Physical or Mental Health?

I haven't written in a long while so I thought I'd get back to it by giving an update. Here's what happened:

There is a medication called LDN. The regular form of this medication is actually used to help drug addicts. However, LDN is used off label to help those with chronic health problems. It is found to help regulate your immune system so your body can fight harder on it's own.

The thing about this medication is it is somewhat difficult to find the right dose. Because I am extremely sensitive to medications, we started very low dose.

It has to be made by a compounding pharmacy so I got my dose from a local pharmacy and started it. Everything was fine, but it also wasn't really helping. It wasn't doing anything.

My doctor said most people get this medication from one specific pharmacy in another state that mails the orders, because that pharmacist is the expert on this off label usage. I decided to transfer pharmacies. I began a new bottle from a new pharmacy at the same dose. But now things got out of control.

This medication is not supposed to have many side effects or serious ones, but you know I'm always the exception to the rule. Emotionally I was all over the place. Crying for no reason or every reason, depression, anxiety, anger, agitation... It was horrible. I did not feel myself and worse than that I could not feel God's presence. I felt like something had taken over me, taken over my brain and changed me, for the worse, much worse. But... physically... I was doing so much better! My physical symptoms improved before I even realized it.

I called and talked to my doctor and pharmacists from both pharmacies. What seemed to happen was that though I thought I was staying at the same dose, I may have actually increased the dose due to differences in the way the pharmacies make the medication. I was advised to decrease the dose, so I did.

Finally, mentally and emotionally I am in a much better place. However, my physical symptoms are much worse again.

So what it seems like is I can either take the medication at a high enough dose to help me physically but then get thrown off mentally and emotionally OR take the medication low dose or not at all to remain stable mentally and emotionally but decline physically.

So what is more important- physical health or mental health?

Of course I want both, but if I have to choose I think I choose mental health. I've been used to the physical symptoms for over 5 years now, but mental and emotional stuff not so much. Feeling like you aren't yourself is even worse than feeling physically sick all the time, especially if you can't feel God's presence. I'm not giving up on the medication just yet but I'm also not going to jeopardize who I am in order to physically do more.

Maybe God wants me right where I am for a reason I don't yet know, and sometimes I think I should stop fighting it and just accept it. Once again, losing something else (mental health) if even temporarily, makes you realize what you had. I had, and again have, the ability to use this brain I was given, the ability to write, the ability to reach out to others if even only though the internet. God has given me these abilities and He can at any point take them away. So rather than asking for more more more- physical health, I will say thank you Lord for blessing me with emotional and mental health. Thank you Lord for using me however You please to advance Your kingdom, whether it's physically out in the world or right here laying in my bed. Thank You Jesus for my many blessings. Amen.