Here's a few things I'd like everyone to know.
#1- Due to my health issues- physical health issues- my tolerance of stress is very very low. You see most people start with an empty glass and every bit of stress is like a little pour of water. It can take a while to fill up that glass. Well, for me that glass is already pretty close to the top. Just a little bit and it puts me over the edge. If my stress level is over the edge, I can't mentally/emotionally function anymore. I can't control this, I can't change this. I get it doesn't seem normal or easy to understand but it is what it is and I have to deal with it.
#2- Stress is bad for everyone in general. Well stress is worse for me or anyone with health issues. Stress flares up my symptoms very quickly and very horribly. To the point I then can't physically function.
#3- I'm pregnant- that means hormones- up and down roller coaster emotions on top of the two above.
#4- I'm pregnant- I'm caring for another life inside me. Stress can harm not only my health but his as well. Stress in mothers is known to cause issues in babies and later in children.
Thus, I try everything in my power to avoid stress, to avoid things that trigger me which will cause stress. And I have asked those very close to me to help with that as much as humanly possible. So what are my triggers? (Trigger warning-- skip to under the dotted line if anything could set off what emotionally hurts you.)
#1- Feeling like a failure, like I'm always wrong. (I came out of an emotionally abusive manipulative relationship).
#2- Feeling unloved, not cared about, abandoned. (I was cheated on and left for another with no regard for my well being whatsoever-literally left alone in the hospital as he traveled out of state on vacation).
#3- Feeling like I'm not a priority to my spouse or having others close to us talk behind my back. (My ex never did the leave and cleave- his family was #1, I was somewhere lower on the list. His family talked about me behind my back merely because we had different political stances and quickly turning horribly bad with one calling me a name, I won't repeat, to him and he didn't stand up for me.)
#4- Being reminded that I may never have a daughter. Please understand this is absolutely separate from having a son. It's not if I desire a daughter that I can't love my son. I will love my son, but my heart deeply longs to have a daughter. There is nothing wrong with my feelings nor expressing them.
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You see we all have triggers due to our individual life situations, perhaps how we were raised, going through divorce, or any other life situation. We can do our best to prevent those things from being set off- like staying away from things that can do that, but some things are out of control. So the more people are aware, the better they can hopefully choose to help.
At the same time, I strongly disagree with living in a world where everyone is so politically correct, so cautious to not say anything that could somehow someway hurt another that no one is allowed to express themselves, that we all mesh into carbon copies instead of how we are- uniquely created by God. If you know someone's trigger- don't set it off. If you have unkind words about someone else, don't speak them, pray about it. But don't stop being you out of fear someone out there may not agree. You can be sensitive without trying to please everyone, because pleasing everyone is impossible. Because who will you choose to please- this person or that person- because one or the other is going to disagree? No. You please God. Only God. He created us and designed us individually. Of course we are all still a work in progress, but let God do that work and don't let others stop it.
These are not just my wants or desires, these are my needs so that I can stay in the best possible health to carry this baby to the best possible health. Please help me. I'm crying out, literally, and desperately in need of people to lift me up to God to carry me through this. I'm making myself completely vulnerable by sharing my emotions, and I appreciate each and every person who chooses to support and not judge me through this. Thank you.
Saturday, July 29, 2017
Monday, July 10, 2017
Real
I mentioned in the last post, the next would be a positive one. This will be, but it's not the same post I had in mind... that will come after this. I just felt I had to say this first.
The last post was upsetting, depressing... but, it was real. Real. I know a lot of people probably don't agree with my opening up my life to the world. A lot of people probably think I shouldn't be sharing the majority of what I share or in the ways I share it.
But here's the thing. I received a number of replies both publicly as well as privately that showed me people can relate. And just as that made me feel like I'm not alone, it would do the same for them. There was a reason to connect, a reason for support, a reason for compassion, especially a reason for prayer. How would that have happened if I continued to bottle it all in? Not only would I cause myself to become depressed, others out there wouldn't have a clue I'm going through this and couldn't relate as well. It could become a waterfall effect in a negative regard.
What about with my health? It's the same thing. I've had countless people contact me asking about lyme disease or MG because they or someone else they know had been affected or had symptoms and didn't know where to turn.
And divorce? Stepfamilies? Ministry life? Etc? Same thing.
Opening up allows others to relate to you. Opening up allows others to see you are real. Opening up allows others to see just because your facebook photos are all happy you really don't have it all together.
I started this blog about 4 years ago. At the time, my husband at the time had separated from me in a very cruel way, and wanted a divorce. About to turn 30, I moved back in with my parents. Along with that I was facing a major surgery and then complications from that surgery. My life was a downward spiral.
Imagine if I didn't share any of that, if none of you knew even one bit of it. Imagine if I made myself out to be someone who had it all together, who blew through those trials in life without struggle, or didn't even have a struggle as if it didn't affect me. You'd probably feel like wow, she's really got something I don't and I can't live up to that. You'd probably be completely unable to relate to a perceived perfection no one can truly attain. The glory would go to me when it shouldn't. And while in the process, no one could relate. But I didn't hide it, I shared it- pretty much all of it. So you knew where I came from, and you know where I'm at today.
Opening up... allows others to see God working through us.
Today I'm blessed to be married to a wonderful husband with a baby on the way. Of course it still comes with many trials, but I'm so far from where I was years ago. And how did I get there? Him. It was all Him. God truly can take a mess and turn it into a message as they say. He can truly take a test and turn it into a testimony. But it can't become a testimony if you don't share it, if you don't let others into your inner life. And most importantly if you don't turn your life over to Him.
Christian or not, we will all face trials. Christian or not, no one is perfect. But having Christ in your life changes your world for the better, regardless of what the world entails. And allowing others to see Christ working through you, can cause them to want Christ in their life also. And isn't that what this life is all about? Him. Don't hide the work He is doing in your life. Let others see it. Let others see that yeah maybe this life is a mess, but you have the perfect God who can sort through it.
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
The last post was upsetting, depressing... but, it was real. Real. I know a lot of people probably don't agree with my opening up my life to the world. A lot of people probably think I shouldn't be sharing the majority of what I share or in the ways I share it.
But here's the thing. I received a number of replies both publicly as well as privately that showed me people can relate. And just as that made me feel like I'm not alone, it would do the same for them. There was a reason to connect, a reason for support, a reason for compassion, especially a reason for prayer. How would that have happened if I continued to bottle it all in? Not only would I cause myself to become depressed, others out there wouldn't have a clue I'm going through this and couldn't relate as well. It could become a waterfall effect in a negative regard.
What about with my health? It's the same thing. I've had countless people contact me asking about lyme disease or MG because they or someone else they know had been affected or had symptoms and didn't know where to turn.
And divorce? Stepfamilies? Ministry life? Etc? Same thing.
Opening up allows others to relate to you. Opening up allows others to see you are real. Opening up allows others to see just because your facebook photos are all happy you really don't have it all together.
I started this blog about 4 years ago. At the time, my husband at the time had separated from me in a very cruel way, and wanted a divorce. About to turn 30, I moved back in with my parents. Along with that I was facing a major surgery and then complications from that surgery. My life was a downward spiral.
Imagine if I didn't share any of that, if none of you knew even one bit of it. Imagine if I made myself out to be someone who had it all together, who blew through those trials in life without struggle, or didn't even have a struggle as if it didn't affect me. You'd probably feel like wow, she's really got something I don't and I can't live up to that. You'd probably be completely unable to relate to a perceived perfection no one can truly attain. The glory would go to me when it shouldn't. And while in the process, no one could relate. But I didn't hide it, I shared it- pretty much all of it. So you knew where I came from, and you know where I'm at today.
Opening up... allows others to see God working through us.
Today I'm blessed to be married to a wonderful husband with a baby on the way. Of course it still comes with many trials, but I'm so far from where I was years ago. And how did I get there? Him. It was all Him. God truly can take a mess and turn it into a message as they say. He can truly take a test and turn it into a testimony. But it can't become a testimony if you don't share it, if you don't let others into your inner life. And most importantly if you don't turn your life over to Him.
Christian or not, we will all face trials. Christian or not, no one is perfect. But having Christ in your life changes your world for the better, regardless of what the world entails. And allowing others to see Christ working through you, can cause them to want Christ in their life also. And isn't that what this life is all about? Him. Don't hide the work He is doing in your life. Let others see it. Let others see that yeah maybe this life is a mess, but you have the perfect God who can sort through it.
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Saturday, July 8, 2017
A Topic No One Talks About
If you've dealt with infertility or loss, please stop reading right here. It may trigger feelings that don't need to be resurfaced. For everyone else, please read cautiously and with an open and compassionate heart and mind. Thank you.
It's a topic no one talks about. And I hate even bringing it up. It makes me feel horribly guilty. But you know what, it needs to be talked about. Because what I've found while dealing with this myself is that MANY other women are too- quietly, softly, inside, to themselves, in pain, without support. And not getting that support just makes the issue so much worse.
I absolutely hate this term but this is what it's called- gender disappointment.
For those who don't yet know, I'm sorry you are finding out in this way but- our baby is a boy- a healthy beautiful growing boy. I "knew" our baby was a boy from day 1, honestly. I'll tell that story and a much more positive one next time. But even though I "knew", there was still the possibility that our baby could be a girl, because there was no proof this was a boy other than my feeling about it.
Just over a week ago we went for our anatomy scan. "There's the penis." Yep that's exactly how she said it- it's a body part so don't spaz out over the word use please. :) I turned to J and said "told ya." I couldn't say anything else. I couldn't even try to get any more words out or else I would cry. And cry I did only 10 or so minutes later when we were privately moved to the room to wait for the dr. And then cry I did for the following 3 days. Cry is an understatement. I was an absolute mess. My heart hurt worse than it ever did- legitimately worse than going through divorce. That's a lot of hurt.
I wasn't crying over our healthy baby boy. We've been blessed with a child and I'm incredibly thankful for that. I will love him. But I cried over my dreams being shattered. You see what I realized at that moment was when I dreamed about having a baby, what I really dreamed about was specifically having a baby girl. I would never day dream about playing trucks and dirt. I dreamed about barbies, dolls, pink, dress up, fixing her hair, getting ready for school dances, and planning a wedding together. I dreamed about a daughter. But now those dreams were shattered, no more. And before I could celebrate our boy I had to grieve the loss of a dream of a girl. And that's been a very painful legitimate process.
There's a whole other part to this, a part that only exists in step families. J has a daughter. Now J has a son. And honestly that really brought out jealously and resentment. I truly am happy that he gets to have both- that he gets to have that daddy daughter relationship as well as a father son bond. And it's nice that we do get to experience something new together- becoming parents to a son since he already has a daughter. But my heart REALLY hurts. I don't get that mother daughter bond. I don't get what my heart truly desires while he does. As I've said before and I'll continue to say, having a step daughter is not the same thing in the least bit. She has a mom. She loves her mom. I'm not here to replace her mom. Our relationship is aunt like or friendly at best. I didn't get to experience those precious first 4 years of her life. Yes we can make the best of it, but it will never be the same as having a daughter who sees me as her mom, having that maternal bond no one can take away. It hurts.
My husband has been amazing dealing with me in this. I wish I could thank him in some huge way because he deserves it. He does so much and then puts up with my crazy emotions on top of it. And even though he can't ever understand, he's trying to be there for me the best way he knows how to.
But it's hard when you don't feel you can tell anyone but your husband because it's such a taboo thing to talk about. But like I said before- it's legit and so so many women go through it. I hesitantly brought this up to 2 groups I'm in and the support I received there was amazing. I'm so glad I decided to open up about it. The thing is I have no in person friends to talk about this with. And bringing it up to someone close I was hurt by the reply. If you haven't been there, you just won't get it. Please please please don't tell me or anyone else going through this that we are wrong in feeling this way, please don't deny or invalidate our feelings, please don't say anything hurtful or can be seen as hurtful. Please don't say we can try for a girl next time when there wasn't going to be a next time.
Here's the thing- I have been sad in general lately. My hormones/emotions have been a disaster. When I heard the news of our baby boy it sent my emotions on an insane roller coaster. I'm still very very very sensitive to it. The slightest thing will cause me to cry again. I've asked my husband to please refrain from anything that will upset me during this time. I know that's hard to do and a lot to ask but I ask everyone who knows me to please do the same. For the sake of our baby, I need to try to keep it somewhat together here. But I just wanted to make it known that this is a real thing, and that it is happening to me, and that I'm insanely sensitive right now. I could use the support, prayers and any positive stories about being only a boy mom- I'm scared out of my mind without a clue how to bring up a boy, and that just in of itself, also hurts. I am thankful to be blessed with our son but I'm very much hurting horribly over the daughter I may never have.
Sorry this is so depressing. I have something much more positive to share next time. God bless.
It's a topic no one talks about. And I hate even bringing it up. It makes me feel horribly guilty. But you know what, it needs to be talked about. Because what I've found while dealing with this myself is that MANY other women are too- quietly, softly, inside, to themselves, in pain, without support. And not getting that support just makes the issue so much worse.
I absolutely hate this term but this is what it's called- gender disappointment.
For those who don't yet know, I'm sorry you are finding out in this way but- our baby is a boy- a healthy beautiful growing boy. I "knew" our baby was a boy from day 1, honestly. I'll tell that story and a much more positive one next time. But even though I "knew", there was still the possibility that our baby could be a girl, because there was no proof this was a boy other than my feeling about it.
Just over a week ago we went for our anatomy scan. "There's the penis." Yep that's exactly how she said it- it's a body part so don't spaz out over the word use please. :) I turned to J and said "told ya." I couldn't say anything else. I couldn't even try to get any more words out or else I would cry. And cry I did only 10 or so minutes later when we were privately moved to the room to wait for the dr. And then cry I did for the following 3 days. Cry is an understatement. I was an absolute mess. My heart hurt worse than it ever did- legitimately worse than going through divorce. That's a lot of hurt.
I wasn't crying over our healthy baby boy. We've been blessed with a child and I'm incredibly thankful for that. I will love him. But I cried over my dreams being shattered. You see what I realized at that moment was when I dreamed about having a baby, what I really dreamed about was specifically having a baby girl. I would never day dream about playing trucks and dirt. I dreamed about barbies, dolls, pink, dress up, fixing her hair, getting ready for school dances, and planning a wedding together. I dreamed about a daughter. But now those dreams were shattered, no more. And before I could celebrate our boy I had to grieve the loss of a dream of a girl. And that's been a very painful legitimate process.
There's a whole other part to this, a part that only exists in step families. J has a daughter. Now J has a son. And honestly that really brought out jealously and resentment. I truly am happy that he gets to have both- that he gets to have that daddy daughter relationship as well as a father son bond. And it's nice that we do get to experience something new together- becoming parents to a son since he already has a daughter. But my heart REALLY hurts. I don't get that mother daughter bond. I don't get what my heart truly desires while he does. As I've said before and I'll continue to say, having a step daughter is not the same thing in the least bit. She has a mom. She loves her mom. I'm not here to replace her mom. Our relationship is aunt like or friendly at best. I didn't get to experience those precious first 4 years of her life. Yes we can make the best of it, but it will never be the same as having a daughter who sees me as her mom, having that maternal bond no one can take away. It hurts.
My husband has been amazing dealing with me in this. I wish I could thank him in some huge way because he deserves it. He does so much and then puts up with my crazy emotions on top of it. And even though he can't ever understand, he's trying to be there for me the best way he knows how to.
But it's hard when you don't feel you can tell anyone but your husband because it's such a taboo thing to talk about. But like I said before- it's legit and so so many women go through it. I hesitantly brought this up to 2 groups I'm in and the support I received there was amazing. I'm so glad I decided to open up about it. The thing is I have no in person friends to talk about this with. And bringing it up to someone close I was hurt by the reply. If you haven't been there, you just won't get it. Please please please don't tell me or anyone else going through this that we are wrong in feeling this way, please don't deny or invalidate our feelings, please don't say anything hurtful or can be seen as hurtful. Please don't say we can try for a girl next time when there wasn't going to be a next time.
Here's the thing- I have been sad in general lately. My hormones/emotions have been a disaster. When I heard the news of our baby boy it sent my emotions on an insane roller coaster. I'm still very very very sensitive to it. The slightest thing will cause me to cry again. I've asked my husband to please refrain from anything that will upset me during this time. I know that's hard to do and a lot to ask but I ask everyone who knows me to please do the same. For the sake of our baby, I need to try to keep it somewhat together here. But I just wanted to make it known that this is a real thing, and that it is happening to me, and that I'm insanely sensitive right now. I could use the support, prayers and any positive stories about being only a boy mom- I'm scared out of my mind without a clue how to bring up a boy, and that just in of itself, also hurts. I am thankful to be blessed with our son but I'm very much hurting horribly over the daughter I may never have.
Sorry this is so depressing. I have something much more positive to share next time. God bless.
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