He Lifts Me

The biggest thing that pains me is not being there for my husband how I feel I should be. I want to be by his side every Sunday as he preaches. I want to cook every meal every day, have the house cleaned and kept up without struggling and having to ask him to do it with me. I want to be able to dress up every day to look pretty for him, to be able to go out on dates more often and not have to reschedule due to illness. I want to be what a wife is called to be- a helpmate to her husband. But I can't and I won't with this disease that brings me down, at least not in the ways I feel I should be. And that hurts me all too much.

Ladies don't complain about housework, errands or having to attend another outing with your loved ones. Too many of us wish we could have those days back. To many of us fight for another day to not be able to see it. Too many of us are crying on the inside while trying to perfect this look of we've got this. We try, we fail and we do it all over again. Every day. At least that's how we perceive it after failing so much it brings us down. Failing to a disease not even our own selves.

I just want to be there for my husband, for my stepdaughter, church, family and friends. I want to get out to even be able to make friends here. I want to be a mom, at least a stepmom- what a stepmom should be, or something of the sort geeze even more of a help to my dog. Yet too often I lay here in bed wanting what I can't have as chronic lyme takes me down, failing yet again to beat it.

I hear the world screaming failure, incomplete, lacking, lost, broken, loser, never good enough. I hear it through false perception because the world I once had was grabbed out from under me replaced with this. And then I feel I'm never good enough. Never up to what I used to be. Never as great as the world calls me to be. It's a depressing post but it's important you see the quality of life with those who live it. We post photos of laughter but we cry miles of pain. Crying out to the only one who can bring it.

I don't answer to the world, I answer to it's Creator, my almighty God who feels my pain with me. And He's got His hand in this. Lord and Savior I need it. I give you my life, make what you need from it, lift me from my pain and let me feel it. Holy Spirit surround me and fill me with Your presence. It's only from You Lord I am filled with all I need in life. You and only You are my amazing rest in it. Love me, stretch me but at the end of each day please just bless me. I cry out to you Lord in need of great redemption. Complete me through this pain, prepare me for your presence. In heaven I'll be restored, no longer a burden of restlessness. Until then I lay awake of this world around me, feeling both my pain and yet also Your presence, hoping to be something to someone in need of direction to the life which comes after this.