Quick update before I blab about what's on my mind. My INR level has reached therapeutic level! At least yesterday it did, today its down again. I'm guessing because they lowered my dose... why I don't know since I was just at therapeutic not too high. The concern is my oxygen saturation still dropping into the 80s and heart rate still in the hundreds... still as high as 150 when just doing something like brushing my teeth. Of course every time the doctors look- at that specific moment it is fairly normal. A watched kettle doesn't boil. They claim my oxygen dropping that much is ok because with PE it won't get better for a while. Oh really? Pretty sure oxygen dropping into the 80s means your organs aren't receiving enough oxygen... heart and brain being of most concern. They also want to send me home with oxygen but can't with insurance unless they witness the drop. The nurse witnessed it but unfortunately their 1 minute "exam" per day doesn't allow enough time to witness it. They finally realized I'm no dumby and since have repeatedly told me how intelligent I am, shocked at how knowledgeable I am in the medical field. Perhaps I should be the doctor here... ok ok I digress. Unfortunately I just have way too much experience from the patient end.
Over night I abruptly got this horrible pain in my knee. See I have this little raised bruise like thing on my one knee. It appeared a few years back and doctors can't agree on what it is, so it just stays there because it doesn't really bother me. Well I've never had this pain before like burning and stinging with pressure feeling under it. It hurts more when I walk and when I bend it there is this huge mountain under it! What the heck! Of course again the doctors don't know or care. Dr. Heather thinks its a raised blood vessel with bursitis underneath it... just a guess but no one else seems to know so I'm already a step ahead on my own diagnosis once again. I'm starting to sound arrogant and I'm not at all but I am annoyed with how little attention I receive. Remember if I wasn't persistant and pushed and pushed and researched and denied the diagnosis "just anxiety" I never would have got my MG diagnosis or the PE diagnosis or the Sjogrens diagnosis.
Anyways, if all goes well, and please pray that it does, I have a tentative discharge date of tomorrow. After that its back to clinic every couple days to check my levels to make sure I stay in therapeutic range. After about 1-2 weeks if it is stable I can go a little less often.... for 6 months til I can hopefully then get off this medicine.
So this is the thought I wanted to get at. Everyone goes through problems in life... health, financial, marital, job, family, etc. But when it happens we tend to think the whole "why me" especially when everyone else we know seems so healthy or happy or wealthy etc. We compare our negatives to everyone elses positives. We compare our private life to everyone elses social/public life. And then we tend to hide the problems we are going through... perhaps because of embarrassment or upset or not feeling up to par with the rest of the family or friends... or pride or ego. Who knows. Point being, why do we do this? Why is everyone SO secretive? Why is such a problem perceived as so negative when everyone goes through these problems at some point or another. Yes some people have it better, some people have it worse, some people deal with it differently. But what would happen if suddenly everything private became public? Would we feel as bad? Would we want to help others more than focus on ourselves because we could "see" their problems? Would we strive to be better people?
Personally I think when things are private it is because someone did something that would be seen as wrong. You don't want people to know if you did something wrong. You want your outer image to be the best it can be. But if your outer image doesn't match your inside or your actions, is it anything more than fake? If I had my choice, everything in life would be public. I do think we would be better people because of it. I also think we would be healthier because of it, understanding we are not alone in what we struggle through. Maybe it would even bring people together. But, again I digress, because society is what it is. I can post this blog about my own personal life in regards to health, but nothing more, nothing more because as soon as it involves any other person and can be perceived as negative, I will be looked down upon. Been there, done that. So I have to fit into this box called society.
But if you take away that box, take away privacy, what do you have? Basically you have a portion of what God has- as God can see everything. God can see what you try to hide, God can see what your hidden thoughts and actions are, God sees and knows everything. And if we are trying to live in the likeness of Jesus, most of what is hidden we shouldn't do. But we can't "see" God, so perhaps we tend to forget there is already someone who can see everything. Perhaps we should pretend others can see everything because maybe just maybe it would make us better people. Maybe we would remember more that we aren't alone in our struggles. Maybe we would have conversations rather than arguments, laughter rather than anger, and support rather than competition.
I'm going off on a tangent because its lunch time and I've lost my focus. But I think you get my point for today. So how about this. Maybe you're not ready to be public, actually it will probably never happen in this lifetime... but maybe you can open a door, take down a wall, share a little more, communicate a little more, let others know they aren't alone and realize you aren't either. Spread the love, receive the blessing... its right behind that closed door.
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