8 weeks today. I can't believe it.
So quick summary-
The good- we have his 2 month appointment next week and we're guessing he weighs probably at least 12 lbs now. At about 4 weeks he smiled at me, shortly after he started "talking" (sounding like hi, yeah, ok and goo) to me! At 6 weeks he rolled over- back to stomach! He holds his head for extended periods and can support himself with his legs if you support his body to stand. He's been ahead of schedules for just about everything so far and he seems like a very strong boy! Coming from a weak momma, that's impressive!
The bad- colic.
If you've never dealt with colic, be sooo very thankful. Wow it is insane and wears you down- fast. Colic is baby crying, rather screaming his head off as if he's being tortured, inconsolably for hours every. single. day. We aren't bad parents, we have tried or are trying just about everything. But it's just- colic.
Our day begins with him smiley and "talking"- we cherish those minutes because they don't last long! This is followed by the begin of the colicky time. Screaming cries. Nothing works. Eventually he will go to sleep. In the afternoon it typically happens again. And then his worst time is in the evening before bed like 7-10pm. Screaming cries.
We have tried different types of swings, a bouncy seat, play mat, multiple baby carriers (my problem is my neuro muscular disease- just as hard if not harder to baby wear than to carry with my arms), bassinet, and just sitting in our lap or laying in our lap, different ways of holding him, probiotics, gas drops, and reducing my own dairy intake since he is nursing- none of that has seemed to help.
Swaddling only helps slightly, other times he hates it.
We will next try getting super strict with dairy elimination, chiro, gripe water and maybe a different brand of probiotics and maybe vitamin d.
The only things that work, and that's only sometimes are holding him over our shoulder walking around and having him in his car seat moving either in the car or attached to his stroller moving. Sometimes the rocking chair.
I am so incredibly thankful J works across the street and can typically come home on a moments notice to relieve me when it gets incredibly tough. He even brought his computer to the house and worked from home when I was sick with a stomach bug because I just couldn't handle this alone. It is so hard living so far away from family. Oh what I would give to be able to live near my family right now! But J and I switch off doing everything except of course the feeding. J is so helpful every night waking up for each feeding with me to change Joshua and then hand him to me to save some of my muscle strength. Then he goes to sleep while I feed and put him back to bed. J is incredibly super helpful prior to bedtime- Joshua's fussiest time- when J will hold him over his shoulder walking around, "shhh"ing to calm him, pacing the house or rocking in the rocker, sometimes for hours and hours until he falls asleep. Daytime is mostly me, except for some relief during J's lunch breaks or like I said if it gets so bad I need to call him. It is exhausting, hard on my muscles too. I couldn't do this on my own- even for a day- I couldn't do this on my own. So thankful I have a helpful husband.
I'm still having some issues bonding with baby. I love this boy! I care for him and want to be with him, even as colicky as he is. But that maternal immediate connection people talk about, I don't have it and never did. Apparently that's quite normal, yet another thing nobody talks about. Well I'm breaking the silence and I'm glad I did because I've been able to receive and give support with this too. Looking back, I think it's due to multiple things.
One of course the gender thing I mentioned a while back probably plays into it, but hear me loudly- that makes me love him NO less. But in my opinion I think a female bonds easier with another female than opposite gender. You understand the same gender, you relate to the same gender, you know the same gender. Opposite gender is a whole different and new ballgame, a scary one.
I think the main thing though was in having a natural birth, it was like an out of body experience. When he actually arrived it didn't quite feel real, almost like I wasn't existing in that moment because the pain had been so intense I felt almost removed from the world. Then I was fading in and out after delivery. The nurses practically had to help feed him for me as I just laid there just trying to stay conscious and awake. And Joshua had some issues they had to immediately take him from me. I feel I missed out on that initial bonding time.
Then coming home I felt overwhelmed having visitors almost immediately. I was struggling trying to adapt to coming home, becoming a first time mom, getting to know and care for my baby, but then also having other people in the house and it was overwhelming.
Then there is this- being a stepmom before becoming a mom. No one talks about this either, but it is legit HARD. Being a stepmom may even be harder than giving birth, like for real. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally there is nothing to prepare you. People will say "You knew what you were getting into." No, I'm sorry, you really didn't. You never know til you walk the walk, in those shoes. Nothing can prepare you for helping raise a child who lives in your house yet isn't yours, a child who doesn't love you unconditionally, who doesn't call you mom, a child who at times may not even want you there. But then you have your own baby and suddenly it's all confusing- am I mom or stepmom? It feels like I'm just helping raise another person's child again- even though I felt every pain giving birth and nurse him. It still feels disconnected like he's not mine but someone else's. And again, only if you are a stepmom and have felt this will you understand this. Please no judgement for being honest in how I feel.
And then fast forward and as soon as we're completely on our own I actually felt some relief- like I can try to strengthen the bond between myself, J and baby. But then the colic started- and has gotten worse and worse and hasn't stopped. Having a baby who seriously seems to hate you is very hard at times. And before anyone says anything- yes I have discussed all of this with my dr and he said a lot of what I'm feeling is again normal just not discussed typically- and no I do not have post partum depression. So that's all good.
One of course the gender thing I mentioned a while back probably plays into it, but hear me loudly- that makes me love him NO less. But in my opinion I think a female bonds easier with another female than opposite gender. You understand the same gender, you relate to the same gender, you know the same gender. Opposite gender is a whole different and new ballgame, a scary one.
I think the main thing though was in having a natural birth, it was like an out of body experience. When he actually arrived it didn't quite feel real, almost like I wasn't existing in that moment because the pain had been so intense I felt almost removed from the world. Then I was fading in and out after delivery. The nurses practically had to help feed him for me as I just laid there just trying to stay conscious and awake. And Joshua had some issues they had to immediately take him from me. I feel I missed out on that initial bonding time.
Then coming home I felt overwhelmed having visitors almost immediately. I was struggling trying to adapt to coming home, becoming a first time mom, getting to know and care for my baby, but then also having other people in the house and it was overwhelming.
Then there is this- being a stepmom before becoming a mom. No one talks about this either, but it is legit HARD. Being a stepmom may even be harder than giving birth, like for real. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally there is nothing to prepare you. People will say "You knew what you were getting into." No, I'm sorry, you really didn't. You never know til you walk the walk, in those shoes. Nothing can prepare you for helping raise a child who lives in your house yet isn't yours, a child who doesn't love you unconditionally, who doesn't call you mom, a child who at times may not even want you there. But then you have your own baby and suddenly it's all confusing- am I mom or stepmom? It feels like I'm just helping raise another person's child again- even though I felt every pain giving birth and nurse him. It still feels disconnected like he's not mine but someone else's. And again, only if you are a stepmom and have felt this will you understand this. Please no judgement for being honest in how I feel.
And then fast forward and as soon as we're completely on our own I actually felt some relief- like I can try to strengthen the bond between myself, J and baby. But then the colic started- and has gotten worse and worse and hasn't stopped. Having a baby who seriously seems to hate you is very hard at times. And before anyone says anything- yes I have discussed all of this with my dr and he said a lot of what I'm feeling is again normal just not discussed typically- and no I do not have post partum depression. So that's all good.
It's so very hard. And if I ever had another baby and that baby didn't have colic, it would probably feel like a breeze compared to this! But in the midst of trying to console Joshua once again today, I was walking around holding him and singing and then when he got calm, I set him in the swing needing a break... but he was about to cry again... so I kept on singing. I was singing "From This Moment On" which I know is a weird song to sing to a baby but it's what was in my head. So I was singing that and as I did, he pointed his little finger at me and gave me one of his adorable big smiles. And in that moment everything stopped and that little smile with that little finger made up for every other difficult moment of every day.
This is my boy. Difficult or not, I will love you and do the best I can for you. With some tweaking of the words, this song works for a baby too. So this is for you my little Joshua. 💙 From This Moment On
I do ask for prayer for us, as we continue this journey- prayers that the colic stops sooner rather than later, that God gives us the strength and provides the rest and recovery we need to keep going, and that we continue to raise up this little boy into a godly man- because after all that's really what it's all about. Him. And pointing others to Him.
we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:3-4
If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. John 15:7
we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:3-4
If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. John 15:7
