my mom to pick something up so I could be full going into this. While she was gone I was like, yeah we probably need to go soon. But she returned, I ate, and I said ok let's do nap time to give the boys a little more time with us here, I'll be fine. So we did nap time. During nap time, I thought I really should get going soon. They were definitely getting painful- for hours now I was having to stop and close my eyes and breathe through them. So the boys woke up, we said goodbye, and headed out on the hour drive there. By then I think contractions were about 3-4 minutes apart and hurting pretty bad.

When we got to the hospital, for the first time in all 3 births I lost it a bit. I don't know if it was because this was going to be my last time doing this, or because I was finally getting my baby girl, or because I was scared the pain I was going to have to go through, or fearing baby would be too big and I'd need a c-section after all... probably all the above hitting me at once. We got to the nurses station and I was crying and she asked "Is this your first baby?" I then laughed and said "No, it will be my third born, not sure why I'm like this..." But at that moment I felt like a new mom all over again... a new room to labor and birth in, new nurses, even a new doula this time around because mine wasn't doing that anymore. 

At first I got nervous, the nurse seemed pushy talking about putting monitors on me and having me sign certain papers and such. But oddly enough as soon as I gave her my birth plan, she completely backed off. Maybe it was my birth plan or who she saw I had for my doctor (the most natural minded around who many natural minded mamas drive hours just to see so everyone knows that) but everything changed then and it was hands off. In fact it was SO hands off through the process I was shocked and at times myself even had to ask for a few things. Anyways, I was 6 cm dialated when I got to the hospital... yay! In the past I got there when I was only 3-4 so I was glad to have already gotten through some of it from home. Shortly after my doula arrive and things really started to rev up in pain. 

This was absolutely my most vocal labor... like screaming, pretty sure I didn't do that before. It's so odd how every labor and delivery is so different. With JJ, I had horrible back labor and needed pressure applied to my lower back so much that I had bruises. I also tried many positions and the labor tub. With Z, I had to look J in the eye for some reason and that helped. This time I didn't want anyone to touch me, I was much more emotional and much more vocal as well. 

Then I knew I was in transition. At that point I couldn't talk, I was out of energy, I said I couldn't do this anymore. Every time you say you can't do this anymore, that's when you know you hit transition... the time has almost come! I just kept telling myself in my head that, she's almost here! It's almost over! You can do this... actually no, God can do this through you, and I said that one out loud.

My absolute favorite part of labor (is there a favorite part of being in the worst intense pain in your life?!) was when I said "I didn't even open my bible yet! I need to!" Because I did that with each one. Being in such pain and a bit out of it, one of my doulas (my doula kindly brought her backup also) asked if I wanted her to read it to me. Yes. That moment, me on the bed face down over pillows, J hand on my back rubbing it and her reading to me... it was special, it was beautiful, it was my moment. And my other doula took a picture I will cherish forever.

Eventually I said ok to getting checked again and I was 9 cm. I said to the dr, you had me push at 8 cm last time, can I not do that again? He said I could push whenever I feel the need to. I was like "Really?! Because I felt the need to a long time ago!" Again.. feeling like a new mom clueless all over again. But he sat there and I kept saying I know you know I'm not ready because you're not ready and the table with all the stuff isn't even in here. Haha I'm a bit too perceptive even in immense pain. So he said "Ok, I'll get the table, does that make you feel better?" 

So there is this time in between transition and pushing where everything tends to pause. At that time I was joking around. I can't remember what but I know I kept saying probably ridiculous things and questioning my dr in joking ways. Those were good moments also. Then the table came in but it wasn't until my doula pointed out he was getting suited up that I knew it was for real. And I probably lost it again... I don't want to go through this, but she's almost here... but this is my last time. Such bitter sweet moments. 

With JJ I had literally 3-4 hours of pushing, it was horrible. With Z it was about 1-2. Here we were, I asked if it would be soon. One said yes, the other said it could be hours. My dr said it's up to you and how much you could push. I said "Remember I have myasthenia and it's so hard for me to do this. Can you help?" I said every time I wasn't going to have assistance but every time when I got to this point beyond exhausted, I agreed to it. This time I asked for it. It was only about 5-10 minutes later, 5-10 minutes of pushing and she was here! Let me tell you THAT was THE most painful delivery of them all. Oh. My. Goodness. I worried she was going to be like 12 lbs. The head was bad but the shoulders... oh the shoulders... I knew it was shoulders without looking or anyone telling me. Wow. July 21st, 7:09 pm just hours short of being induced at 42 weeks! My last baby arrived naturally and another prayer was answered. 

She was placed on my chest and I did it! It was over! Again what did I do? I looked... I looked and laughed and maybe cried I don't even remember, and I said "It's actually a girl!" I was still in disbelief but there she was. She was screaming! That actually scared me. JJ came out pretty silent and needed pumped because breathing issues. Z I think cried only a little. This baby wow, she was a screamer. She reminded me of what my parents said I was... I made myself known once I was out, and she did as well! She was here and she wanted the whole world to know it! But because that never happened to me before I kept asking if she was ok. They assured me this was in fact normal and a good thing, she was breathing well and doing well. 

Then another shock was she just continued to lay there on me. I know the first 1-2 hours baby should remain on mama but with the boys JJ had to come off of me immediately to get pumped to breathe and I was absolutely out of it sick, and with Z they took him very shortly after just to put a diaper on and weigh and measure. She stayed on me. And in the process she pooped on me... and pooped again... and again. What on earth. I was like is anyone going to take her off of me at some point and clean us up here?! 

Finally they took her and got everything cleaned up so I could finally eat as well. She weighed in at 9 lbs 11 oz... we like to say she was actually over 10 lbs before all that poop came out. 😂 And she was 21.5 inches long.

Now the name, oh the name. Ok so before we knew gender, two names stood out to me- the girl name had to be a God thing because I don't even know if I had ever heard it before. It was Ezra for a boy (though if it was a boy I actually wanted Elijah instead)... but Ezra means "Lord, help" and we were certainly going to need it. And Eliahna for a girl. When I went through my list of names, I was shocked J actually liked that one. And there was no other girl name we could agree on. That one felt what God wanted. But I struggled with this one, not because of the name but because of the spelling. I literally had about 20 different ways to spell it. I didn't want it to be spelled Ellie at the beginning because I didn't want that to be her nickname. I didn't want it to be spelled the traditional way of Eliana because I read about girls then accidentally being called Elaina. The way we spelled it was the one I just kept coming back to. Besides all our kids have an h in their name, so it only makes sense right? Sure. Eliahna it is. Pronounced Ellie AH nuh. Name means "God has answered." And that he has. My girl is finally here and worth the wait. And so many prayers answered in the process during the pregnancy and delivery. Thank you Jesus for this gift of life who is finally here!

I have so much else to say but I'm going to leave this here in being a positive post, and because I need to attend to the kids, and I'll come back hopefully soon to add another post- of the issues, the struggles, the needs and more. Please come back to read it! Thank you for your prayer through this difficult pregnancy and for rejoicing with us that she is safely here! Please continue prayer for us for so many reasons. Through it all, through the trials, through the pain, and through the joy, I praise Him!

PS. I don't have time to edit before posting this so sorry for any errors! Will come back later to do that.

Spiritual Attack- In desperate need of much prayer

 I don't really know why I'm posting this, I don't know where I'm about to go with this, I just felt the desire to write. So it might be all over the place because it's going to be very raw and unedited, not even thought out as I normally do. I don't know if anyone will even read it, but that's not the point I guess. Writing used to be my release, and I need release... of all this stress, all this tension, all this evil attacking my life.

This is my last pregnancy, my last baby. The pregnancies of my boys went so well as far as the pregnancy itself. There was a lot of stress in both, more for Joshua, but I got through it no problem. Of course I had hoped, and actually probably expected, this pregnancy wouldn't be any different. Instead it's been so extremely different, so difficult, in so many ways. And it all went downhill since finding out the gender. I actually had a feeling that because it was a girl, the devil was going to attack hard, HARD. He wasn't going to let me experience the joy I desired in this. He wasn't going to let my last pregnancy be blissful, enjoyable, peaceful or anything positive. And that's exactly what has happened.

I am 41 weeks tomorrow. I'm on the clock and feeling so much pressure. And that delays labor. You know what else delays labor? Stress. And the amount of stress upon me has been astronomical. Let me just mention *some* of the things that have happened just over the last several months, all since finding out this was a girl- 

septic problems, plumbing problems, mold problems, car problems, multiple sicknesses, stepfamily stuff, conflicts and attacks from others, being jolted in the car with horrible back pain that I couldn’t even move after, leading to abdominal pain and bleeding scaring me about baby, another back episode, J losing his credit card, my credit card number somehow being stolen... I'm sure there is much much more... but then just over the past month all the following...

My mom came to stay with us in order to watch the boys when I go into labor. The plan was to keep the boys home from their preschool program to try to avoid sickness as much as possible. The plan was also for me to rest as much as possible, relax (in order for my body to even go into labor), while my mom helped out a lot. I'm now angry at myself I didn't pull them out sooner. Only days into her being here, at nearly 38 weeks pregnant, Z got horribly sick, and I mean horribly. He had 105 fever overnight, throwing up, shaking. I really didn't know what to do and called 911. The paramedics came and said there is a virus going around just like this. The next day he was no better, and miserable, and so we had to take him to the ER, the first time either of my kids ever had to do so. That night and days ahead were filled with nonstop cleaning, washing sheets and clothing and towels, caring for him. At the end of the week he was improving... just in time for my mom to then get sick. So instead of getting a break, I was actually doing more, way more... because typically the kids weren't home during the day but now they were, and getting over sickness, and my mom sick. More cooking, more cleaning, more of everything. Please don't take this as a complaint or asking for sympathy, I'm not. I'm stating facts and sharing my feelings of how incredibly difficult this has been. About a week later, my mom started feeling better. Oh but now what... Joshua has a rash all over his leg that we thought was bug bites now developing into something nasty. Of course that was over the holiday weekend so there was no way to reach a doctor about it for days. In the mean time, I used manuka honey and covered it. Then when they opened, we took him to the doctor and they cultured it. We found out he has impetigo and staph. On antibiotics. One day later, Z caught it. On antibiotics. Highly, highly contagious, now 40 weeks pregnant. More cleaning, everything, repeatedly, so much. And then my having to change their bandages... sounds like no big deal, but at 40 weeks pregnant plus normal health issues, doing that was absolutely beyond exhausting. This is going to sound ridiculous but changing those multiple bandages, putting on ointment, all over Joshua's body and a few spots on Z, then disinfecting everything touched in the process, literally made me sweat and made me out of breath. Keeping the kids in long sleeves and pants to avoid spreading it, meaning they can't really play outside in the heat then either. It's starting to improve, but it's still beyond exhausting. Now add in even more stepfamily stuff, absolutely beyond stressful stuff. 

And during all of this I had found out baby was breech, head up. My dr wanted to immediately have me go to the hospital and put me on medications and then help manually turn the baby. I just didn't feel right about it, didn't feel a peace about it. Mainly because J's annual eye dr appointment- which already got rescheduled, was the next day, 2 hours away. And he had to go and pass it because there is a time limit for it and if he didn't he would lose his license. I couldn't risk that. I decided I would wait on trying to turn baby, pray, do exercises, and everything possible for baby to turn on her own. 

Thankfully 2 positives- J passed his eye test the next day, and a day later I asked Joshua- who seems to have a strong connection to this baby- to tell the baby to turn. He said "Turn around baby, and put your bootie in the air!" That night as I was drifting off to sleep, she turned!! It was the weirdest feeling but such a relief. Thank you Joshua, and mainly, thank you Jesus!

Since then, I accidentally jammed a screwdriver into my nail and then my skin. I got bit by a tick, again, that turned into a bullseye Lyme disease rash, again. I’ve fought off catching all the sickness. And I’ve literally barely slept at all in the past probably 3-4 months.

Oh but now, our fridge AND FREEZER is out. As of yesterday the temperature was around 50. And I noticed it *after* we ate dinner. So now there is not only the risk of food poisoning, when I could go into labor, but we lost everything in our fridge and freezer. We just stocked up on everything so my mom would have everything needed for the boys while I'm having the baby. The fridge repair guys car broke down on the way here. The fan thing is broken. It’ll take a week to get in. A week with no fridge and freezer, while the boys are on refrigerated medication. While at some point I’ll be in the hospital. What is my mom going to cook and how? We got a mini fridge but it’s not meant for much and we already lost it all- hundreds of dollars, if not more, of food, condiments, supplements etc.  No insurance won’t cover it and we have a very high deductible. I have a horrible headache, possibly from the guy smelling of smoke which I’m allergic to, possibly from the dust from it all, which I’m also allergic to, possibly pre-e coming on since my blood pressure has been soaring as well. This is seriously insane. The amount of attacks from every direction is INSANE. I am absolutely beyond astonished, stressed, frustrated etc. Unbelievable.

And I haven’t even mentioned til now how with my MG, I’m supposed to AVOID stress. Avoid it. Because it takes you down with MG, and I’m starting to feel that. You know what that could lead to? A diaphragm that fails me, a ventilator. I can’t control it. I’ve had no one to take the brunt of it. It’s on me. So much weight upon me, some of which isn’t even mine to bear, but it’s placed upon me anyways. 

Through all of this I have strongly lacked the in person support I feel I need and desire. No one has any idea. It’s insanely hard living away from my family, especially during times such as this. I have been attacked from every angle, every minute, so tangibly. It's horrible. It's horribly hard. I have had to trust in Christ alone, which I should anyways. He has been my sole strength. I think I made a comment one day at lunch something like, "I don't know how I'm surviving." And my mom replied, "I do," and pointed up. Christ alone, that's how. He has proven His strength through my weakness now more than ever before. More than when I was previously cheated on and went through a divorce, more than all the many health problems, more than my surgery, more than my pulmonary embolism in which I felt my life be at risk, more than all of it combined. Right now He is proving His Word is true and He is who He says He is. But He's also showing me to stop relying on anyone else. Now that's seriously hard when it comes to physical stuff- the need for a rest, a break from the kids, cooking, cleaning etc. God's not physically here with me to do all that. Thankfully my mom is, and better, and helping a lot. But it's still way way way more and way harder than I thought.

I am praying this baby comes on her own, in God's timing, before 42 weeks. I don't want to be induced. Being induced comes with more risks, and risk of it leading to c-section- facing that once again. I know a lot of people say a c-section isn't so bad and so on. Those people are not me. My health issues, more than just MG, present a large variety of problems to have a c-section. It's no simple task and definitely no simple recovery... especially without support. My mom will be gone right after baby. My mom in law has to go back to work. I will have no one, especially emotionally in person as needed. And again, Christ alone, but how does that work when I physically wouldn't be able to do anything recovering... with a newborn and 2 very very loud and wild boys needing attention? 

It's been absolute insanity. Honestly it's brought me to having a lot of regrets about poor choices I've made along the way to getting here. It's led to a lot of resentment, even hatred. It's led to a lot of horrible feelings because of what I've been dealing with that no one knows of. 

I need support. I need prayer. I need Jesus, so so so very much. Just give me Jesus!

Lord, please bring this baby earthside soon, before the need for induction. Please reduce all stressors for my body to be able to go into labor, and my blood pressure reaching near dangerously high due to stress, to go down. Please have everything go as well and smoothly as possible, with as quick and painless of a natural labor and delivery as possible, with a healthy baby and mama, with the support physically, mentally, emotionally and especially spiritually as needed. Please provide for my needs as you know they are, give me rest, give me sleep, bring me peace and less stress. Bring me support where you know I need it. Please help the boys rashes to completely heal, and none of us to catch it. Please keep us all healthy and well today and the days forward. Please please repair our fridge and prevent all of us from getting sick from food or anything else especially right now, before labor, with one bathroom. Please take away my hatred, my resentment, my bitterness, my hard feelings against anyone- honestly including against you Lord. It’s so easy to blame You for not taking these problems away! I feel like Job in the Bible, and then some, all over again just like I felt when I lived in Texas. Please, open the hearts of those who don't yet know Jesus and don't even realize they don't know Jesus- for those with all the head knowledge but not the heart. Break their hearts for what breaks Yours. Lead them to You, to surrender, fully surrender, and submit to You, Christ alone. For You ALONE can fill them. I believe in that, I trust in that. I give my life over to You and ask You to do with it as You please, however hard it is You will be my strength and get me through it. I rebuke the devil, Satan, all evil spirits and demons in the Name of Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior, and the only one who can overcome ALL. It's in Jesus Name I pray, and surrender, Amen.

This is my heart. Please pray with me through this. Thank you.

Gender Reveal

 In case you aren't on facebook and didn't see the video posted, it's a.... GIRL!!!

I am absolutely shocked! I shouldn't be though. Why? Because this...

A short while before getting pregnant, Joshua said to me "God told me I'm going to have a baby sissy soon." We thought he was a bit crazy. Yeah right, another baby wasn't in the cards, and a girl.. ha! I had to grieve that loss of a dream a while back. Even if we got pregnant, there's no way he could be right on gender.

Well, we got pregnant. That's kind of crazy in of itself. But I won't share that story.

With Joshua, I knew his gender, his name, even the day he would be born. God revealed it all. With Z, I had a strong strong feeling he was a boy. God revealed his name much later on. With this baby, I had a slight feeling it was a girl BUT... I denied it. I resisted it. I told myself there was no way, this feeling had to be wrong. 

Why would I think anything from God, either through Joshua or myself, was wrong? Don't doubt God. Faith. That word keeps coming to me this pregnancy yet again as it did for Z as well. 

With God, all things truly are possible, and through this He has definitely shown it. 

IT'S A GIRL!!!! 

I'm shocked, excited and also nervous. After 2 boys I'm actually thinking to myself, how on earth do I raise a girl??? I don't know. But I'm blessed to have the opportunity soon! And yes, I've already gone shopping for some girl stuff. 💗😂

Continued prayers are appreciated as this pregnancy has been quite the ride so far. Prayers for everything to happen as God intends it, for peace no matter the stressors and that stress to not affect baby girl, and if it be God's will- for another full term, natural delivery with a healthy baby and a healthy mama with no complications! 💕

It's a....

4 weeks ago, at my anatomy scan, we could have found out the gender. However, Jeremy wasn’t able to be with me for it and I didn’t want to find out gender alone. I also didn’t want them to write it on a piece of paper knowing they would write small and when we opened it Jeremy wouldn’t be able to see it. So, I typed out in big letters BOY and GIRL. I then pasted them inside black construction paper so that I couldn’t read it through an envelope. I asked the ultrasound tech to put which gender it was inside the envelope and throw out the other. 

Here’s the thing… when I pasted it, the boy one had a little bump in it from the glue that I couldn’t smooth out. I knew if I touched that bump I would know it’s a boy, ruining any surprise. Fast forward. We waited a couple weeks before deciding to find out. I wasn't ready to know yet. I enjoyed waiting til birth to find out for Z, but... this time around I need to buy baby stuff either way! Different seasons and I got rid of most everything. That morning I grabbed the envelope to put in my purse… and when I did… I felt a bump. I ruined the surprise. Well, I put it in my purse and didn’t say anything to Jeremy.

Now being the day we were going to find out gender, we wanted to make it fun. We planned that after finding out, we would go shopping for some outfits then go out to lunch. 

But first we had to drop off the boys, then drop off our taxes. It was raining. Driving all the way back home to find out seemed silly because it’s nearly an hour round trip and all the stores and restaurants were where we already were. Where could we do our own reveal while out, in the rain? Well, I thought to myself I already know it’s a boy, so it doesn’t really matter where we do this. Why not just reveal in the car at the tax place. I mean, that makes sense right? Lol 

Stay tuned for part 2… a video.. which is very clear in the beginning that I knew I felt the boy card and ruined any surprise… but the video is worth watching anyways. 

Surprise! Here we go again!

I have questioned writing this for a while. I don't really use this blog anymore. But, as I've done for every baby, I've wanted to do for this one, sharing the story during pregnancy and later the birth.

So, as anyone reading this probably already knows by now, we're pregnant again! Now let me step back in time for a moment.

Prior to becoming a Christian, 10 years ago, I didn't really want kids. Once I became a Christian, I absolutely opened that door. After marrying my husband, that solidified that I really did want kids, but I didn't really think it was possible because of several reasons. Well, surprise, we had Joshua. I remember immediately after the birth I told J "ok, we don't have to have anymore!" That was only because that labor was so incredibly painful and difficult and long. Well, surprise, pregnant with Gideon, but he went directly to be with Jesus in heaven. After that I really wanted another, I really wanted Joshua to have a sibling close in age. Though we weren't really on the same page with that yet, surprise, pregnant with Z. And while there are many moments that are quite the challenge and test my patience, I am so glad God blessed our family with him. 

So here's the thing next to no one knows. When I was pregnant with Z, before he was even earthside with us, I had this vision. It was of 2 boys and 1 girl. I could not get that out of my head. Was that about our two sons and J's daughter? It felt not. Did God want us to have more? Shutting the door on it completely felt like I would be saying no to God. I couldn't do that. It felt wrong. No matter my desires, it's His will not mine. No matter my abilities or strength, it's His power not mine. I had to leave that door open. But over time, I inched closer to worldly pressures more and more. I finally agreed I would sell or donate baby items and maternity clothes, and I did. 

Literally about a month after selling and donating nearly every baby and maternity thing I had, we went on our belated 5 year anniversary trip to the beach. On the way back, I actually joked to J that it was the first time we were at the beach together without a baby in me. Well..... wrong! About 2 weeks after returning from the beach guess what, surprise, positive pregnancy test!

Honestly, my initial reaction was fear. This world is nuts. I don't want to bring another baby into it. Why now? Why me? God is this really what you want? Is this really happening again? And then the selfish thoughts... I don't want to go through the whole baby stage again- the sleepless nights, nursing with mastitis, blow out diapers, potential of colic again, etc. But I reminded myself, this isn't about me. I reminded myself of the vision I previously had. And I reminded myself of this, which still to this day I find crazy...

Shortly before that beach trip, on some random day, out of nowhere. Joshua blurted this out to me: "God told me I'm going to have a baby sissy soon." Wait, what? Joshua, what? Did God really say that? Are you making that up? When? You know that means I would need to have a baby in me right? Well, ever since then he kept saying it. He insisted it would happen. And it did, as a surprise to us. How did he know before we did? Even if it's not a girl and he's wrong about gender, it's still kind of crazy. Like, gives me goosebumps crazy.

Fast forward to after finding out I was pregnant, and we hadn't told the kids yet. Now randomly Z points to my belly and says "baby!" 

Well, finally we told the kids. Joshua was SO excited, I mean, capturing his face on camera was absolutely priceless. He now calls this "my baby," meaning his baby. He literally cries if he wants to "see" or "hug" his baby and I'm busy at the time. Let's hope he's this loving once baby arrives here! 

So, this pregnancy has been... rough! By far the hardest of my pregnancies. Maybe because I'm older. Maybe for other reasons that other women are also having the hardest pregnancies they've had also. I read back on what I mentioned while pregnant with Z and oddly I don't remember much of that. But this time I was so super nauseated every single day and night nearly 24-7 from weeks 6-14. It literally kept me awake feeling so sick. And I was absolutely beyond exhausted. So much so it affected how often I did really anything at all. So many days I allowed more video time than I would prefer for the boys, or just had them cuddle with me on the couch. I felt horrible but was in survival mode. I had and still have food aversions to nearly everything. I used to plan the weekly menu, and this time around I could barely think about the next meal of the day. I've been eating whatever sounds tolerable at any given meal. At the same time, I've already gained so much weight I feel like a whale. This one is rough! On a positive note, I'm not really getting zits this time around, but that's mainly because they've already come and just stayed there, lol.

So, back to gender. I'm inclined to say Joshua is probably wrong. At this point I feel like it's just not even possible for us to have a girl together. Medically speaking, with timing and location of placenta, it's probably another boy. And the honest truth is literally all of us want a girl this time. Everyone knows I want my own daughter to birth and raise and watch grow and do all those girly things with. But after having 2 loud and wild boys, even J said he'd prefer a girl this time, to maybe bring a little more peace and quiet to such a loud house. Don't get me wrong, we love our boys, but I don't think people are thinking straight when they say boys are easier to raise than girls. 😬 Joshua of course REALLY wants and believes he's getting a sissy. And Jeremy's daughter has wanted a girl ever since the first time I was pregnant. Z, well, I don't think he really knows what's about to happen here. But, it's in God's hands. It does often make me question how I can have such a strong desire go unfullfilled when God says he will give the desires of your heart if your heart aligns with His. Does mine not? Am I too selfish with this? I don't know, probably. Still, it's a desire, and it's strong. Still again, I and we will love this baby regardless.

People say you will know when you're done having kids. All along, after every baby and loss, I've never felt that peace or clarity. I haven't felt done at all. More importantly, I haven't felt God is done... until this one. Something has changed now. I finally feel that peace. I finally feel that closure. This is our last one. This is our finale baby. This baby completes our family regardless of gender or anything else. This is it. 

Another odd thing about that is this... both boys birthdays have only the numbers of 1s, 2s and 7s in them (and 0 for the year). Well, J's fav number or whatever you want to call it is 17. Mine is 2. Crazy enough, this baby is due in July (month 7) of 2022. So it very well could be another round of 1s, 2s, and 7s! 7-1-22 or 7-11-22 or 7-17-22. Maybe its not, but the possibilty of it makes it all so weird. Literally if we were to have any more kids after this the possibility of having a child with a birthday of only 1s, 2s, and 7s (and 0), doesn't exist until I would be too old to have them. Ok, now that I've made you think I'm crazy, I'll come back to reality here...

I am blessed. We are blessed. Of course it will be hard, a challenge, test our patience, stress us out, financially stretch us... but every baby is a blessing. Now that the nausea has improved and I have slightly more energy, I'm trying to enjoy this last pregnancy. I'm excited to hopefully soon start feeling baby kick. In a month we will probably find out gender so I can prepare again, since I really have nothing, and the clothes I do have are opposite seasons! I'm trying not to think of what the world might look like by July, but instead focus on this baby and more importantly on God getting us through this. Faith over fear, always.

Prayers appreciated for health, baby's health, safety, and a peace about whatever happens or wherever God leads us. Thank you Lord for allowing me to experience pregnancy one more time, and entrusting us to raise up another one of Your children. 💗

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; Jeremiah 1:5