I know there are some people who used to read this to stay updated on what's going on with us. I hate that I haven't written in so long so I wanted to try to get back to it. Before I go any further, as always, my writing is from my heart and/or what God places on it. Most of the time that is quite vulnerable and can reach deep seeded feelings in others due to their own experiences. Please consider that before reading as it is not my intent to hurt anyone, ever.
Last I wrote was about our Gideon. I will forever remember him, and he will forever be my second child, even if only from heaven. No child will ever replace another one, but I'm excited to say we're expecting again! We waited a long while to announce this time. It just felt weird announcing after a loss and once you lose a baby or a child the feelings of anxiety and fear never seem to fully go away. I'm almost 20 weeks and still concerned if this will go well. So I just wanted to fill people in on what's been happening and ask you all to be praying for us.
I was sick or at least felt sick pretty much every day, every hour, weeks 6-15. On top of that I had food poisoning at one point that had me stuck in bed for days. It was rough, so much so I had to take a medication that is of some risk, but I really had no option due to MG. I've had a few other concerns here and there as well. And with MG, pregnancy can either cause it to get worse, stay the same, or get better and possibly put you in remission. With Joshua my MG got better to the point I could do so much more and absolutely loved being pregnant because I felt like I hadn't in years! Well, this pregnancy is the complete opposite. My MG is flaring up and I'm getting exhausted and weak from doing next to nothing. Of course that is so hard because MG is difficult to explain to people to begin with, especially when you look well. But then add in that people saw that pregnancy made you better last time and then they doubt if you're making things up that it's so much harder this time. Well, it is. Much harder. And I've got a toddler to care for on top of it.
Though with Joshua, I was really dizzy a lot, ate an absolute ton (he started his eating us out of the house habits while he was still inside me), craved sweets a TON, my hair seemed to grow super quickly, my face was covered in zits... With this pregnancy/baby I've only occasionally gotten dizzy when I barely have eaten, I don't have much of an appetite at all and turned off by like literally every food with zero cravings, my hair isn't growing at all, my face is blah but not really any zits... it is completely different!
Then with Joshua, God told me his name, and therefore that he was a boy the very day I found out I was pregnant. I knew who he was and I knew he was going to be a handful. I even knew the day he would be born. I also knew Gideon's name. With this baby, again completely different. The only thing I have a feeling about is that this baby is going to be completely different- a much easier temperament. God hasn't given me a name, hasn't told me the gender, hasn't given me the day baby would be born (though I have my own guesses). The only name I keep hearing I don't know if it's the baby's name or not and I won't say it's from God or not I don't know- that's because it's a girls name and I'm in absolute denial that there is even the slightest possibility it can be a girl. It's no secret that I long to have my own baby girl so so bad, but I feel like that's just not meant to happen. We're waiting on finding out the gender so I guess we'll know in approximately 4.5 months.
So yeah, waiting on the gender, totally unlike me. I won't be prepared if it does happen to be a girl. Because I will want EVERYTHING pink! Pink clothes, pink curtains, pink towels, pink bedding, pink pink pink everything... but right now what we have is blue, rather it's teal, so I mean I guess it works for either gender but again if I have a baby girl you bet she will be covered in pink!
I know there will be people who will judge me but I can't control that. What I can do is relate to those who have been where I am/was. For that reason I'm sharing this brief story. The reason I don't want to find out the gender until birth (and J is all for waiting to find out regardless) is because I had "gender disappointment" when I found out Joshua's gender. Again, I hate hate hate that term. When we were pregnant with Joshua we thought he would be our only one, and I dreamed so much of having a girl. So finding out he was a boy shattered the dream of my ever raising and having a bond with a girl, a daughter, and it hurt. But that did NOT take away the fact that I loved/love my son. Two separate things- celebrating the life I'm given while grieving the one I won't have. I know it's hard for people who haven't been through that to understand that, but I'm truthful, this is my truth, and it hurts to be judged for what I feel. So now this time, I fear if I find out in advance that it's a boy I will deal with those same feelings. And I don't want to. I don't want those feelings to steal the joy of this pregnancy and this baby. So I thought, let's just not find out. Once the baby arrives, after hopefully another natural unmedicated labor, I will be so thrilled to have a baby, hopefully healthy baby, in my arms, that the gender won't even matter. If it's a girl I'll probably bawl my eyes out for hours (I'm really not normally a crier), but if it's a boy I will love him no less, ever.
So we're just praying for a healthy baby, of whichever gender God decides to give us, and praying that I can focus on the love and life more than on any pain or grief of that which I don't or maybe won't have. Grief comes in many different forms and its important for healing to accept all of them. They need not be compared. Having now grieved/grieving the loss of my unborn child, it's even harder to admit and not feel guilt over my desire of raising a daughter. Every child is an absolute blessing. But as I've said and as I stick to it's two separate things, two separate issues, one does not replace the other. I grieve my Gideon but if I never have a baby girl I will also in a very different way grieve not having a daughter. At the same time I will celebrate the life I've been given- of Joshua and of this baby to come.
That's been on my heart and feels freeing to get it out there. Thank you for those who accept me, all of me, for who I am and how I've been created. Thank you for the support through the good times and the bad. Thank you for carrying me through the pain of losing Gideon and celebrating with me the joy of this baby on the way. Thank you!
There's so much more to say but I'll save it for another time. Thanks for reading, thanks for praying, thanks for your support! It means a lot.
For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him. 1 Samuel 1:27-28
