Maybe my life isn't about me

God became man by sending His son Jesus to this earth.

Only one man who walked this earth was God- Jesus.

So if we say we believe in God, do we also believe in following Him- Jesus? A follower is a disciple. A disciple would thus support, stand up for, speak highly of, etc. Are we doing that? Are we doing that for Jesus? Are we living for Him... or are we living for ourselves?

Jesus didn't come on this earth to live a self-centered life even though He was God. He made it about others. He didn't focus on how much money He got, or a job title or the type of clothing He wore or car He drove or lack there of. He focused on others. He focused on love. He focused on making disciples. So He should be the one we are following.

God didn't put us here to be self-focused. He put us here for relationship, for love, for Him. He put us here to be the hands and feet of Jesus. He put us here to pick up our own cross and carry it.

My cross has been heavier than expected- job loss, health problems, divorce, moving back in with parents. But each of those obstacles comes with opportunity. Remembering it's not about me, but about Him. I now have the opportunity to reach and relate to many groups I otherwise would not have- in health alone- MG, POTS, lyme, pulmonary embolism. Those are all communities filled with people hurting, filled with the need for Jesus. And I can bring that to them. The more obstacles, the more opportunity!

God became man on this earth as Jesus. Jesus lived a life He also wants us to live. Most importantly, Jesus came to earth so that we may have life- eternal life with Him. But we must know and realize it starts with the cross. Will you pick up yours and accept Him? Will you make Him Lord of your life instead of a self-centered one? Will you realize it's not about you, it's about Him? And will you live a life that reflects that?

Legalism

As Christians, we live for Jesus, right?
We realize it is about relationship not religion, right?
We realize it is about who God is, not about who we are, right?
We realize nothing we do can save us, Jesus already did, right?
And we realize that is past tense, not present, it is done, right?

So why do we get caught up in legalism? Why do we go back to the rules and further from the truth? Yes, further from the truth. Jesus- the way, the truth, the life. Jesus wasn't down everyone's throats about every little thing they messed up on. He didn't micro manage anyone. God gave us free will and Jesus allowed us to use it.

We are human. We will mess up. We will sin. We are not and never will be perfect. That is the truth. That is real.

I want to be real.

So when I personally do something I maybe should not have done or done in a different way, I don't intentionally try to cover it up. I don't hide who I am. I don't put myself in this Christian legalistic box and put a cover on it.

I am who I am but it's all of me- the good and the bad as a whole- take it all or walk away from it all.

We of course always want to do our best and preach the Gospel more through our actions than our words. We want to always improve upon who we are. I agree with all that. We want encouragement and support from others. I agree with that too. But we want it in both ways- not just as cheerleaders when we are doing well, but supporting us even when we fall. Supporting meaning not criticizing, judging or ridiculing our every move, but loving us, just flat out loving us.

Jesus loved... everyone. And we are to model our lives not off other Christians or off rules, but off of Jesus. And when we want to judge, criticize or improve the imperfect, we should point the finger first at ourselves, because we have just as much to improve upon as the next person.

Do not judge so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Matthew 7:1-3

I just felt entirely compelled to write this. It is not specifically directed at anyone. For what I just said above I can still just direct it at myself. Gentle yet firm reminder to all. Love and be loved. That is all. Thanks for reading.

My Love Story

You may have been expecting some super romantic story or maybe a really racy one. You're not going to get either. Sorry. What you will get is this...

My life used to be focused on a lot of things...

friends
school
guys
work
money

It was never enough. It was never enough because I was missing the only piece that could truly fill me. I was missing Jesus.

You "fall in love" and think it's your fairy tale love story. Until your heart breaks and you realize it was never whole to begin with. Your Heart breaks... for Jesus. Then you fall in love with Him.

My life is now focused on Him, centered on Him, for Him. All those other things are just a bonus. All those other people are a blessing. But above all, it's Him.

Jesus was crucified for us.
Jesus nailed our sins to the cross.
Jesus saves us.
Jesus loves us.
Jesus.

He is what life is about. He is why we are here. He is why I am writing this. I want everyone else to experience what I am... not the health problems, divorce, and moving back in with your parents in your 30's. No, I want you all to experience the result of that brokenness. I want you to experience Jesus.

I lost what I thought was my life only to find what I really gained was new life. Eternal life. Jesus.

And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it. Matthew 10:38-39

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:16-19

Reflection

The other day I was thinking, I keep praying and asking others to pray for healing, to be completely healed and fully able again. But what if that actually happened? What if God chose to answer that prayer? What if He chose to answer it now? Am I ready?

Being chronically sick or disabled or whatever you want to call it is very different than living a life as a healthy person. There are things you can and can't do and that usually determine how your day plays out. You tend to be around less people. You may not be working. You physically do less. And you may also mentally do less. So if God were to heal you in an instant, are you ready?

Then today, unconnected to this former thought, I was thinking, wow I have read a lot of books. Like a LOT. I would say probably 95% of them are Christian books... learning about Jesus, about Christian living, about evangelism, about Christian singleness as well as relationship, about life's questions partnered with God's answers. Reading the Bible and then reading it again. I really have read a lot. 

So then after that, those two thoughts became connected. Will I be ready if God chose to answer those prayers and heal me? Of course I would. Because God is preparing me right now. God is giving me this time to rest, read and reflect, building me into the person He needs me to be. The desire of my heart is to get into ministry. Maybe it will continue to be in writing, through this blog or eventually through that book everyone keeps telling me to write. Or maybe it will be in an even larger capacity. Maybe God will use me in a way I have only dreamed of.

But for now, I will grow where He has planted me. 

Where are you right now? Have you ever considered it as where God wants you to be? Have you decided instead of looking at it as a burden, to look at it as a blessing? That God has placed you there for a reason to help you grow, to prepare you for the next phase of your life? Will you be ready? 

Solution to all problems

Society tends to do things backwards. We attempt to treat sickness instead of focusing on eating healthy to begin with. We wade through marital problems or even divorce instead prayerfully considering and choosing a spouse. We get ourselves into problems and then ask God to help us.

Let's focus in on that last one. We get ourselves into problems and then ask God to help us. What's wrong with that is that we are not putting God first. God must come first. No excuses of 'I don't have enough time.' God put you on this earth, make time, make time for Him first.

Let's take it a step further and look at the Holy Spirit.

As you walk through life, you may be trying to tackle this problem and that problem. You may feel defeated and wonder how you'll ever get through it. Perhaps you want to be a better person. You know you should do certain things and walk the Christian life, but yet you struggle. You want to make good decisions but temptation and evil gets the best of you.

"I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing." Romans 7:18-19

What we often fail to remember is that we don't have to do this alone. If you are a Christian, you have the power of the Holy Spirit within you. You don't have to rely merely on your own strength, but you can rely on the power of the Holy Spirit. You have been blessed with that gift to tap into.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

If you are not a Christian, you are invited to have this opportunity also. It is only be accepting Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior that you will receive the gift of the Spirit to guide you and bless you through your struggles and trials in life. When you face hardships and don't know which way to turn, you can always turn to Jesus. The Holy Spirit will live within you.

This is why we must put God first. Perhaps start by praying first thing each morning, reading a devotion, reading the Bible, writing out what's on your heart- a letter to God. Get your mind on track to focus on God first, God always. As you go through your day and face hardships and decisions, prayerfully consider each one. When you get caught up in stress and lose focus, pause, and wait for the Spirit to guide you. He is there. Allow Him to lead. Ask Him to lead. When you get into an argument with someone or feel tempted or misled, stop, pray- not for your own desires but for God's will with words led by the Holy Spirit. He is there. When you close out your day, before you turn off your light and put your head down, thank God- thank Him for walking you through another day, praise Him for the blessings you encountered, ask Him to continue to lead you and make you a witness to others of His goodness.

Make God your number one priority, Jesus your most important relationship and the Holy Spirit your guide. Be transformed to become more like Christ and watch how your life changes.

Lord, I pray for everyone reading this today. I pray first that the words said here are from You. I pray that You speak those words into their lives as you so intend for each person individually. I pray that You guide us where You want us to go in life and transform us into whom You want us to be. I pray for all those who are sick that they may be healed, all those who are lost that they may turn to You. I pray that You fill this world with Your goodness and allow us to keep our focus on You through all things, through all struggles. I thank You for the ability to write this and for Your gift of the Holy Spirit within me. Please watch over us and keep us safe. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

God bless you.

What do you do all day?

The question has often been asked "So, what do you do all day?"

Naturally, at first I really took offense to that. I felt like it was an attack, accusing that I don't do enough. Then I reminded myself that others who are healthy don't know what it's like to be chronically sick, and maybe they really are asking to understand it better. So today I'm going to take some time to answer that question.

My short answer is always "Whatever I can do" and it's true. Because every day, even every hour, is different, I just do what I can when I can and try to make the most of it.

Worst case scenario outside of a trip to the hospital, this is what I do all day:
I lay in bed. I need someone to cook for me, even bring my food upstairs to me. I have a bell in my nightstand if I'm too weak to walk, talk or really do anything. I sometimes watch some tv, sometimes read if I'm able, sometimes sleep. One thing I can always do is pray. It's not fun laying around but some days this is my reality.

Best case scenario, this is what I do all day:
I have plans for something- maybe lunch or dinner, maybe going to the mall, maybe the zoo. I rest, I get ready for those plans- fix my hair and makeup, I rest some more, I go out and enjoy myself for a few hours or as long as my body allows, I come home and rest again. Any day my symptoms are so slight that my attention is more on what I'm doing than what I'm feeling, it's a "good" day.

Most of the days fall somewhere in the middle. So now I'll tell you what I do in a somewhat typical day:

- I wake up naturally, rather I have to wake up naturally. If I don't, my body will be thrown off and I'll fall closer on the scale towards worse case scenario. This is anywhere between 7-9am usually. I can't just jump out of bed either. My body needs time to adjust. So when I first wake up, I have to lay there for a while. I take my first medication that needs to be an hour away from food. Then I will sit up and do my daily readings- devotional and Bible.

- An hour after taking the first medication and once my body is ready, I will go eat some breakfast to take more medication. Breakfast consists of a banana and an organic, gluten free bar (similar to a granola bar) most of the time. It's easy and quick for me to do to conserve energy.

- I then usually return to bed to rest some more while checking email.

- Mid-morning my body is ready to do more. If I have no where to be that day I will start getting things done that I need to such as paying bills, going through insurance claims, making phone calls, etc. If I do have somewhere to be such as a doctor's appointment, I will get ready. That consists of changing clothes, probably just pulling my hair back and putting on just a bit of makeup. If I have no where to be and feeling good enough I will go for a short walk.

- I rest some more.

- Lunch- And more medications. If my mom is home my usual is typically a burger and she will cook it for me, again to conserve my energy. The more I conserve, the longer I can last through the day. It sounds bad eating a burger almost daily but if I don't get my protein early in the day, I can't function. For some reason, a burger helps me the most. It's always organic/grass fed/antibiotic free/hormone free beef. My body responds very poorly to regular beef.

- I rest slightly after lunch.

- If I have somewhere to be, I always try to schedule it for the afternoon when I'm at my best typically. If it's more than a short drive, typically my parents drive me, again conserving my energy. If I don't have somewhere to be I will either keep getting things done that I need to or do something I want to such as reading, writing, browsing the internet, etc. I'm an introvert so I can easily do any of these for hours keeping myself occupied and entertained. If I get too weak doing those things, I'll throw in a movie and rest more. On better days I'll do a little cleaning or my laundry. On most days, that wears me out too much.

- Dinner- And more meds again. Either I make something fairly easy, already had something going in the slow cooker, or my mom will again cook for me.

- I finish up anything I was working on during the day, probably check email again, browse facebook a bit.

- I shower at night because it allows me to recover (yep- you heard that right) from it overnight and not have to get ready right after. I let my hair air dry to again conserve energy.

- In the evening sometimes I will watch a show I'm into (ok really the only show I watch is 19 kids and counting lol) and/or talk or chat.

- Before bed, I'll again read the Bible, pray with another over the phone, take my last meds and then go to sleep.


Some days it's more, some days less, but that is probably average. It probably sounds incredibly boring to you. I mean reading that sounds pretty boring to me too. But what everyone healthy has to understand is that when you have a chronic illness, your body is always fighting. That's where the energy goes, even when we "look fine" as we often do. So everything you do takes more time than it takes healthy people, and feels so much harder than it felt when/if you were healthy. That's why I say I do whatever I can do. If my body allows for me to do more, awesome! If not, I've got my regular routine that allows for me to get through each day planning a few days each week to get out and do something. I've got to make the most of every single thing because I don't have a choice to do more even though I strongly desire to.

I once described it like this: Remember as a kid you would go to the carnival and you either buy a specific amount of tickets or the unlimited ride wristband? Healthy people have the unlimited ride wristband. They can go on as many rides as they like over and over and not have to think about how many tickets those rides are. Those with chronic illness are given a set amount of tickets. Some days we get more tickets, some days less, but it is always limited. We have to pick and choose which rides to use our tickets on and once we are out of tickets, that's it, no more fun. So we have to be careful about what we do and spend those tickets wisely, conserving energy through the day to make it to the end.

Hopefully this helped those who are healthy understand a bit more what it's like for those who have a chronic illness and answer the question of "What do you do all day?". Thank you very much for wanting and trying to understand this, for supporting and encouraging, and for praying for all those who fight through it.

God bless.

Chronic Lyme Disease?

The question I want all traditional doctors to answer-

I got bit by a tick in college, got the bullseye rash, and was not treated for lyme disease. Seeing all the health problems I've had between then and my recent tick bite/lyme disease, the dr treating me believes I have chronic lyme, brought out stronger when I contracted lyme and coinfection this time, and I agree.

So traditional drs, IF chronic lyme is not real as most of you claim, where did the lyme disease that I got in college go? I was never treated. If it just disappears on its own, then why is the CDC, whom you drs follow the guidelines of, adamant about getting on antibiotic treatment immediately when first getting lyme disease? If it just disappears, why is there a need for antibiotics to begin with?

The fact is you need treatment and you need treatment immediately. If you don't get it, lyme turns chronic and disabling. Hence what myself and thousands of people thrown into this controversy are suffering from. At which point the majority of traditional drs match symptoms to other diagnoses, also without proof (that of which you argue is lacking for lyme diagnosis) to disregard the possibility of chronic lyme. So is it chronic lyme directly correlated to a past tick bite, or is it a myriad of other diagnoses which just randomly popped up out of no where? Common sense can answer that one.

Point proven.