Originally Posted: June 15, 2013
Prayer or something like that
I'm really struggling right now. I don't want to use the word hate, but I really dislike the situation I'm in. It's like a battle- do what I know is right and give up my own desires, or do what I know is wrong for my own selfish desire. I know the answer and I know I'm going to stick to doing what is right. But this patience is really really running low. I've struggled for so long, I've been pushed down too many times and sometimes I just feel like staying down there. I get back up and I keep going but where am I going? Am I even moving forward, or backward, or even to the side? It seems like I'm just walking in place. I want to move!!! Get me to another place! I'm not just talking physically.
I know exactly what I would wish to happen, where I want to be and what I want to be doing and with whom... and it all falls within the grounds of doing what is right. That is where both doing what is right and personal desires would fall together. But all I can control is myself.
Even then I can only do so within the physical limitations I'm given. I feel like I'm in jail but the jail cell is my body.
Lord grant me freedom and not in the way everyone will interpret that word. Grant me freedom from the confinements of disability, grant me freedom from the questions that go unanswered, grant me freedom from anyone and anything holding back YOUR will. Let Your will be done Lord, and settle my heart to discern what that is. Settle the hearts of everyone else who is part of my path. I need peace, I really really need peace... and clarity, resolution, healing and YOUR unconditional unfailing love. Let Your love flow through me to others and through others to me. Help!
I much dislike constantly hear people "bicker" about pointless things, hearing people putting each other down, hearing people gossip, hearing people complain about things that really don't matter, hearing people bash one another, hearing HURT. I wish I could transform their hearts to love and serve You and become better people. But, only You have the power to do that and waiting for that to happen, if it happens, is so very hard. Living righteously in a cruel world is really hard. Not because I want to do what is wrong, but because I want everyone to do what is right. Help!
I very much dislike the situation I'm in, but I'm stuck. I'm trying to make the best of what I can while I'm in it... but it's like I'm on a treadmill and getting exhausted while going no where. Show me where You want me and take me there. Soon, please. Very please.
Amen.
Wow. I look back at that and see my heart crying out for Jesus in the midst of separation from my husband at the time. He hurt me, so very badly. He ripped life as I knew it out from beneath me and started a life with another woman. Ouch. On top of it, I was fighting for my own life at times. At the moment of writing this, I was less than 2 months out from surviving a pulmonary embolism, less than 3 months out from a major surgery in my chest... all the while he was 1000 miles away and could care less if I lived or died. How do you survive that? I didn't. But I'll get to that point in a minute...
I re-read what I wrote above and realize that sometimes prayers we think are unanswered truly are answered, just in a different way. We have to admit that when we pray, we typically have an agenda on mind. We may ask His will but how many times when we pray that prayer do we truly mean it? Should be always but if we are being honest with ourselves, many of the times it is "God please bless MY plans" as opposed to "God please help me accept and walk in YOUR plans". God knows better than we do. That prayer above was answered.
6 months after that post, I received divorce papers. 6 months following the divorce papers, the divorce was final. Somewhere in there, I was finally able to forgive. That forgiveness was the freedom I was praying for, even though I didn't know it at the time. That forgiveness wasn't for him, it was for me, to free me from the chains of the past and let go. I prayed for the hearts of others. The thing is God gives us all free will. The people I was praying for had hardened hearts and God isn't going to force them into anything. So instead of making those people into who I felt they needed to be, God removed them from my life. Again, He freed me. He freed me! He answered my prayer!
I look back at all of that and remember where I was back then, what I was feeling, what I was going through. Though I appear to be right where I was back then, I'm actually in a much better place. I realized how much of myself I had vested in one person. Part of that is right but so much of that is wrong. I wasn't a Christian when I got married. I didn't understand what I do now. God must come first in your life. God MUST be your center and focus. After that is spouse and then so on and so forth. Well, I wrongly placed spouse first. And so when spouse kicked me to the curb, I had no idea what to do. Like I said in the beginning, I did not survive it.
He did. He, meaning Jesus, meaning God. He survived it, through me. 1 year prior to writing what's above, literally only days after my ex-husband came home from a vacation with friends and told me he no longer loved me, Jesus saved me and I gave my life to Him. Thankfully Jesus saved me in God's perfect timing and walked with me through the rough roads ahead. He has been and is my strength, my refuge and my Savior. He is the way, the truth and the life. He is the vine and I am a branch and apart from Him I can do nothing. Nothing. Over time I've been transformed and blessed with wisdom and knowledge of the truth and the resources to strive to live it.
Sometimes you feel like you're running on a treadmill in life, going no where, maybe you even feel life is just not worth it. The thing is there is so much more to life than you can visibly see in your world. Through Jesus Christ, there is eternal life, and that is what I live for. That is what we can all live for. And living with Him can start now. I invite you to take the first step in making Jesus the Lord of your life. Confess that like no one, you are not perfect and you have sinned. Confess that because of those sins you need a Savior, a Savior who only comes through Jesus Christ who suffered, died, was buried and rose again for us to be here. Invite Him to personally be the Lord and Savior in your life, and then walk with Him, be in relationship with Him. Pick up a bible and begin reading, perhaps start in the New Testament, maybe the Gospel of John. Read, pray, reach out to other Christians, seek guidance, but most importantly, seek Jesus. He can and will get you through this, just like He did for me.
No comments:
Post a Comment