Mother's Day Message

Last night I had a rough night. Right before going to sleep, Jeremy tried to comfort me and out of nowhere said he had a crazy thought- maybe I should share my story today. It was one of those goosebump moments because it was only a couple days prior I actually had that same feeling, but I hadn’t yet told him that. Of course fear tried to get the best of me- thinking what will everyone at church think? Will my story even mean anything? I don’t even know what to say. But then a thought that has hit me in the past, hit me hard again- Write, just write. So at midnight last night I got out of bed and sat down at the computer to write, not really knowing what I would say but allowing God to be my author.

Today’s sermon was supposed to be on worship- I will worship. When you think of worship, what do you think of? This piano? The organ? Maybe the videos that are played here in church? Do you think of traditional or blended or contemporary? Is it music and singing that comes to mind? That is all worship, but let me ask you to think a little differently today. Could worship be something more? Could it be not just a song, but a lifestyle? I’ll get back to that at the end of my story.

Growing up, I thought I had my life all together. I got good grades in school, graduated with honors, was President of several college organizations, got my entry level dream job getting to travel the country. I got engaged, got married and moved to Texas. Life seemed to be working out pretty well. But one thing was missing and that thing was pretty huge, and it took several losses to find it or I should say Him.

The company I worked for went under when the economy crashed. I got laid off. Moving to Texas, I lost some friends in the process. We had tons of car trouble, apartment problems, problems finding a new job. I thought things were pretty bad but they were about to get worse.

6 years ago I got pneumonia. Just as I thought I was improving and accepted a new job, the very next day before even being able to start that job, I got pneumonia again. I was given a medication which caused my entire body to stiffen up like the tin man and I couldn’t even walk. Every joint and tendon hurt so bad and made noises when I tried to move. That was the first of countless reactions to medications, now to the point that there are barely any I can tolerate. I did end up improving, but never enough, never back to normal. I just kept getting sick. Weakness, trouble breathing and exhaustion persisted. I used to run cross country and now I couldn’t get up a flight of stairs to my apartment without needing to sit down right after.

For 2.5 years I was sent around from doctor to doctor, given medication after medication. No one knew what was wrong. I was told it was anxiety, all in my head, given a dozen different diagnoses, none of which seemed to be the correct answer. A handful of ER trips and hospital stays, having to relearn how to walk after yet another medication made my body stop working again. All the while my husband at the time’s family was bringing me down as well. Some started attacking me saying I was making it up, to get off the couch and go get a job, even to the point of telling me to get a divorce. Divorce was never in my vocabulary.

But when I thought it couldn’t get much worse and there was nothing left to lose, I lost what I never thought I would. After a month and a half stay in the hospital, my husband at the time decided since I got out of the hospital, he was going to go on a bachelor party trip with some friends. The day he left was the last day I saw my now ex-husband. He left as the man I knew and returned a completely different person. He went from a fun-loving, caring, thoughtful man to a very bitter, emotionally abusive and hurtful person. He cheated on me and conceived a baby with another woman. I was scared to be around him. He started to manipulate and control me, tried to get into my head and turn me away from family and friends and even God. It was then my whole world got shaken up in a good way, the best way.

One night I still remember so vividly, I randomly asked him about another change that occurred in him. I asked him “Why do you love Christmas SO much if you no longer believe in God or Jesus?” The answer he gave broke up my heart, it shattered it into pieces and I felt a pain I literally never felt before. He looked me in the face and said Jesus, means nothing to him. At that moment I stood up. I stood up for my faith explaining to him how Jesus suffered and died on the cross so that we could be here! So that he could be here! And at that moment something happened that I will never ever forget. This burst of light and energy came down from above and entered me, it filled me with the Holy Spirit and I have been a changed person ever since. You see, I always believed IN God, but I never KNEW God and I never knew there was a difference. Romans 10:9 says “If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.” I was saved, and in God’s perfect timing.

Days later I had a doctor’s appointment and I went alone. Another day I will never forget. I was sitting in that office shaking as my doctor said to me “You have Myasthenia Gravis… and there is no cure.” Myasthenia Gravis, or MG for short, is hard to say, even harder to understand, and hardest to live with. Just to quickly explain, it is a neuro muscular disease. The more I use any voluntary muscle including talking, smiling, seeing, walking, using my arms, sitting up, standing or even breathing, the weaker that muscle gets, to the point of temporary paralysis. If that paralysis hits my diaphragm, my breathing, I’m in trouble. Things that make it worse are not only using my muscles but also the heat, stress, and many medications/foods/fumes/allergens/etc. Therefore I have to rest- a lot- both before and after pretty much everything I do. I can’t lift anything, I can’t walk a lot of stairs, I can’t talk or stand or even sit up without my back supported for any long length in time. Every time I do I’m putting myself at risk. It is so hard to look so normal and yet say no I cannot lift that box or help decorate or sit out in the heat. Treatment has failed on me so my doctor has me doing things the natural way which means an extremely healthy diet and avoiding as much stress or activity as possible.

Well that same day I came home from the doctor and my husband at the time told me something I never thought I’d hear- he wanted a separation. The stress took my health down and I spent another month and a half in the hospital. This time my husband at the time left me there over Thanksgiving and flew out to be with his family in another state. When he returned he threatened me with divorce and losing his insurance if I wouldn’t give him this separation and go back to IL and stay with my parents. Since I needed a major surgery, needed that insurance and someone to help me through recovery, I decided I would do this, but only temporarily. Well, that’s not what happened.

Prior to surgery I had to go through something called plasmapheresis, a procedure to prep my body to handle surgery. Then the surgery itself seemed to go alright until 2 days after leaving the hospital I returned to the ER unable to breathe. My surgery resulted in a pulmonary embolism- multiple blood clots in both lungs which was life threatening. I stayed in the hospital another 5 weeks. Following that I got another diagnosis called Dysautonomia. Basically my autonomic or automatic nervous system doesn’t work right. So everything from my body temperature to digestion to heartrate and blood pressure all seem to do whatever they want. Standing makes my heartrate skyrocket and blood pressure drop. My oxygen saturation often drops. I look perfectly normal, but the inside of me sure is not. Then I was told I have a blood clot disorder so it’s possible more clots are in my future. And then to add on top of all that I have an immune deficiency so my body is unable to fight off illness well and I have to avoid being around sick people.

But just when I thought I was improving enough to return to Texas and pray my husband at the time had a change of heart, the doorbell rang. I received divorce papers, after he promised he wouldn’t file. It was a long and tough battle and I gave up a lot just to get it over with. Then having to officially move back in with your parents at the age of 30 was tough too.

Months later, I thought it was getting better, but instead I got bit by a tick and got lyme disease and another infection. For some it’s a quick fix, but for me it turned chronic. Every day is filled with pain, exhaustion and dozens of other invisible symptoms

So many times in the past 8 years I’ve wanted to give up. I’ll be honest when I say it’s crossed my mind, I am worthless, why am I here, do I even have a purpose? And you know what, if God didn’t come into my life and save me right when He did, I don’t even know if I really would be here. But my story isn’t all negative. I tell it because God redeemed me. He has transformed the way I live, the way I look at life, the way I treat others. Everything about me is new. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone, the new is here!”

Philippians 4 is a book I often turn to. It reminds me that my trials are nothing compared to others. Paul states “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.”

Jesus Christ is and has been my absolute strength. Another verse that comes to mind is 2 Corinthians 12:9, “But He said to me ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest in me.”

And that leads me back to “I Will Worship.” When I think of the word worship, I also think of a song. Often times music was what got me through it. But true worship isn’t just about a song. Worship is a way of living. Worship by definition means showing reverence to. Worshiping God is showing reverence to Him, leading a life that glorifies and honors Him.

You see back at the beginning of my story when I believed in God but didn’t know Him, I thought life was about me. I was trying to set myself up for this fairy tale ending, dot my I’s and cross my T’s. But I missed something huge. I missed Jesus Christ and life being about Him. And once He saved me, He certainly also redeemed me. He took my mess and began transforming it into a message. My job was lost, but my passion for writing was found. My health deteriorated, but I now have a blog to get awareness out there about a rare disease and to witness to those who don’t yet know Christ. My ex-husband left me and cheated on me, but God brought me a godly man who I can now serve along side. I lost what I called my life, but the most important part of this is- I can now have eternal life… because of Him… and that makes this life I’m walking through entirely worth it. So I WILL worship.

When I am laying sick in bed, God you are still good, I WILL worship.

When I am feeling worthless and defeated, God you are still there and worthy, I WILL worship.

When I am lonely and sad and taking on the labels of the world of divorced and disabled, I will remember who I am in Christ, God you are amazing and full of grace and mercy, and I WILL worship.

I will worship with my words and my actions. I will strive each day to reflect who I am in Christ, not who the world thinks I am or wants me to be. I WILL worship.

If I’m going to share my heart, I’m going to share it all, so to end I’ll tell you this. Last night the reason I was struggling was because of Mother’s Day. I’m not a biological mother and due to my health and age getting up there, I may never be one. Yes, I’m now a stepmom, and <name removed> been in my life for some time now, but she isn’t with us this weekend. She is with her biological mom. And last night, as I was cooking dinner and I heard her on the phone with J, I heard her talk about this gift she made her mom for Mother’s Day. She went on and on so excited about her mom. And my heart hurt. It hurt because I’m not her mom. It hurt because I cook for her, clean for her and help her, but that gift isn’t going to me. It hurt because no matter what I do or don’t do her mom will never like me or think I’m good enough. It hurt because today is a day that honors all mom’s but it also brings pain to those who never got to be one, those who lost their mom or are confused if they really are one. So today I want to say Happy Mother’s Day, to each and every mom out there- not only to biological moms or those with that title but to all moms- grandmas, stepmoms, mothers in law, aunts or sisters who raise someone who may not biologically be yours.

Whether good or bad, you are not defined by a label or by what people think of you. You are not defined by your illness, your divorce, your temptation, your history. God created you in His image and likeness. Genesis 2:23, “The man said ‘This is now bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh, and she shall be called woman’ for she was taken out of man.” You are a child of God and because of that you are a prized possession. You are worth it. You are special. So let’s stand together against the hurt, the struggles, the temptations, the devil and all his lies. Let’s stand together regardless of where we are or what we are doing and with our words and our actions say to the devil and say to the world- I WILL worship. Jesus straight out told us in John 16:33, “In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world.” It is through Him, you and I can overcome. And for that alone, I WILL worship.